Here is my example:
I have to work. If I were to marry My Love I would have to work to make all the money because he is in grad school. I would be working and in grad school myself. So would I still be expected to do everything? To come home, pretty myself up, make the food, clean the house. Wait on him hand and foot? I don't think so.
Now of course he doesn't expect this from me but it always makes me nervous. In the event that I don't marry My Love I fear that any other man would expect too much from me since many people in authority seem to think this is exactly how it should work. The woman should be beautiful for her man and wait on him hand and foot. I couldn't do it while having to work plus I think the man should chip in. Only way I can see the man not helping around the house is if the woman doesn't work and doesn't have children. Outside of that he should help.
I know this differs culture to culture. A woman from Pakistan would have a lot less of an issue with this concept than a muslim woman from America. But a woman from Pakistan would also never think of working in a million years, its just not done in her culture.
What do you all think? How does it actually work?
Posts
I think it's nice to make yourself pretty for your husband - but remember that if he really loves you (or he is committed to having a loving relationship with you), then the tiniest things will make you extra pretty to him. E.g. my husband is really happy if I straighten my hair one day or put on a bit of mascara at home. That's it. He doesn't expect me to walk around in lingerie and pack on the makeup 24/7, just like I don't expect him to walk around the house in a suit. InshaAllah when you marry, your husband will be a man who appreciates the little special gestures. I don't wait on my husband either - I might make his tea for him but if he wants his clothes ironed, he knows where the iron is. So there's a line between doing nice things for him (that inshaAllah your husband will reciprocate) and doing absolutely everything.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to prattle on about my husband all the time but this is the only way I can give you examples about an Islamic marriage lol.
I think you'll be fine re working. Certain Pakistani women might not work but I would definitely think that many do, so it's probably not as big an issue as it might feel like. Also, your love has (I'm guessing?) grown up in your country so inshaAllah a lot of the difficult cultural differences will be toned down a lot.
Just go into any marriage with an open mind. A bi-cultural marriage isn't easy but every day brings new experiences that you wouldn't have had before. I'm really praying for your success sis, you are so dedicated! MashaAllah.
I just wrote a post almost identical to this. Like you, I'm unsure of what my expectations are. Ideally we would both strive to please each other, but so often it seems like only the wife has to please the husband. I want a marriage that is a partnership, where there is love and mutual respect, i.e. we are "garments" for each other as ALLAH says men and women should be for each other in the Qur'an.
ReplyDeleteEllen557 I find it hard to believe that you do not like ironing your hubby's clothes,it is very theraputic,try it you will like it and hubby will look good at work,like the old Vidal Sassoon commercial goes: "If he(you) doesn't(don't) look good Ellen (we don't) doesn't look good".That's another reason why wives need to stay home permanently.
ReplyDeleteEllen: yeah you have a good point and he totally doesn't expect me to do everything and most likely I would never marry a man who would. But there is stuff I wont let him do, like I would never let him do the laundry he might shrink my clothes! And he doesn't know how to cook AT ALL. Like, I'm sure he would help but I know that he can only make scrambled eggs...lost cause for sure LOL
ReplyDeleteAnne: yeah different cultures have different opinions. Hard to know what is what.
BTW I never iron I use downy wrinkle release spray. Spray it on, shake out the clothes, tug at it a bit, and poof no more wrinkles. It ROCKS!
LOL! I have never seen a spray like that! And yep I wash all our clothes because the last time he did that (two years ago!) all my whites turned blueeeeee *sobs* hahah.
ReplyDeleteYou could cook together? M and I did that for a while because I didn't know how to make Saudi things, so he got the recipes from the net and we figured out how to do it.
Krystal - Lol, no, I still don't plan on ironing everything for him. That's more because I am horrible at it though (you'd be surprised at how many tops of mine I've ruined hehehe) but still. I think it's important that tasks be shared as opposed to one person doing everything.
Ellen: LOL my understanding is he can do laundry since he does his family's but most of my clothes cant go in a dryer or it will shrink. He would not be able to tell. Then my clothes would be too small :(
ReplyDeleteI think he wouldn't mind helping me cook or learning how to make a couple of things. He says he wants to help he just doesn't know how. His mom tried to teach him but it didn't sink in lol She says "if you want to marry an american girl you have to learn to do things for yourself. They will not wait on you like a Pakistani girl" LOL
I cant iron so I got downy wrinkle spray! I use to own a steamer before that since its really hard to iron crepe (the fabric abayas and tunic shirts are often made out of). And long skirts are REALLY hard to iron. You could try a steamer they work great for almost anything. And you wont burn your clothes.
oh downy spray and steamers are FANTASTIC on scarves. Especially the thin delicate ones or the satin kind.
ReplyDeleteYou're right American girls don't wait on their husbands like oriental girls do,and come to find out Pakistani girls,thanks for that information.
ReplyDeleteWhen I went to school I lerned to iron and how to starch,the best way to iron especially if the temperture is high is to use a wet white cotton cloth so as not to burn the clothes.I intend to marry me a boy in a band and so just like with my ex soldier boy I've got to iron up a steam.It's a matter of if he wants a sharp crease in his jeans or not though soldier's uniform pant's crease you can cut with,they haave to be that sharp and straight,got into trouble when they got crooked and double with myself that is,I wanted the creses to be that perfect.I notice this one musician changed his shirts a lot during perfomances,his wife must "WORK LIKE A DOG" keeping up with all his laundry and ironing,lol.She is an American and might want to cheat and take it all to a laudry mat though.
