The Artist and the Ambulance

I am irrationally terrified of driving. If there is a phobia of driving I have it. The thought of getting behind the wheel of a car after 2.5 years of not driving makes my chest hurt and hands shake with fear. I have always been convinced that my life will end in a car accident. Or worse, I will be paralyzed for life. Every time I get into a car I pray that God will let me live to my destination. I even had an angel figure and a blessed rosary in my old car in college. Pretty sure I had Buddhist prayer beads too.

The fear of driving is so overwhelming and right now I am overcome by the fact that I will have to learn to drive everywhere again. In a few short months I will have to drive. And I really don't like that idea. The Big City has allowed me to only take public transportation. No worries of injury or death. You've seen how people drive, its terrifying! Honestly, their should be better assessments for driver's licenses....and for procreation but that's another subject all together.

So how does one get over their fear of driving? By driving of course. I had gotten to the point in college where I never drove. I made my boyfriend drive all the time. I was so paranoid of everything. I had a major anxiety disorder. Now, that anxiety only surfaces in the face of driving a car. I gotta go back to the country, get behind the wheel, and drive.

I wish we still road horses everywhere....they are much easier than cars. At least a horse won't crash into another horse. Though he might throw you over a fence, but that is a story for another day.

NOTE: Artist and the Ambulance is actually a title of a song by Brandnew. I think of its video every time I get into a car. Couple, doing fine, driving in a storm, BAM. End of happiness.

Circle 4'23'10

Last night they talked about making time for Allah (swt). And I realized how, before Islam, I made very little time for God. How I was barely aware of God, not like I am now. Now I am aware of God all the time, trying to get closer. I think the issue before was I didn't know how and Islam has showed me how to do so. YAY for that!

But unfortunately my issue is not the religion. I am starting to wonder if there are just too many cultural things weaved into Islam. So many that I'm not sure I can ever fit. Yes I have a couple convert friends and they are a gift from God but listening to all of them talk yesterday left me with a feeling of dread. Dread that I will never be able to function in this heavily biased culture. A couple of us went to get something to eat and they were talking about marriage. One girl mentioned how we should branch out into different cultures. How she has a friend who has been trying to marry this Arab guy for 3 years but because she is Indian his parents won't let him marry her; and they are perfect for each other. To my surprise, the other agreed with the parents! They said that it is probably best to stay within your culture because it just makes life easier and the parents won't make your life hell over it. And I thought to myself "Then who are the converts suppose to marry if you and your fiancee and the families all have to be the same culture?" But I also realized that even though these people are wonderful, they barely socialize with people outside their culture. That is also a major Islamic issue. They won't even branch out to talk to other Muslims from other cultures. And don't get me started on the Sunni Shia thing. My convert friend told me a story about how his wife and him went to an iftar dinner at a friends and when prayer came the husband of the friend found out my friend was Shia. He promptly kicked them out!!!!

*sigh* maybe Islam is mostly culture. And thus, if you are not Eastern, you are kinda outta luck until an American chapter fully opens up.

Tired of the South Park BS

Ok...I've had it! I spent over an hour at work trying to explain to people that Muslims DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS EXTREMIST!!!! Most Muslims, do not think the writers from South Park should die! Of all the stupid ignorant BS I've heard! Somehow, one guy's opinion becomes everyone. Then, I get on DA and one of my favorite artists is posting the article and everyone is bashing ALL MUSLIMS again. How did this ONE GROUP become EVERYONE!

And why is it that the real Muslims are not saying something!? Why are they not saying "We disagree that the writers should be killed but we do think the cartoon was uncalled for. However, this guy is wrong and we do not support his actions against the writers." Why is no one coming out in the open and saying this? Why do Muslims stay so quiet and not stand up for themselves. They hide in the shadows and do nothing. I don't get it. If you don't say anything people will just assume its true. Heck, I'm wondering if its true sometimes I hear it so often and I have an education in Islam. You just hear about these things so often.....

I can't take it anymore. I just can't take the idiocy, on both sides. I want out. If I don't convert it will be because of things like this. Because I cannot live my life constantly defending myself to everyone, everyday because of a few stupid extremist idiots who feel they have to kill everyone who does something they don't like.

I've really had enough with all the hate.

