Reading too much stuff ends up causing too much confusion.
I didn't get to read any of my religious books while I was home nor did I get to read blogs. All I read was Sophie Kinsella and some young adult literature. I simply was left alone with my personal thoughts and feelings toward religion. I was aware of my couple issues but I did not dwell on them nor did I create new ones. I was at peace with my spiritual identity and my relationship with God. Going to church even solidified it when I couldn't agree with most of what the priest was praying, since Jesus was always God. It was like I was being told "You know what you believe, now claim it". Things were so right in my face, so very clear. Now, only fog.
This may be because I had no new knowledge coming in to create a conflict. And I was also constantly busy so I didn't have time to think about religion, only time to feel. It Then makes me wonder what is best: Stop looking for new information everywhere or continue to obtain more knowledge even if it causes great confusion. Its a hard pill to swallow. My brain right now is stuck in that fog, I know I still haven't done Dhur and Asr but I can't get myself up to do it yet even though I know its good for me. I know praying makes me feel better but my brain feels like its being tugged in two directions and I can't focus enough to get started. I'm really tired of this constant struggling with what I need for myself in religion. Every time I get close to making a choice I stumble upon new information that makes me unsure. So then I regress. I go back to the confused, somewhat depressing fog until I've come up with a satisfying solution.
Religious Limbo sucks. I want out and every time I see a light at the end of the tunnel something stops me from going toward it.
The conclusion to the post "What Makes A Religion Right For Someone" should be up soon...even though I still don't have an answer for myself.
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You have no idea how much I understand! You are describing exactly how it was for me. I missed a lot of prayers worrying over "issues". It doesn't have to go the way it did for me, though.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could try to work out what you feel you need in order to come to a decision, and then concentrate on getting that and try not to go into other things too much?
There is so much information out there that it's enough to make anyone confused! Although it's great that you're so devoted to learning, maybe it would be good to tone down your studies a little bit. And as far as struggling for prayer, my advice is to just do it. Prayer is indeed a jihad (struggle), and sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to forgo it. But ALLAH knows that we need it, and it benefits us so much.
ReplyDeleteI read once that as distressing as the temptation to not pray is, it can actually be a sign of our high iman. Shaytan is always trying to trick people and lead them astray from ALLAH. For some people it is easy to lead them astray, but for people devoted to ALLAH it's harder, since they won't be swayed by worldly things like drugs, alcohol, free sex, etc. Because of this devotion, Shaytan has to use the matter of prayers to draw us away.
Going along with this, my best friend reminded me that ALLAH tests everyone, but especially converts to make sure that we are steadfast in our religion. But the more we are tested, the more we are rewarded Insha'Allah.
Sarah: Yeah I think Im going to move to focusing on my main issues. Which reminds me that I watched a fascinating lecture on the crucifixion which I must post. Sure made me feel a bit better about that verse in the Qur'an. I'm not the only one confused on the subject YAY. I understand that although we experienced similar feelings that does not mean my outcome will be the same as yours. When I think of cutting Islam out, its a much darker and depressing fog than the one I have now. I will take the one I have now any day over that.
ReplyDeleteAnne: Thanks for the kind words. I got through at least one and I feel better. Prayer tends to ground me a bit. I never really believed in Satan as some kind of force. But recently, I am allowing it to be a possibility. Since it always feels like God is guiding me one way and something else is trying to pull me in the opposite direction.
My brain is usually cloudy with a 100% chance of random thoughts. ^_^
ReplyDeleteBut seriously... I was in your position not too long ago, but thankfully God pointed me in what I consider to be the right decision. The "limbo" stage *was* a massive headache and very stressful, and I had to lay off any and all religious literature for a while. My brain just couldn't take it anymore.
I'll pray that you find your path soon and that finding it will make that fog in your head vanish. *hugs*
Looking forward to your next RTV.
Heather: Yeah I've been in that fog for 10 years, I'm ready to be done!
ReplyDeleteYes a new RTV would probably help :)