A few changes

Well here is the big news:

I'm moving. To the big city near where my parents live and my birth place.

And you wonder: how did you come to that conclusion?

Well, I'm tired of this city, not doing too much. I don't have a lot of friends here and if I want to continue to study religions I can easily do so in this new city. Plus my family needs some help and I miss my friends.

And then of course the obvious: My Love and I have decided not to marry. All is still good Thank God but we have realized we would not make the best pair. I cannot be the type of Muslim he needs. I'm not even sure if I can be a Muslim, that will take years to know. And due to some circumstances, he does not have years to get married. Its now or never. So I choose friendship and God Willing that is the right choice for both of us.

I will continue to study, the blog will continue but it may evolve and change as I change. RTV will still go on as well. Visit the RTV blog to read about its changes HERE.

I pray for the best for both of us. And that I can learn how to drive again. I'm so terrified of driving. Really, its ridiculous. But that is another post.

Salaam.

Even Angels Ask: How Did You Become Muslim?

Pg 143

Perhaps the simplest and truest statement we can offer is this: At one special moment of our lives - a moment that we could never have foreseen when we were younger - God, in His infinite knowledge and kindness, had mercy on us. Maybe he saw in us a need so great, a pain so deep, or an emptiness so vast. An maybe, He also saw in us a readiness. However, He made it come to be, to Him we are eternally thankful. Truly, all praise and thanks belong to God.

I think this can go for anyone who finds their religion or converts to another. For anyone that finds their way. Subhannallah!

The Mustard Yellow Dress

I handed over my favorite dress to a friend today for a formal event. Its mustard yellow silk with a slight sheen. It comes just below the knee cut in a style similar to what Joan on Mad Men often wears; timeless, beautiful, and elegant. And as I handed this dress over to my very excited friend I realized something:

I will never get to wear this dress again if I become a muslim.

The shock hit me like a ton of bricks. I won't wear this dress again. This gorgous, modest by American standards dress. This dress I love. I realized there were a few other skirts that come just below the knee and other dresses I also won't be able to wear because Islam does not consider tights to be proper lower leg covering. I realized that many of my gorgous, modest long semi-formal dresses will never be worn without a cardigan over them. That the beautiful details at the neck and shoulders, the parts that make the dress, will never be seen. My heart sank when I realized that my choice will be taken away from me. Right now, modesty is a choice. But as a muslim, its an obligation. And I wonder if, as an obligation, it will eventually become a burden. A bitter, unhappy burden. All because it is no longer my choice.

In "Even Angels Ask" Jeffery Lang talks about how much more difficult converting to Islam is for women mostly due to two factors: foreign cultural standards in the Islamic community and the drastic physical changes a muslim woman convert has to make. He mentions that the Islamic community should lighten up so to speak when involving female converts. That they should be sympathetic when she cannot wear the veil or feels the need to wear tights so she can put on her favorite skirt that is only a few inches too short. He emphasizes the need for understanding, support and balance all of which are not present for converts in the majority of muslim communities. THANK GOD the community I am in is so supportive. Insha'Allah I will get the opportunity to thank them when I give a speech in the coming months.

So what I wonder from any of you is: Did modesty become a burden once it became an obligation?

I Watch the News=I Know More than You Do

I watch the news. The news says that all muslims are terrorists. That they want to kill all the Christians and the Jews. That they believe women should be owned by men. That all women wear big black dresses and scarves. It is a hate filled religion.

What is that you say daughter who has studied Islam for 2 years and has many muslim friends? They are not terrorists? That most want peace and do not hate others? That it is only a small group who most muslims do not even consider muslim? That, in reality, the muslims just want to be left alone?

I am sorry daughter but I watch the news and read the Internet. I know more than you who has studied and read the Qur'an. Who takes classes and hangs out with muslims. I know Muhammad was an evil man, that women are abused, and that Islam is all about hate. You should believe me that Islam is evil. I am right because I am your mother, no matter what you say you will be wrong.

Yes this is a dramatization.

Seriously can we get a device that can block these things from our parents? It would be really helpful......

Shorts and Arranged Marriage

so its summer today and of course the drastic weather change made me ill. Which is not good since Sis came over to check out some clothes. We are the same size so I told her I would share with her my fashion wisdom lol.

So I told my mom she was coming over and this is how that conversation went:

Mom: I thought she wore a veil?

Me: Yeah she does.

Mom: Then how can she wear any of your clothes?

