Christianity never became a part of my identity so to speak. Monotheism did and yes because Christianity is part of my culture it became a part of me. But when people would ask me what religion I was I would say "I'm Catholic by association". Because I never felt I was actually Catholic due to the major issues I have with the Christian religion.
So it seems odd to me despite my issues with Islam, which are currently major ones, I am feeling grounded by the religion. I am feeling a foundation under my feet that i have never had before. Its like the tree is taking root but its still winter so the tree may die before it can truly take hold.
Maybe its because through Islam I have fulfilled so many needs, even beyond religion. Yes it agrees with a lot of my personal views on religion which is what attracted me to it in the first place. Its given me a form of prayer I love. But its also given me a group of women I actually get along with. Its given me the chance to maybe have that female group of friends most have in their lifetime (I never did). Its given me a community to belong to, a place where I feel like I belong. It feeds my need for philosophical study and knowledge. It allows me to have a man who is both wonderful and religious. It allows me to be myself and not struggle so hard to fit in. Yes, I struggle more to fit in with everyday American society than I do the muslims.
But can you base a religious choice on these things? Not really because you still need to agree with the main parts of the religion. And right now, I have a few things to figure out.
But I think of what my life would be like if I said no to Islam and I shutter. It would be pretty bleak. The only good part is I would be able to continue to live my life without people being prejudice against me and my parents won't get mad at me. That is about it. I loose my foundation, my footing. It all goes away and I return to square one floating around trying to find something that fits. Let me tell you that is not a pretty existence.
I never ask this but a can I get a little prayer over here? A little du'a for me? I'm so confused and I'm so tired of being confused. I keep saying "Please, please God just tell me the answer. I can't do this forever." But God has not yet chosen to give me an answer. I just hope that i can hang on until He does.
Patience, Patience....
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What a heartfelt post. I'll pray for God to guide you to the truth and give you peace.
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly like you do in a lot of ways. Only difference is that I decided it was OK for me to consider myself Muslim. I admit, I am not "out" yet in my real life, and I'm not there yet, but just me, myself, I consider myself Muslim. It probably wouldn't fit into certain people's definition of Muslim. I still have doubts on things people consider very basic beliefs, but I wish to submit to God, and I find Islam a more than suitable way to do it. For me, that's enough as I continue my journey.
ReplyDeleteI do know what you mean. I don't think I ever felt Muslim to the extent that you describe, but I certainly felt a little like that, and I guess I had a bit of a love affair with Islam (although it didn't quite get off the ground). I think the comparison with a relationship works quite well. A relationship can have some weighty issues as well as a lot of love and closeness. I think all relationships are a little bit irrational! Maybe it's like that with religions too.
ReplyDeleteI'll pray for you. <3
Thanks ladies. Yeah I have a few things that I feel are make it or break it issues for me personally. If I can reconcile them, then I will take the next step. "No god but God" has been a huge help. But I would miss this religion so much if I cant reconcile :( I think that is the big difference: I don't miss Christianity. I would miss cultural aspects if I was one to believe muslims cant celebrate Christmas or have a Western wedding. But I don't really miss the religion per say. I wanted to be a part of Christianity because I thought that was my only option, not because I felt it was right for me.
ReplyDeleteI will never be a traditional muslimah. It won't happen. However, I think that is ok. After all, Islam tells you to seek knowledge, do not accept everything you are taught, and to respect other religions. The Qur'an agrees with me, its muslims who often don't. :)
I think that a lot of people have an initial attraction the the Islamic lifestyle and community. For some reason though, it always takes us longer to figure out where we fit in in terms of belief.
ReplyDeleteI'll pray that you get the big things figured out before too much longer.
Thank you stacy
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ReplyDeleteEven though you are still unsure about a lot of things, I think it's wonderful that you have become so attached to Islam nevertheless. People come to Islam for all different reasons; some study a lot and decide that it is the truth, others marry into it, others join because they are attracted to the community, etc. I think it's fine for you to identify as a Muslim but not actually "be" one yet (i.e. not have taken the shahadah yet). I felt like a Muslim in my heart for three years before I actually said my shahadah, both because I couldn't practice at home and also to make sure that I was really willing to take on all the responsibilities and beliefs being a Muslim entails. There was a point during this time where I questioned whether or not I could do it because I wasn't sure if I would be able to pray five times a day.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've read in your posts, I think that you have a gut feeling as to what you want to do. But since you are still confused, maybe it would be best to call yourself a Muslim and live as a Muslim, but to wait until you've resolved your conflicts before you actually "make it official". Insha'Allah ALLAH will help you during this time and make things clear in your heart.
<3 <3 <3
Anne: that is basically what I've been doing since Ramadan. I've been living mostly as a muslim without being one. Its like I'm taking it for a test drive to make sure I can do everything.
