When I first started studying strictly Islam over a year and half ago, I was thrilled and amazed by the religion. It agreed so much with my personal beliefs. I loved the concept of one God and that all prayer was focused on Him alone. I love the way muslims pray, like a combination of yoga, meditation, and worship. Hijab fascinated me and I wanted to be a part of it. I got to keep Jesus, just the way I believed in him. I greatly enjoy the Qur'an and have found it to be incredibly easy to understand. I have had very little issues with it. The mosque felt right to me, churches never have. I felt like I may have found a place comfortable to pray in, outside of my own home. In this process I have become closer to God than I ever thought was possible for me again. I haven't been this close to God since I was a child and underwent major surgery. That surgery is how I found God to begin with.
Yet now as I am studying more of what I call the "rules and regulations" and the common beliefs I have become very frustrated. The common beliefs of many muslims do not agree with the Qur'an, they are cultural. All these hadiths, these "rules and regulations", are beyond confusing and often frightening. I was never frightened by the Bible, but these hadiths scare me because if they are hadiths that means there are people out there who believe they are fact just the way they are written. That may not be the right way to interpret them, but people tend to take everything literally. The Islam that I am studying now and the Islam I learned about from My Love and the Qur'an are quite different things. The Islam I learned from the Qur'an does not agree with women being inferior, killing non-muslims, or that only muslims (those that follow the religion of Islam) can go to heaven. But what I hear from people is that you should kill non-muslims, that only muslims go to heaven, that women are inferior. I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm becoming disenchanted with religion all together, much like I did after years of studying Christianity; that terrifies me too. That is not a good state of mind to return to.
The religion I started studying over a year and half ago was so beautiful and comforting. Now its become scary.
I want to give up and run away. I want to go back to believing that organized religion does not work and I will never find a community to which I belong. I want to go back to combining the belief in one God and Buddhism, which is what I was working on before discovering Islam. Life without the Islam I began with seems much sadder than a life with it. I still want the prayers, hijab, the mosque, the Qur'an. Just not all these terrifying hadiths. Not the terriorism type of jihad. Not the belief that only muslims go to heaven. I don't want those concepts in my life. The muslims I know do not have these concepts in their lives, they are against them. They say they are not part of Islam.
I don't know what to believe. I'm afraid I will become so disenchanted again I will loose God. I am lost and confused. Firmly stuck in religion limbo. I so desperately want out of that place.
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Such a beautiful post! :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I understand, I think. My specific issues are different, but I get to a point, I stress, I freak out.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a 'break'? It's what helps me. I purposefully take a step back from intense learning/study of faith and do silly, goofy, not earth shatteringly important things. And in a little while, I feel better about going back and learning.
Amber: Yes that is a good idea. I took a break for awhile and I thought I could get back on the bandwagon. Apparently I wasn't ready. I think I might try and just read the Qur'an and stop reading other things, especially the internet. Hopefully the school will help, I am waiting for them to get back to me.
ReplyDeleteOh I know the perfect answer: more RESPECT THE VEIL lol And maybe re-reading all of Runaways cause its awesome.
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is I know how you feel.
I guess I reached a point where I divorced myself from the "mainstream" stuff, pretty much. I still go to sites like IslamOnline etc. for info, but I don't take everything too seriously. I just accepted that I am not going to be a mainstream believer. All that hadith-based stuff used to bother me much more, but now I just let it go and see it as something that I don't need to wrestle with.
I think we have to forge our own path, ultimately, but hopefully that doesn't mean we can't still be part of a community. No community is perfect but it's workable. I go to Islamic Society meetings, and I bristle when people say things like "saying salaam alaikum gives you 70 good deeds" because I'm not in that mindset, but it's OK - I just accept that that is the way a lot of Muslims are brought up.
Stick to the Quran if that is what you have found inspiring. Even working out what I think of the Quran is hard enough. Sometimes I am so impressed by it I feel I have to believe in it. Other times I nit-pick over little things that I don't understand and then I spiral into anxiety about losing all faith in religion and God. It's not pleasant.
Hang in there... that's what I'm trying to do!
ehugs.
ReplyDeleteTake your time. People will always take whatever part of the religion they think will further their cause and if it is not there they will stretch or outright fabricate something.
If you feel this overwhelmed step away from it adn step away from the people who are confusing you until you get your thoughts in order.
remember istikhara? keep praying it. Guidance will come from Allah swt via whatever method he chooses for you.
Laila - Yes we do seem to parallel each other huh? That is good advice. I dont think you can ever be "mainstream" when you aren't born into a religion. I think you have to learn certain things when you are young to believe in them, else wise they just seem off.
ReplyDeleteTuttie: Thanks for the reminder :) I will do that tonight. It is one of my favorites
I know what you mean. I was in your shoes not so long ago, but God pointed me in what I consider the right direction as a whole and particularly the right direction for me personally. I'm confident He won't leave you in faith limbo for long. Something will tug you in one direction or another.
ReplyDeleteLK, I'm sorry you are struggling. My suggestion: follow God. Forget about all those people and their far-fetched beliefs which are contrary to the beauty you found in the Qur'an. You can dismiss the hadiths. I wish more Muslims would as they seem to be very hate-filled.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes!
P.S. When my Muslim friend was sharing about Islam and really wished I would convert, I asked him, "Why do you want to put me under all those rules? Moses had laws for the Jews, but Jesus came to fulfill the law and He gave me freedom. Why do you now want to put me under Muhammad's laws where I am governed in *every single detail* of life -- even how I enter and use a bathroom?" He mulled this over and months later told me he didn't want to put me under rules because he saw that I had joy and inner peace in following Jesus. :)
ReplyDeleteSusanne, Yeah, I've had that conversation too. I told the person that Islam appeared to be a step back (in the direction of Law as opposed to grace) rather than a step forward.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support everyone
ReplyDeleteHeather: Yes eventually God will tell me what to do. I do hope it doesn't take another 15 years lol
Susanne: You have a point. Most hadiths actually are quite good, but we only hear about the bad ones, and tend to focus on those. I know a lot of good ones, its the bad that stress me out.
Islam does have a belief in place that as long as you are one of the 3 Abrahamic religions and you follow the teachings of said religion you can go to heaven. Seems your friend remembered this. If someone is happy in their faith, whatever it is, I say stick to that You have found your way to God, and that is a beautiful thing. Don't let anyone take you away from that.