It Hurts My Heart

I've really had enough at this point. I'm tired of groups going out of their way to publicly humiliate another knowing full well its going to cause them great pain. I'm tired of sects fighting with each other, doing so much internal damage that its not a wonder that no one can fix the external damage. I'm tired of so called "clerics" of all religions making absurd rulings that do a ton of damage to the people that follow the religion; one because they are believing false things and two people from outside the religion will think that is the truth. I'm tired of culture, on both sides. I'm tired of no one taking the time to understand each other. If we all just stopped and tried to find out what the other is about all these conflicts could be on their way to finding a solution. But we can't seem to take that time to learn. To remove our predjudice and learn. Knowledge is one of the greatest gifts God gave us. Why do we refuse to use it? Why do we not use our intellect as God intended?

Why do we spend so much time on trying to hurt each other when there are so many things we need to do in this world?! God put us here for a reason! He brought the prophets for a reason! We are here to help take care of His earth. To help Him care for it, nurture it. We are not doing that. We are destroying it by destroying ourselves.

May God have mercy on us all....we're going to need it.

If you can't say anything nice.....

People need to take their opinions and shove it!

You think its bad to look nice in hijab? Good for you then look ugly. But if it makes someone feel better about wearing hijab then that is a POSITIVE. Is their nice looking hijab hurting you? No. Is it hurting the religion? No. is it helping the image of the religion? Most likely yes.

So what is the problem?

Does it hurt you that "Susy" prefers color over black? No. Is color against the religion? No. Is looking presentable against the religion? No.

So what is the problem?

Dont like how someone got married even though its within the laws of Islam? Yes. Is their marriage hurting you? No. Are your comments telling them that they are bad people going to change the fact they married? No. Are you perfect? No. Then guess what: keep your mouth shut and let them be happy.

Are you perfect like the prophets? No. Are you sinless and guided like the Imams? No. Are you God? Definitely no.

Then who are you to judge?

Its a Shame You Don't Drink

I was cleaning my cabinets out the other day and decided to give away my left over alcohol to friends at work. Maybe it would have been better to dump it but it was expensive, most of it was gifts. So I gave two bottles to my Office Manager and she put them up on her filing cabinet. Later, the Art Director came in to chat with her and this conversation began:

AD: Planning on partying?

OM: No those are from LK. She doesn't drink.

AD: WHY?

OM: I think she is allergic or something. (Its true I am allergic to most alcohol).

AD: To Everything?

OM: Most of it. So now she just doesn't drink.

AD: That's crazy. That would suck. Poor LK.

OM: Yeah its a total drag. But good for me.

AD: Yeah good for you. Free booze. Don't party too hard.

OM: I won't.

.....Is alcohol really this big of a deal? Is it really that horrible of a shame that I can't and don't drink it? Ridiculous! I'm thinking they didn't know I could hear them perfectly from my desk or they probably wouldn't have been talking so loud. I've gotten this reaction a lot and I just find it unreasonable. Only one girl in my office knows the other reason why because she knows I am studying Islam. But I gave up alcohol months before I started studying Islam, before I had a relationship with My Love. I makes you feel awful, and dizzy. I don't like the taste of most of it. And I am allergic so it always made me sick right away. I just wish alcohol wasn't so ingrained into our society. Technically, if your Shia, you can't even sit at a table where there is alcohol present. My Love doesn't follow this rule but his parents do. I've thought about what it would be like to follow this rule and it seems impossible. All restaurants have alcohol, its all over my parents house, every holiday dinner has alcohol, my friends have alcohol when we go out. The list goes on.

I know I'm going to get crap for Lent too. I always do. Every year when I give something up they look at me like "Why on earth would you do that? Its too hard!". I'm sure they'd have a field day with the halal meat concept and tell me its no longer necessary in our society because the meat is safe. Meat might be safe but its still very cruelly produced.

I'm lucky that most of my friends don't drink and the ones that do aren't offended when I say I won't have alcohol at a party. I'm lucky that most of them don't care about what I do for Lent or if I only eat halal meat. They just sit back and support me.

I just wish alcohol wasn't so important.

Responsibility

To the muslim men:

TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELVES!

I've officially had it with all the excuses Islam gives for male behavior. HAD IT. ENOUGH. Its BS. Men need to start taking some responsibility for their actions instead of bringing us down so they don't have to try.

If a man cannot control himself for a few minutes while a woman recites Qur'an then he has a HUGE problem. Do men really have that little self control? Can they not control themselves while a woman speaks about Islam? Does a bare forearm or a wisp of hair cause that much excitement in a man that we must suffer clothed head to toe in 100 degree heat? If they can't, if they really can't, then they need to see a psychologist ASAP because something is seriously wrong with their mental workings. COMMON PEOPLE. I cannot be the only person who sees how ridiculous this is!

Im so tired of all the excuses made for men. Its majorly keeping me from making a decision. I'm tired of this misogynistic BS.

