My mother is now mad at me and I have no idea why. She found the books I left for her which might have something to do with it. We were so busy I didn't even get to mention them. I left her Remember Me? By Sophie Kinsella, Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity, and Daughters of Another Path. I take it she is mad about Daughters. She asked me about the books this morning on the phone and I said I left them for her. She sounded so hurt and angry but I have no idea why. Later, she found an unopened present in my stocking and said that maybe I forgot it because it was too much Christmas for me. I just don't understand this kind of behavior. My choice my life. I now completely understand why a lot of people never tell their parents they have converted. Its too much strain on the parents and the convert. Maybe it is better if they never know for sure. I'm starting to lean toward that view. My mom is going through so much right now. My grandmother is sick and won't see a doctor. She lives 3 hours from my parents and my mom has to go back and forth because my grandmother refuses to move in with them even though she can't take care of herself. My mother's brother died half a year ago so now mom is the soul caretaker of my grandmother plus she is dealing with no longer having her brother. She feels all her family has died (once my grandmother passes she will have no living blood relatives outside of me, my brother, and my dad). Add also that my mother is ill with an odd kidney disease that the doctors don't know how to treat. She is dealing with her own mortality for the first time in her life, she can't handle me wanting to be a different religion. She needs Christianity more now than ever she can't cope with the fact that her daughter wants something else. I have to keep my mouth shut for her sanity. Although she needs to see a psychologist. I will pray that God lessen her pain and stress.
I think I need to see a psychologist myself. I can't handle the strain on my own anymore. Its too much. But I don't think their are psychologists that specialize in identity crisis and religion. Le Sigh.
May God help me.
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You don't have to tell your mother if you don't want to. This is a very delicate situation you are in so taking it easy will probably be best. Go out of your way to make you mom happy it has to be scary to have your loved ones die off on you. Also when someone of the family leaves the faith the remaining members take it as a rejection of them and it is very personal. You seem to be in a lot of turmoil so I also suggest you do istikhara.
ReplyDeleteMay your troubles be eased ameen. May your grandmother be cured ameen and may you mother find inner peace ameen.
Your mother's going through a lot of stress right now, and that makes anyone more sensitive and easy to jump to conclusions and take things in ways they wouldn't ordinarily.
ReplyDeleteAs I said before, I've always believed that it's best that a person converting to another religion let their family in on the journey, so they don't just get it dumped on them, *but* each family is different. You know your family best. If it eases the strain in your family now, when your mother needs closeness, then it may be better to keep this to yourself for the moment. Unfortunately you're the only one who can really judge, and you're in the middle of it, so your judgment is necessarily skewed.
Pray, and do what you judge best. It's all anyone can do.
Hugs! I'm sorry this is so hard. I really feel for your mom though. It sounds like her life is tough right now. And I know you love her and seeing her this way hurts you as well. Hopefully things will be better soon.
ReplyDeleteDude, story of my life. Seriously. I can't really offer any helpful hints because I'm going through the same thing and have no idea what to do either. Just know that it's gonna be hard, but Alhamdulillah ALLAH will always be with us and will never let us down.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the support. It just hurts me to see her hurting and if I can make it a little less by not updating her on my progress than I think for the moment that is the right thing to do. I want to do what is right, be honest, but sometimes what seems like the right thing to do is not always best.
ReplyDeleteBad part is this is hard on me. That she is ill, that my grandmother is ill and I want to go toward God. This need for God is pushing me closer to needing Islam.
I spoke to My Love and he understands if I may not tell them, that they may not know for sure if I convert (I havent yet btw). And he did say he knows a convert who is also a psychologist :) He is going to try to put me in contact with a convert or two to ask them how they handled their parents.
Thanks for letting me get this all out. Its been making things difficult.
You are being so considerate, I think that's lovely. Hopefully when things in her life are more stable, she'll be able to react more positively.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me people ask questions when they are open to hearing the answer. Unless you purposely hide your interest in Islam (which you are not), it will show itself in little ways, and if your mum isn't asking you questions it means she doesn't want to hear about it.
So I would think of it not as keeping information from her or being dishonest, but simply waiting for her to take the initiative. When she's ready you will have that conversation.
As for it being hard on you... I understand! Try to take it easy and not put too much pressure on yourself. Talking to a counsellor might not be a bad idea.
I hope it all gets easier! (hugs)
Sarah:*hugs back* thank you that is a great way to look at it. I suppose that is actually what I am doing. Im not going to hide it but Im not going to bring it up either. Im just going to do what I feel I need to do (And I dont 100% know what that is yet).
ReplyDeleteYeah I need to speak to someone. Would just be nice if I could find someone who DIDN'T know My Love and his family so I could also discuss our potential marriage situation. But I will take what I can get :) If I went to a psychologist who had never been through anything similar they would probably just tell me to walk away or jump to the idea that this has to do with getting married and nothing else. They won't understand unless they have had the need to be something that society says is not good (aka changing your religion or being gay etc). So maybe I need a gay psychologist? LOL