What Do I Say...

I go home in a little over a week for Christmas. I am already anxious about having another talk with my parents. I know that I most likely will, and should, speak to at least my mother again on the subject. I want to take a different approach than what it seems most people did. I want to keep my parents in the loop on my progress. I so badly just want to be honest with them. I feel that giving them information a little at a time is going to be much better in the long run then coming home one day and going "hi I'm a muslim now!". Yes, giving them information over time and having multiple discussions is harder on me but in the end I think it will help to preserve our relationship.

Did I ever speak about how I told them of my interest initially? They had just met My Love, he came to a wedding with us and then my parents stayed in the city for a few days to visit. It had been their anniversary and I wrote them a letter thanking them for being so kind to My Love and for not shunning him because of his religion. For being accepting and for allowing me to explore. Yes, this did result in my mother freaking out but it opened up a dialogue. It also lead to me meeting his parents (not having met his parents was the one thing both my parents had issues with).

This has lead to a couple uncomfortable discussions with my mother but I truly feel honesty is the best policy. I want to sit her down and say:

"Mom, I know you are unhappy with my interest in being muslim. I'm sorry it hurts you. This truly does not have anything to do with me getting married. I just want what is best for me and this might be it. This does not mean I have anything against Christianity, Christianity is great. Its just not for me. I have more studying to do and I am working on that. I have a few things I still need to figure out but I want to be honest with you and say I am considering converting. This has nothing to do with being against you or Christianity, its just about me and God. I don't want to hurt you or Dad, I don't want to make things difficult for you. I will do my best to find a way to make things as easy for you as possible. I am sorry, I wish this could only be hard on me. Please just try to accept this and work with me on it instead of against me. I don't want to loose you over this."

I don't know what to do. I so desperately want it out in the open. I'm so tired of lying, both to my parents and his. I have to be one person with my parents, another with his parents. One person with my non muslim friends, and another with my muslim friends. I want to be myself, always. Not just when it is convenient for everyone else. Right now, the main thing holding me back is a fear that I could loose my parents. If I can lessen that fear I will be able to think more clearly.

My God help me. May God make it easy for me. I thank God for the ease he has given me. May God lessen the burden on my parents and help them find a way to understand. May God accept my plea to be closer to him and to find my way.

May God help us all in our journey.

Amen