And what are we as women doing about it? Nothing. We are just accepting that this is how it is. Ladies, before you accept something that keeps you from participating in your religion ask why it is so. You may be surprised that the men don't really have a good answer, and most likely the women won't know. The Christian women started to ask, the men couldn't find the reason, and now they participate by reading the Bible in church, singing, and sometimes even leading the entire service (except in Catholicism and Orthodox and probably a few others).

Think about it. What would Zainab do? What would Fatima do? What would Aisha do? What would Khadija do? Would they stand for this kind of treatment?

I think not.

My apology to Catholicism

Wresting with Religion's Sarah got me thinking. She just posted a very heartfelt post on what happened with her and Islam. Its beautiful, but full of agony. And at first I miss understood the post then I thought about it again and went "That's how I use to view Christianity".

We try so hard sometimes to make ourselves fit into the wrong part of the puzzle. We push and push and dent the sides of our piece. Sometimes we can shove our piece into the spot only to have it dented and bruised. It looks like it fits, but does it really?

This is what I tried desperately to do with Christianity, particularly Catholicism. I pushed so hard to make concepts work. I kept going "If I can just find a way to justify A B C I can do this, I can make it work." Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen you cannot make a religion work for you. You will only cause yourself great despair. You will feel like you have been torn into a million pieces. Its definitely not pretty.

I remember sitting there with books going "If A B C only worked like D E F then it would be fine. Can I twist it so it will be fine?" Once you start doing that you are really forcing a religion onto yourself. Catholicism and Christianity became so much work for me. So much hard work to make myself believe. It was so hard, so taxing I got to a point where I just wanted it NOT to work so it would be over. I would sit in church and it would pain me because I knew that what I was hearing , saying, doing didn't agree with me. But I wanted it to, oh how much easier life would be if I had just been able to accept Catholicism.

About 2 years ago I officially let go. And although it was sad it was a relief. I was so angry with myself for not being able to believe that I had lost all touch with God. When I finally said "Stop, you can't do this anymore. Let go." the door back to God opened for me. I got so clouded by trying to "make it work" I forgot what I was working for in the first place: A solid relationship with God. I let go and although it has been lonely and frustrating floating through religion limbo I know it is better than forcing a religion upon myself.

Through Islam I gained a greater respect for Catholicism and Christianity. I saw the true beauty behind them. It is a beautiful path, a true path. Perfect for many. I will never belittle these faiths, never run them through the mud. In fact I will defend them because for many they are the truth. And they deserve to be respected and understood.

If Christianity and Catholicism were people I would want to say this: I apologize if I disrespected you. I apologize if I miss represented you. I apologize for the pain I caused, for the arguments we had. I have a great deal of respect for you, I see your true beauty. Although we can never be together, I hope that we can continue to have a friendship that will last a lifetime.

I'm starting to Identify Myself as a Muslim

Its weird, but its true. And I have no right to do so. Islam is starting to become a part of me, of my identity. Bad part is I'm not ready for that. I have too many big issues, I can't possibly make a decision. But there it is and its now part of me.

Christianity never became a part of my identity so to speak. Monotheism did and yes because Christianity is part of my culture it became a part of me. But when people would ask me what religion I was I would say "I'm Catholic by association". Because I never felt I was actually Catholic due to the major issues I have with the Christian religion.

So it seems odd to me despite my issues with Islam, which are currently major ones, I am feeling grounded by the religion. I am feeling a foundation under my feet that i have never had before. Its like the tree is taking root but its still winter so the tree may die before it can truly take hold.

Maybe its because through Islam I have fulfilled so many needs, even beyond religion. Yes it agrees with a lot of my personal views on religion which is what attracted me to it in the first place. Its given me a form of prayer I love. But its also given me a group of women I actually get along with. Its given me the chance to maybe have that female group of friends most have in their lifetime (I never did). Its given me a community to belong to, a place where I feel like I belong. It feeds my need for philosophical study and knowledge. It allows me to have a man who is both wonderful and religious. It allows me to be myself and not struggle so hard to fit in. Yes, I struggle more to fit in with everyday American society than I do the muslims.

But can you base a religious choice on these things? Not really because you still need to agree with the main parts of the religion. And right now, I have a few things to figure out.

But I think of what my life would be like if I said no to Islam and I shutter. It would be pretty bleak. The only good part is I would be able to continue to live my life without people being prejudice against me and my parents won't get mad at me. That is about it. I loose my foundation, my footing. It all goes away and I return to square one floating around trying to find something that fits. Let me tell you that is not a pretty existence.