ReplyDeleteThats a big thing for me. I dont want to convert if I cant do things properly. Doing really isn't the issue though. Its so hard to find out what you really need to believe to be part of a religion. A lot of "beliefs" turn out to be strictly cultural and not what the Prophets had in mind at all. All monotheistic religions have this issue. Its a lot of red tape to sort through/
I can think of a one little prayer I used to repete before I became "a real muslim":
ReplyDelete(O God, you know how much I want to please you, and if this religion is the one tht will garenty this wish for me, then please guid my heart to it.. to your straight path).
Salaam!
ReplyDeleteInshallah the confusion will evaporate...
Whatever major issues you have with the religion can always be sorted out with time..no? and inshallah someone enlightened enough would answer them for you or you yourself will arrive at them Inshallah soon enough when you're ready...
I guess all of us, regardless of our religious orientation are always searching for answers..and that doesn't really end...
The soul will be satisfied and will reach perfection only when it unites with its Creator...but there's a long long way to that...
I think we're just as confused as we make ourselves to be...
Just go with your pace...and do the right thing when you're ready for it.
Till then try sorting out the issues that trouble you and Inshallah all will fit into place :)
With prayers,
Splendid! :)
I think you're making the right decision by doing a "test drive" of Islam. And you're right, there is just so much "stuff" that seems to have been added to Islam, and it's really tricky to find out what's real and what's cultural. Islam is supposed to be a simple religion, but the way some people interpret it sure doesn't seem that way sometimes. I guess the only time we can ever be 100% positive of what is real and what is cultural is when we get to Jannah, Insha'Allah, and can find the answers to all the questions we ever had (religious or non-religious questions).
ReplyDeleteAnon: thats a lovely prayer :)
ReplyDeleteSplendid: thanks I will take my time
Anne: thats very true
You have every right to identify yourself as a Muslim if you want to sis. I completely understand where you are, though. When I felt like that, I decided to take some time away from studying and thinking and just let myself *be*. Since then, my mind has been a lot more quiet and I actually feel like my decision has been made clearer. If you want to, making dua is a great thing to do. I also find that reading Qur'an or books from the imams helps me a lot.
ReplyDeleteSpending a full day doing "Muslim" things was good for me too - I went to a city 2 hours away and spent the day in hijab, visited a few mosques to pray there, ate in halal restaurants, etc, so I could give myself a real example of how life might be.
InshaAllah God will make this journey easier for you ameen.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteEllen: I spend the day doing muslims things every Sunday and Friday evenings :) Its nice
ReplyDeleteI do need a break its just hard. I know that even after a decision there are a bunch more problems waiting in the wing. Thanks for your prayers
Heather: *Hugs back*
You are quite right to be hesitant about viewing such things as companionship, relationships, 'fitting in', or even just a feeling of being grounded as being sufficient reason to adopt a religion. Quite frankly, doing so would open you to the charge of worshiping these things instead of God. If you adopt a religion, it must be for God *only*. So I am very happy for you that you see the problem here.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, you are very right to suspect that if you don't convert, twenty years down the road you could be still single, old enough that having children would be a bad idea even if you did get married when it was still theoretically possible to do so, self-employed, working at home, spending your days with your cats, reading and commenting on blogs, talking to someone on the phone for social purposes perhaps once a week, having a social engagement perhaps once or twice a month with someone from among a small group of friends, but otherwise going for days at a time with no human contact except perhaps the postman or your housekeeper, attending some place of worship perhaps once a month and just not having the strength to go any more often because you know you just don't fit in, so that you have no formal membership anywhere, and being so at odds with your own mother about spiritual matters that all you can do is talk on the phone every once in a while, knowing that an agreement never to actually see each other again in this life is the price you must pay to maintain some sort of peace in your relationship.
The problem is that many people view such a life as tragic. It is all a matter of how one chooses to think about it. Does one choose to think that way, or does one choose to be thankful that one can spend 24 hours a day with creatures who by virtue of their impartial love (i.e. regardless of whether they get fed) live God's commandments better than any human being? Does one feel satisfied that one can provide a home for these creatures who would otherwise be out in the snow freezing their buns 24/7? Is one happy to have the time for serious reflection that being alone for long periods provides? Does one view the lack of membership in organized religion as giving a certain freedom not to have to fit in? Does one view the lack of like-minded people in one's life, the solitary nature of one's spiritual path, perhaps the necessity to give up a chance to be married, as a sacrifice to be offered to God as the price to be paid to live a life truly pleasing to Him? Is one aware that many pay a much higher price, and that one may be asked to pay even the ultimate price someday for one's faith? Does one view the sacrifices one is asked to make as a test of whether one REALLY worships one and only one God?