I view this as one of those things that's going to vary from relationship to relationship. What works for one couple is not going to work for another. My grandparents, for example - my grandmother did all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, and she handled the finances. My grandfather couldn't have cooked or laundered to save his life. On the other hand, he did all the house/yard maintenance and work, repaired, yadda. And they both had jobs - he was a police officer and she was a nurse. It was hard, but they worked out the balance. Their balance just turned out to be kind of traditional, but I have a friend whose husband does all their cooking and laundry, just because he has the time, and she doesn't. But that's totally absent of cultural differences. I think it's just something you and Your Love will have to discuss and work out for yourselves.
ReplyDelete(And if he thinks you should look like a model every day, I feel you'd be totally justified in expecting him to have washboard abs and be gorgeous. All the time.) :-) (Not that you're saying he expects this, but you get what I mean...)
Amber: Yes it does vary from couple to couple. I was just wondering if the jobs were previously assigned by some hadith, since they are not in the Qur'an. All the Qur'an says is that men and women will have different rolls which makes them equal and perfect for each other. However, if you talk to some muslims you would think God assigned women to the house and everything in it and the man wasn't allowed to help LOL
ReplyDeleteROTFL - YES! Wash board abs should totally be a requirement! I know he goes to the gym so they have to be pretty descent LOL Honestly, I think all men would rather we live our lives in langerie, luckily that is not a requirement :) He is really realistic about everything so I don't worry too much. It is more if I did not marry him that I would worry. Muslim men have very high expectations of their wives. Not that the women dont have high expectations of their men, they do. Just different kind of expectations (aka financial expectations).
I don't know, but the supposedly "not Muslim" guy I was dating expected me to be mindlessly obedient to his every whim and have no thoughts or opinions of my own. He complained that I thought too much and read too much. *eye roll*
ReplyDeleteI'd recommend that you sit down and talk with him about your expectations of each other in your current and possible future roles in your relationship.
Heather: Your guy sounds like Gaston from "Beauty and the Beast". In the movie he was all, "It's not good for a woman to read so much. Pretty soon she'll start getting ideas and thinking and, ugh" to Belle.
ReplyDeleteI think in some cultures they just expect the women to have X roles and the men to have Y roles. Even among Syrians, it's not really 'normal' for women to work once they are married and have children. Some do, but I'd say the norm is the traditional role.
ReplyDeleteI've read Muslim blogs where the women say how they can stay home and their men have to provide for them. Like Islamically they should not be expected to contribute financially to the household. I agree with Amber that it just varies from house to house. The main thing is to talk about these expectations BEFORE you marry. I LOVE that his mom told him he will have to learn to do some things if he expects to marry an American girl. Haaaaaa!
My Syrian friend told me they used to tell them not to marry a western woman because they won't do __________ for them like an Arab woman would. :)
Oh, I hate ironing too!! Glad I'm not the only one.
He and I have talked at length over our expectations and we are very much good to go. We have the duties and the finances figured out. I only worry if I didnt marry him and I was muslim O_O
ReplyDeleteHeather: Yeah there are a few of those in EVERY culture and religion. I think thats just a flaw in men in general :)
Sarah: Yes technically by Islamic law the woman does not have to work. She can choose to work and if she does she can use the money for whatever she likes. The man must provide all the financial support for the household. This can be broken if husband and wife come to another agreement (aka husband is in grad school so wife has to pay for things). Technically I don't think a muslim man is suppose to marry unless he can support a wife but I guess if the woman is cool with being the bread winner then its fine. Thats how we would be for a couple of years. Stupid Grad School ;)
LK - in authority??? Says who??? What about the authority wives have over their husbands' very bodies - the same one that husbands have over their wives'? Oops, forgot, that's not in the Qur'an, it's in the Bible...
ReplyDeleteKrystalKitty - Read your justification of why women should stay at home and not work. It sounds like a work of satire...
Caraboska: Actually the Qur'an says they are equal. There are hadiths that contradict it and cultures that contradict it that many muslim men have become quite fond of. This is a question more of cultural expectations. An American muslim man will not expect the same from his wife as a Pakistani man would. That is not the religion, that is a cultural difference. I was wondering if it was somewhere in the religion but it is in fact not. My mistake was saying muslim men when in fact that is not my concern. Turns out, my concern is the expectations of middle eastern men. Thank God, My Love is very much of the American midset :)
ReplyDeleteI am pretty lazy (SoubhanAlla, partly to do w/ depression) and Alhamdulillah DH does most of the cooking and cleaning. I will cook something if I am really in the mood. ALso, I don't know how to cook and I have all these recipes books I want to use but tey all call for special equipment like dutch oven's and stock pot's and food processors and hubby hates it when I buy that stuff and will complain (even tho' I always tell him U NEED these basic things to cook) (well the stock-pot is more for moroccan food b/c we don't have a tajine). Yes, he is from a Muslim country and sometimes complains that he feels like a woman, doing woman's job's, but I am hoping to make him a little more liberal;)
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to cook, so, thsanfully hubby does 98% of it (yes, he is from a muslim country and grew up w/ is mom and aunts waiting on him hand and foot) he had to teach himself to cook when e moved to USA as a student). I will sometimes make tea and coffee for him, either if I am gonna ave some or if he asks. I never think to offer it;(
ReplyDelete