I never ask this but a can I get a little prayer over here? A little du'a for me? I'm so confused and I'm so tired of being confused. I keep saying "Please, please God just tell me the answer. I can't do this forever." But God has not yet chosen to give me an answer. I just hope that i can hang on until He does.

Patience, Patience....

Why the Sheet?

You've all see these. Better yet, you've seen the women draped in sheets at the mosque. Now, I get using a "sheet" when you are not dressed appropriately for prayer but why use it when you are in an abaya? Isn't that traditionally what one prays in anyway?

Or better yet, why do we need to make sure we are in extra flowy clothing while praying at all? No men are around anyway and most likely the women in Muhammad's time just prayed in their regular clothes. So what is the purpose behind it? I've asked a few women and all they can give me is blank stares because, in the end, they don't actually know why (I'm getting "I don't know" from the people at school a lot lately). I've gotten that its to make sure we are praying in something clean while being in front of our Lord. Ok that I can accept, even I throw an abaya on while I'm home for that reason. But if that is the case then shouldn't it be something nice like an abaya and not a sheet? If we are going back to the idea that we are being clean and presentable for an audience with God then shouldn't we wear something nice? I think so.

I can't stand the sheets. They are so hard to pray in. I won't wear one at school (I wear abaya anyway) but so many of the women will, even with abayas. Maybe it gives them privacy in group prayer I don't know. But no one has been able to adequately explain it.

Anyone here know? Is there a reason that all prayer garments look like bed sheets?

That Hazy Cloud

Do you ever get the feeling your brain is stuck in a confused, hazy cloud? This happens to me a lot. Funny enough, I didn't have it when I was home for a week. Things were very clear to me. I felt grounded and at peace pretty sure of what I needed to do. Now the fog is back. Now I am questioning what I need to be closer to God, questioning what Islam asks of me, and not feeling a whole lot like doing my prayers. Why you may ask does this happen? I have a theory:

Reading too much stuff ends up causing too much confusion.

I didn't get to read any of my religious books while I was home nor did I get to read blogs. All I read was Sophie Kinsella and some young adult literature. I simply was left alone with my personal thoughts and feelings toward religion. I was aware of my couple issues but I did not dwell on them nor did I create new ones. I was at peace with my spiritual identity and my relationship with God. Going to church even solidified it when I couldn't agree with most of what the priest was praying, since Jesus was always God. It was like I was being told "You know what you believe, now claim it". Things were so right in my face, so very clear. Now, only fog.

This may be because I had no new knowledge coming in to create a conflict. And I was also constantly busy so I didn't have time to think about religion, only time to feel. It Then makes me wonder what is best: Stop looking for new information everywhere or continue to obtain more knowledge even if it causes great confusion. Its a hard pill to swallow. My brain right now is stuck in that fog, I know I still haven't done Dhur and Asr but I can't get myself up to do it yet even though I know its good for me. I know praying makes me feel better but my brain feels like its being tugged in two directions and I can't focus enough to get started. I'm really tired of this constant struggling with what I need for myself in religion. Every time I get close to making a choice I stumble upon new information that makes me unsure. So then I regress. I go back to the confused, somewhat depressing fog until I've come up with a satisfying solution.

Religious Limbo sucks. I want out and every time I see a light at the end of the tunnel something stops me from going toward it.

The conclusion to the post "What Makes A Religion Right For Someone" should be up soon...even though I still don't have an answer for myself.

Duty to Your Man

So here is a concept I'm not completely clear on. Do muslim men expect their women to be all prettied and have dinner on the table and a perfect house every day when they come home? It seems that some think this is Islamic law but I'm not so sure. I do think that you should take a little time to look nice for your husband but that can be easier said than done. Yes a wife has a duty to please her husband, just as the husband has his duty to please his wife and yes this is done in different manners. If my husband washed the dishes I'd be as happy as he would be if he came home and saw me in a nightie. Different sexes are pleased by different things after all :). But often, the duty of the husband to please his wife is often ignored.

Here is my example:

I have to work. If I were to marry My Love I would have to work to make all the money because he is in grad school. I would be working and in grad school myself. So would I still be expected to do everything? To come home, pretty myself up, make the food, clean the house. Wait on him hand and foot? I don't think so.

Now of course he doesn't expect this from me but it always makes me nervous. In the event that I don't marry My Love I fear that any other man would expect too much from me since many people in authority seem to think this is exactly how it should work. The woman should be beautiful for her man and wait on him hand and foot. I couldn't do it while having to work plus I think the man should chip in. Only way I can see the man not helping around the house is if the woman doesn't work and doesn't have children. Outside of that he should help.