Caraboska: First of all I would never "worship" those things. That is a ridiculous assumption. Secondly, I am rather offended by you assuming that this has anything to do with a fear of being single. I am not desperate to get married. Frankly, I'm not even sure I want to go anywhere near marriage if it doesn't work out with him. I've already had 2 "almost engagements" three is enough.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes I find that tragic, for a person like me that would the worst thing. Those who need to be around people cannot live like that.
And i do not feel that choosing another religion is going to make me pay a higher price to God. I do not believe in "one religion only" concepts. I am looking for my path to God and that does not have to stop if I marry. I have no idea what you are trying to get to about tests and I felt no freedom being outside the box. If anything I just felt really alone.
And yes I worship ONE God and only ONE God. That I am sure of.
Marriage makes life and faith easier. Marriage builds our character in a unique way. God can teach us so many things through marriage, even though marriage is necessarily imperfect. God isn't limited by our limited marriages and everything else that is limited about us. Thank God!
ReplyDeleteI don't believe for a minute God wants anyone to be single. He created Adam and Eve for each other. He created all creatures in pairs. He creates new lives through our unions. We would die out if we didn't. And there is just so much beauty and blessing in that union. And all this even though no-one is really all that good at marriage. We learn to be good at it. Marriage tempers us. It teaches us about what it means to love.
Caraboska, I really respect your dedication to God. And I am glad you are happy. But I hope and pray you get to experience marriage as well. It makes me sad to think you are missing out on a big blessing there because of... well, what I think is perfectionism. You want to do everything just perfect. But why? Christianity is not a perfectionistic religion! I know it's none of my business, but I think you are being overly hard on yourself, and God probably would rather you receive the good things He's created for us in all their messy lack of clarity, and rely on His grace to take you in the right direction through the journey. You are not in any danger of worshipping your own desires, and neither is LK - I know this for sure from what she's written elsewhere. But it isn't wrong to have desires, and by fulfilling them we are not loving God any less.
When I got married, I was not at a stage in my relationship with God where I was willing to put God first. But God has blessed me immensely anyway. The consequence of me being selfish was guilt, and hiding from God for a number of years. Now I see that nothing I have done is beyond redemption. God has not left me even though I haven't always put Him first. What can we say then about people like you who DO put Him first? What is there to be afraid of??
Do you really think God wants us to deny ourselves everything that might appeal to us and might be good for us, until we can work out for sure that it would meet all sorts of elaborate criteria for righteousness, or have some sort of confirmation from Him? Doesn't that seem like a God who is trying to booby trap us, rather than a loving fatherly God? A God who is ready to criticise us on any little thing, rather than a God who is full of grace?
At this point I am less certain about God than I have ever been. But life itself has shown me goodness, and that goodness is what I still call "God". Learning to love goodness is what I call "redemption". And uncertainty has paradoxically brought more clarity. What I see more than anything is that religion can tie me in knots, and make me lose sight of the fact that goodness pervades everything and that all I need to do is look for it.
OK I'm done... sorry for the "essay"!
Sarah, I liked your essay! :) Nicely stated.
ReplyDeleteLK, I think very few if any people consciously worship the sorts of things we are discussing here. I actually meant the opposite: *not* choosing Islam will carry a high price for you. It is as I thought before: you aren't any particular religion at the moment. That portrait I gave of how life could turn out is of course based on my personal experience, and I tried to cite - not just for your sake, but that of anyone else reading this as well - a kind of extreme example of a life that people commonly think of as tragic, but which can be viewed in other ways. And as far as you yourself and your personal life might tie into that, it was more the idea of that you might end up not marrying that particular person.
ReplyDeleteWWR, marriage can make life and faith easier if one is fortunate enough to have someone with whom one is on the same page about life and faith. Not everyone is so lucky. For those who are far out of the box, it is a fact of life that if they want peace of mind, they have to accept that at that very moment in time, being single is the price they pay for being who they are - for their own integrity. Just like if you have a life-threatening illness, if you want peace of mind you have to assume you have time to think only about God and His provision. It is a matter of survival. Just like if you have abusive people in your life that you don't have any choice but to be around them, you learn to turn off sentiment, fear and even anger at the drop of a pin if it becomes necessary for your survival. Now that I think of it, what I am writing bears the marks of worshiping peace of mind and survival - things I have suspected myself of more than once over the years, but never been able to think really sensibly about it, neither condemning nor indulging myself.
All for now, if I think of something sensible to write in addition, I'll be here later.
I'm not being hard on myself. I'm just doing what I have to to survive and live a peaceful life - and continue to think rightly about God and His place in my life.
Caraboska: I apologize for misunderstanding. I hope you stay strong on your path :)
ReplyDelete@ Caraboska -
ReplyDelete"WWR, marriage can make life and faith easier if one is fortunate enough to have someone with whom one is on the same page about life and faith."