I know this differs culture to culture. A woman from Pakistan would have a lot less of an issue with this concept than a muslim woman from America. But a woman from Pakistan would also never think of working in a million years, its just not done in her culture.

What do you all think? How does it actually work?

Parental Awkwardness

My mother is now mad at me and I have no idea why. She found the books I left for her which might have something to do with it. We were so busy I didn't even get to mention them. I left her Remember Me? By Sophie Kinsella, Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity, and Daughters of Another Path. I take it she is mad about Daughters. She asked me about the books this morning on the phone and I said I left them for her. She sounded so hurt and angry but I have no idea why. Later, she found an unopened present in my stocking and said that maybe I forgot it because it was too much Christmas for me. I just don't understand this kind of behavior. My choice my life. I now completely understand why a lot of people never tell their parents they have converted. Its too much strain on the parents and the convert. Maybe it is better if they never know for sure. I'm starting to lean toward that view. My mom is going through so much right now. My grandmother is sick and won't see a doctor. She lives 3 hours from my parents and my mom has to go back and forth because my grandmother refuses to move in with them even though she can't take care of herself. My mother's brother died half a year ago so now mom is the soul caretaker of my grandmother plus she is dealing with no longer having her brother. She feels all her family has died (once my grandmother passes she will have no living blood relatives outside of me, my brother, and my dad). Add also that my mother is ill with an odd kidney disease that the doctors don't know how to treat. She is dealing with her own mortality for the first time in her life, she can't handle me wanting to be a different religion. She needs Christianity more now than ever she can't cope with the fact that her daughter wants something else. I have to keep my mouth shut for her sanity. Although she needs to see a psychologist. I will pray that God lessen her pain and stress.

I think I need to see a psychologist myself. I can't handle the strain on my own anymore. Its too much. But I don't think their are psychologists that specialize in identity crisis and religion. Le Sigh.

May God help me.

Women and Recitation

I've been thinking a lot about why you rarely hear a woman recite. I personally think its a shame because a woman reciting is truly beautiful. I'm not a big fan of the lack of support for female participation in congressional prayer which is probably most of it. I totally get why we can lead a mixed group in prayer because we'd be wiggling our bums in front of all the men and that is just not quite kosher :). But I'm not sure I see the issue with being heard reciting from the Qur'an or doing Du'a. I can kinda see an issue with the adhan because it is very loud and to be frank female voices don't carry quite as well as male voices. But du'a, even in congressional prayer, is done at a normal speaking level and I really see no issue with allowing a women to read it. Many will say its because the men will be attracted to her voice and I want to say "What do you think the men will do, storm the partition?". We need to give the men a little credit, they aren't barbaric brainless animals. They 're human, they have some self control after all. Plus I think a MAN sounding like he is singing is much more attractive to a woman than a woman's voice to man. One of the sexiest things a man can do is sing for a woman. But because we inherently have more self control we do not deserve the same treatment to lessen our burden of being attracted to men? Yeah that doesn't seem quite fair either, but its also my issue with male hijab. We may not act on our hormones like men do but that does not mean we don't want to do so.

I think communities need to encourage their girls to be more active and to learn recitation. As I mentioned before, boys get rewarded often for their recitation skills and often have whole competitions dedicated to recitation. Why not have that for the girls too? Why not let them participate. I think if one of the girls at my school asked Br. S to let them recite he would probably say yes. But out of 3 recitation classes there are only two girls both of which are very shy. Such a shame. Maybe someday I will be decent enough to give it a try Insha'Allah. I know that recitation should be done because it is inherently good but its hard to be motivated when no one is giving you encouragement.

They need to know Allah wants to hear their voices as well.

How does your community treat women reciting?

Masjid Issues

Ok so I don't know how to say this is any other way so I will just say it bluntly: Why is the ummah so racist?

When I was talking to Sister N we got on the subject of all the local masjids. I mentioned that everyone was telling me to visit the big mosque a few miles away but that I wasn't really interested because the ladies section is not very nice and they don't do anything in English. I told her I really liked the masjid that is down the street from the school and she gave me this puzzled look. She said (apologies for spelling Koja wrong if I have indeed spelled it wrong):

"That masjid is Koja, they won't really want you there. They only allow Koja's in. I'm glad you had a good experience but I'm pretty sure they will give you a hard time if you go there alone."

I just starred at her and wanted to yell "Then where am I suppose to go!? Its the only mosque that does anything in English in the area!"

I then began to learn I can't go to this other mosque because its Iranian, and the Pakistani mosque probably won't want me either. Supposively, there is a convert mosque that's quite far away. Oh and the spanish mosque, they don't want me either and only do services in Spanish. Don't get me started on how all the Sunni mosques won't want me because I pray with my hands at my sides and use a little piece of earth.

So this is what I want to say to the ummah: This behavior is EXACTLY what will drive away potential converts. Churches do not have this issue for the most part. This makes me not want to be muslim. If I cannot participate without be discriminated against by my OWN RELIGION then I do not want to participate at all. I then do not want to be muslim if even muslims are going to treat me like crap. I get enough predjudice from non muslims, I do not need it from the ummah.

You all are driving people away from Islam. Stop being so stuck on your home cultures and realize that the ummah can only grow if people start to join it. This behavior is against Islam and against the wishes of Allah. May Allah guide the ummah to see the truth of their behavior.

A little Confusion

I've been a bit confused lately and it seems to be confusing all of you as well. I've been getting quite a few messages asking me if I've become muslim. The answer is I have not. I did go back and look at my last few posts and can totally see where everyone is getting this. They sure sound like I have become muslim. I am stuck in this weird middle ground at the moment. Not Christian, not a muslim. I more often say "we do this" in reference to Islam and "They do this" in reference to Christianity. I have also been doing a lot of "if I am muslim" senrios. I've just been thinking a lot about it and all has been going so well. Allah has made this so far easy for me. I have been able to have a dialogue with my family who says they won't disown me, I have a loving man to teach me and support me, a school to learn from with wonderful helpful people, and many mosques nearby. Halaal food is easily accessable, muslims are common in my area, and modest clothing can be found. My studies have been mostly productive in a good sense, with very few disagreements. I am actually waiting for something terrible to happen. It seems so off balance, all these good things.

I finally feel like after 10 years of looking I am on the right track. I am so excited about that. I have looked so long for peace and understanding in religion. I now stand on the brink of finding an answer which is both exciting and terrifying. I never expected to find anything. Now every day I get closer to Allah and my answers.

Isha'Allah Allah will make it easy for me. I am waiting for a revelation so to speak. I just know that one day, I will know without a doubt what to do. Then I will make plans for what to do next. I just know that right now is not the right time. Not for me, My Love, or my family. There is much still to do. I have to finish the Qur'an, learn to pray, and learn to at least pronounce Arabic. I can't even say the Shahada properly. I'm pretty sure I should wait till I can say it! My family also has to have more time to get use to the idea and My Love needs a little time to figure out what he wants to do if I do become muslim. We need to be careful about the engagement so people do not think I became muslim just to marry him. All needs to be handled in a delicate manner.

I want to thank everyone for all the support you have given me and continue to give me.

Salaam

Social Awkwardness and Dating for Way Too Long

I noticed three things this weekend.

1) All social gatherings must have alcohol, especially with people in their 20s.

2) Grace is awkward when you don't believe in the trinity

3) People date for WAY too long nowadays

Minute I get there for Thanksgiving, wine comes out. Then all the 20 somethings want to go to a bar. Luckily, I was not feeling well and able to use that as an excuse. Wake up the next morning, serving champaigne with orange juice. Three days of constant drinking. Now, no one got drunk but they were constantly drinking and all the 20 something's stories had to do with bars or getting drunk. When did alcohol become such a pivtol part of our social interaction and society? do we no longer know how to have fun without it or are we just so use to it that it comes with the territory?

Grace is really awkward when you don't believe in the trinity. I did not want to make the sign of the cross and tried to avoid doing so without anyone seeing. I also changed "Christ" to "God" when I said Grace in my head.

For those of you who do not know what Grace is, it is the prayer said by Christians before a meal and goes something like this:

Blessed O Lord

For these and all thy gifts

which we are about to recieve

through thy bounty in Christ our Lord Amen.

I now understand why when some of my friends in high school came to dinner that they didn't do the sign of the cross or say grace.

What is going on with people dating FOREVER! Two couples came to Thanksgiving, both have been dating for seven years. Neither are engaged but they live together, own a car together, own a dog together, make future plans together. I do not understand this. I would think after a couple of years you would know you want to get married so just do it! Is it because society makes it so easy for people to be "married without commitment"? There is barely any difference to being married and how these couples live outside of a legal binding piece of paper. It really bothers me that this has become ok in society. Part of that may be my own jealousy since I can't even take My Love to a family dinner because he can't travel alone with me. He and I do not have the luxury they do, to spend time alone together, to go on trips together. Its awfully frustrating. Part of me is glad because it does keep you away from some temptation but it would be nice to take him to a family dinner once in awhile. But thats the way it is, I accept it. Doesn't mean I like it though.