As you know, I am not in that position, but that doesn't mean God hasn't been able to bless me through my marriage and teach me about love. God just doesn't seem to be all that limited! I had so many insecurities and other flaws when I was single that marriage has forced me to face and confront. The lessons are hard but so worth it.
Obviously the more rigid a person is about things, the more problematic any differences will be. And so the more likely they will be on their own, isolated from even family members as well as not being close to others. I don't know, I just can't see that as being what God would want. If we are all created in God's image then the way I see it there is much to learn about God from relationships with people (in the general sense). I find it extremely unlikely that God would want anyone to miss out on that by insisting so hard on remaining "far out of the box" that barriers have to be put up. I don't think any of us have got our thinking about God completely right, and if there was no such thing as grace, that *would* be a big problem, but as it is... we trust that God works through our imperfections... right?
It just seems to me like you are holding yourself to an impossible standard, and maybe for some reason it's easier for you to do that than to let someone love you? Just a thought.
Did I ever say that God can't bring blessing from less than ideal situations, and even out-and-out mistakes on our part? No. Did I ever say there is no redemption if we have made a mistake? No. But if someone knows the right thing to do, then they are obligated to do it.
ReplyDeleteI am a Christian, and that means that before I marry, I must be certain that the relationship will meet Christian standards, so that I will not find I am engaging in something that Christian teaching would regard as legalized fornication - or, worse yet, getting someone else involved in such a thing.
Tell me: do you think it is wise for a Christian to marry someone about whom s/he knows that each of their respective views about important issues that Christianity teaches are intrinsic to the definition of Christian marriage, or worse yet, the Biblical definition of how to enter a right relationship with God, if taken to their logical conclusion, would tell them to view the other as serving the devil and on their way to hell - even if both parties identify as Christian?
Of course, love is more important than doctrine. But love is not more important than God. And using love as an excuse to enter a relationship which does not fulfill the requirements for it to be a valid marriage amounts to making love more important than God. It is idolatry. So if you are in that position, sure - you love. And you stay just friends.
This is not just theoretical. It's a price I am paying for my beliefs right now as I speak, with regard to someone in particular, and have paid innumerable times over the course of my life.
PS There are legitimate reasons for self-protection. If you have a good relationship with your spouse or family, that's great. But the fact remains that when a given person does need protection, it is almost always... from their family or loved ones. So I think it is far wiser, if one is contemplating marriage, to walk into it with one's eyes wide open to this fact, and do risk management in advance.
ReplyDeletePPS LK, I'm sorry, it seems I have in large measure contributed to this thread getting hijacked. It is difficult for me to say anything else really sensible to the post proper except 'I'll pray for you.' Indeed, I have already done so...
Caraboska: Dont worry about hijacking. Thanks for your prayers
ReplyDeleteSomeone had an interesting comment on WWR’s blog today that in the Quran the word truth has always been used with God and never with religion. In fact many people fall in love with the idea of being part of a religion or fall in love with the religion itself and convert looking for truth when the real truth is only God.
ReplyDeleteObviously my story is a lot different since I was born into the religion and my quest was never for a *true religion* but for Truth of God itself and I came to very different conclusions. For example, I don’t think that Islam is the only monotheistic religion or even the most perfect religion. However, I have now firmly begun to believe that there is absolutely no right path to God. All paths lead to him, some are terribly organized, others are loose and have no well-defined boundaries and so it is alright which ever path you take as long as you are God conscious and do good. But if in the name of the path I commit atrocities and ban people from doing fairly harmless things then there is something definitely wrong with the path that I have chosen and all just and honest people should stand up against me.
You are a special woman, LK. You are God conscious and you want to do good; you do good. So, you would prosper in any situation, Inshallah. I'm one of those persons who truly doesn't care whether you become Muslim or Christian or Jew or Sikh because to me true belief in God is more important than looking for a true religion. Therefore, I will always pray that you find whatever will make you most peaceful. And I’m certain that you will find peace in Islam because you love it so much and that Islam will benefit too from having a dedicated follower as yourself. That is what is important because Muslims need people like you who do good and are peace loving.
I too will pray for your peace. The fruit of patience is always sweet :)
Achelois: I think that is my problem. I'm still looking for the "true religion" which doesn't exist. Its subjective. Its per individual.
ReplyDeleteBut there are a couple things you need to be believe in to be Muslim (One God, Qur'an, Muhammad) God and Qur'an haven't been so difficult, Muhammad and I need to get to know eachother better. Its hard when you go from having Jesus as your religion's main prophet who (to our knowledge) never did anything questionable to someone more human like Muhammad.
Thank you for the support and the prayers. :) You are very kind.