Hope everyone had a joyous holiday.

There Is Compulsion In Religion

The compulsion to be right that is. Why is it that humans have this insatiable need to be right? Why is it that so many believe their can only be one right answer and all others must be wrong?

I do not see what is so difficult about accepting the fact that their may be multiple answers to one question. Yet, in religion and in life, people seem to have this irresitable attraction to being right. Only the Christians can go to Heaven, Only the Jews, Only the muslims. Why not all believers?

I see no value in saying that only one group goes to Heaven. If God had wanted us to be all one religion He would have made it so. Obviously, that was not the case and there must be a reason for it. What the reason is, I do not know. I do know that God is suppose to be just and merciful. A just and merciful God would not go “Ok here are three religions all which praise and glorify me. One of them is the right one, figure it out or you can't go to Heaven.” That is completely unmerciful and unjust. That is ridiculous. I will never believe that my religion is the only group that can go to Heaven. In fact, I don't think you need to be part of an organized religion to go to Heaven. If a person is pious, strong in their faith in God, and is a good person I see no reason why they can't be eligible for Heaven even if they dont belong to a particular faith.Your admitance to Heaven is based on your relationship and service to God. Not what set of rules or book you follow.

I get how the Jews and the Christians obtain this veiw. The Jews are the “choosen people” and many take that literally. The Christians believe that Jesus was sacraficed so they may be saved therefore if you don't believe in Jesus as the savior you haven't been saved and you can't go to Heaven (this is WAY more complicated, I just don't feel like writing the whole thing out. If any of my Christian readers feel the need to elaborate, please go ahead). But I do not know where the muslims get the idea that they are the only ones that can be saved when the Qur'an clearly states countless times that this is not so.

My favorite ayah is this:

Sura Al Baqara 2:62

Those who believe (in the Qu'ran)

and those who follow the Jewish (scriptures)

and the Christians and the Sabians

Any who believe in God

and the Last Day

and work riteousness

Shall have their reward

With their Lord on them

There shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve

There is a portion of this ayah in almost every surah of the Qur'an. The idea of all believers being able to achieve oneness with God is reenforced so often that I do not understand how any muslim can believe they are the only ones that go to Heaven. The Qur'an even says that God will judge between the believers for their mistakes and decide which ones are forgiveable. The Qur'an says that yes the Christians and the Jews and even the Muslims made mistakes but if those mistakes were made in good intention they can be forgiven. When I read through the Qur'an again, I am going to record every ayah that mentions this topic so that it can be clearly seen how important this message was for us from God.

The Bible and the Torah do not condemn others who believe in one God either. So it begs the question; Where did this zelous attitude about being right come from? I do wonder if the leaders of the religions developed it to scare people from leaving their religion. People would be much more free to explore other faiths if they didn't need to fear about being “right”. My mother's major fear in my studies is that I may be wrong about my theory that all believers are eligible for Heaven. She worries about what if I do need Jesus as my savior and the Son of God to obtain paradise. That is her, and I'm sure many parents, objection to her daughter's exploration of Islam. Look how much less converts would have to deal with if this need to be right didn't exist. I'm sure we would be met with a lot less hostility from our families if all religions of one God were acceptable paths. And look how much more peace there would be in the world. The religions of the world would be much less likely to get people to ralley against an opposing religion if they did not have the “right religion” argument on their side. Our world would be a much better place.

I choose to believe that all believers, regardless of religion, can be eligible for Paradise. I choose to believe in the message of the Qur'an, not opposing hadiths or scholars on this topic. This is my choice and regardless of what religion I choose to be I will stay firm in this belief. Always have, always will.

The Minority of The Minority

I just had to get this out.

Every so often when I read a post by Ellen at Steadily Emerging With Grace I think about this. Kimdonesia made me think about it as well. Being a muslim in America is being part of a minority. Being Shi'a is being part of a minority within Islam. So essentially by choosing the Shi'a school I become a minority of the minority. Now, coming from my current place of not being a minority what so ever it would probably be quite overwhelming to not only be part of a misunderstood religion in your country but then to be a part of the misunderstood school within your religion. Being from a Catholic household, I experienced a bit of prejudice from other Christian faiths, more specifically a Lutheran student at my high school who often liked to remind me that the Catholics got it all wrong and that is why Luther had to leave and create the Lutheran church. She also informed me that Catholics somehow worship God the wrong way and we do our sign of the cross backwards. I have heard other churches bash them for their beliefs, their practices, and their Pope. What still stuns me is people were afraid to elect Kennedy president because he was Catholic. Catholics are Christians too, but many don't see that. And the worst part is, Catholicism is part of the accepted religion of this country. So what happens to you if you are part of a religion that is not accepted and you are the minority?

I wonder if by choosing the Shi'a school I am making things harder for myself. Although I can't see myself going any other way. I choose the Shi'a school for my own personal reasons, regardless of what school my teacher belongs too. The Sunni school just does not agree with me as well, that is all. I will read an abridged version of Sahih Muslim and pay attention to Sunni teachings but in the end I know into which school I fit.

The hatred scares me. There is so much hatred for muslims, then add all the hatred for the Shi'a and a person is liable to crack. Such dark hatred, the kind that burns deep inside a person like it comes from something inhuman. Its like for a moment your conscious is suspended and you no longer can feel remorse. This kind of hatred is so dangerous. I already have nightmares that I will be walking down the street in hijab and get attacked by a hater. But as a Shi'a, I would also have to be afraid of my brothers and sisters in Islam. Other muslims do not have an excuse to be so ignorant as the general person. Why hate on your ummah? What does this accomplish? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I'm already tired of all the hate, all the nit picking. "You do this wrong, you do that wrong". Do you know what this does sisters? This DRIVES PEOPLE AWAY FROM ISLAM. Stop it. You make it scary to us on the outside, you make it seem like we can never do right. You overwhelm us with your constant picking, its too much. Stop bashing, stop criticizing. For all that is good and holy try helping instead of criticizing, try listening instead of bashing. You will get farther, and we will all feel more at peace.

Peace starts with the individual. Choose peace.

Run

Do you ever feel that instinct that tells you to run, fast?  Kind of like the "fight or flight" instinct.  I'm getting that impulse to flight.  I want to run very far away from all of it.  My chest gets tight, I get panicky, and I want to cry just a little.  The frustration and the confusion are overwelming.  And I just want to run, like a deer spotted by a wolf.  

When I first started studying strictly Islam over a year and half ago, I was thrilled and amazed by the religion.  It agreed so much with my personal beliefs.  I loved the concept of one God and that all prayer was focused on Him alone.  I love the way muslims pray, like a combination of yoga, meditation, and worship.  Hijab fascinated me and I wanted to be a part of it. I got to keep Jesus, just the way I believed in him.  I greatly enjoy the Qur'an and have found it to be incredibly easy to understand.  I have had very little issues with it.  The mosque felt right to me, churches never have.  I felt like I may have found a place comfortable to pray in, outside of my own home.   In this process I have become closer to God than I ever thought was possible for me again.  I haven't been this close to God since I was a child and underwent major surgery.  That surgery is how I found God to begin with.

Yet now as I am studying more of what I call the "rules and regulations" and the common beliefs I have become very frustrated.  The common beliefs of many muslims do not agree with the Qur'an, they are cultural.  All these hadiths, these "rules and regulations", are beyond confusing and often frightening.  I was never frightened by the Bible, but these hadiths scare me because if they are hadiths that means there are people out there who believe they are fact just the way they are written.  That may not be the right way to interpret them, but people tend to take everything literally.  The Islam that I am studying now and the Islam I learned about from My Love and the Qur'an are quite different things.  The Islam I learned from the Qur'an does not agree with women being inferior, killing non-muslims, or that only muslims (those that follow the religion of Islam) can go to heaven.  But what I hear from people is that you should kill non-muslims, that only muslims go to heaven, that women are inferior.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  I'm becoming disenchanted with religion all together, much like I did after years of studying Christianity; that terrifies me too.  That is not a good state of mind to return to.

The religion I started studying over a year and half ago was so beautiful and comforting.  Now its become scary.

I want to give up and run away.  I want to go back to believing that organized religion does not work and I will never find a community to which I belong.  I want to go back to combining the belief in one God and Buddhism, which is what I was working on before discovering Islam.  Life without the Islam I began with seems much sadder than a life with it.  I still want the prayers, hijab, the mosque, the Qur'an.  Just not all these terrifying hadiths.  Not the terriorism type of jihad.  Not the belief that only muslims go to heaven.  I don't want those concepts in my life. The muslims I know do not have these concepts in their lives, they are against them.  They say they are not part of Islam.

I don't know what to believe.  I'm afraid I will become so disenchanted again I will loose God.  I am lost and confused.  Firmly stuck in religion limbo.  I so desperately want out of that place.