Me: She can wear normal clothes as long as they are modest. Like tunics or long shirts. She wears T-shirts and stuff. Just with a scarf.

Mom: That's weird. I thought she had to wear one of those black dress things.

Me: No one I know wears one of those. No she wears normal clothes.

Mom: Can she wear shorts?

Me: Um no, you can't show your legs.

Mom: That's ridiculous! How are shorts not modest?!

Me: I don't like shorts so I really don't care if you can wear them or not.

Mom: Ok, well have fun bye.

So this tells me a couple of things:

1) Mom still gets all her Islamic info from the news.

2) She thinks all muslim women who wear scarves also wear abayas even though I told her many times his sister wears normal clothes and mother wears shalwar kameez.

3) She has not read the copy of "Daughters of Another Path" that I left for her.

4) I am going to have more issues with this than I thought considering she got mad at me over shorts.

On top of that, I learned more about Pakistani Islamic culture. Although they are moving away from arranged marriages, it is still considered very bad to even know the person before you marry. Which seems silly because you should at least have a clue about someone before you marry them! My Love's parents were arranged and they do ok. Sis does not want that at all and they have agreed to not make their children have arranged marriages but once their child gets engaged thats it: they are getting married whether they are compatible or not. Now that seems really counter productive. If you find in the "getting to know you" process you are not compatible then you shouldn't get married. Or you will get divorced! Is crazy I tell you.

Scholars encourage you to get to know a potential spouse before marriage to avoid divorce and encourage you to be friends with your spouse. Muhammad was friends first with Khadijah before they married. Wouldn't you want to follow in the footsteps of the prophet? I would think so.

Cultures do not make sense sometimes....I know mine sure doesn't....this one doesn't either....

Bleh

Would I Believe In Jesus If I Wasn't Born Christian

I've been thinking a lot about this the past few days. Would I believe in Jesus and his gospels if I was not born Christian. I'm not sure to be honest. I think Jesus would be really hard to get to know from the outside. The more historical information I read the less likely the Bible even seems possible. The more it becomes a brilliant work of myth. If I wasn't born Christian would I believe Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, walked on water, and rose again. Most likely no. I would severely question this. Especially when you find out how far after Jesus' death the gospels were written. These people didn't even know him! The information is no more credible than a game of telephone.

So knowing this why do I still believe that the Gospels hold truth? Why do I still believe that Lazarus was raised, Jesus walked on water, and rose. A lot of it is these stories are engrained into my head. Another is the Qur'an re-confirms how special Jesus was. And there is a beautiful message in the Gospels. I do think that somehow they are divinely inspired. And the other reason is this: Does it harm anyone to believe the Gospels are true? No. It only does good. So I believe that the stories hold truth even if their truth only lies in their message, their "myth" as Aslan would say.

So then my ajoining question is: Do you need to grow up Muslim to believe in Muhammad? Muhammad may not have been so fantastical, "magical" as Jesus so you don't have to try to wrap your head around those concepts. But Muhammad was more human which becomes equally confusing. He did questionable things (raids, lead war). Most of his questionable actions had a valid reason but it still seems odd for a prophet. Now, we don't know much about the the ruling prophets (David, Solomon, Joseph) so we can't be sure that they weren't very similar in their behavior. I think he was a good man with great intentions but there are just some things I struggle with. And I worry that I will never get past them because I was not born believing he was a prophet. I'm still working on developing my relationship with Muhammad. I'm working on understanding him and the message he brought. I love his message, I believe in The Qur'an, but I'm still unsure about its messenger. Sometimes I think Muhammad's sole purpose was to bring us the Qur'an. He wasn't suppose to really do anything else which may account for his very human attributes. But I don't know. I need more time to get to know him. I need more books. I have read Aslan's No god but God, Ramadan's Messenger, and I have Armstrong's Muhammad. Anyone recommend one more?

Peace be upon all the prophets who came with God's message whether we know of you or do not.

I'm starting to Identify Myself as a Muslim

Its weird, but its true. And I have no right to do so. Islam is starting to become a part of me, of my identity. Bad part is I'm not ready for that. I have too many big issues, I can't possibly make a decision. But there it is and its now part of me.

Christianity never became a part of my identity so to speak. Monotheism did and yes because Christianity is part of my culture it became a part of me. But when people would ask me what religion I was I would say "I'm Catholic by association". Because I never felt I was actually Catholic due to the major issues I have with the Christian religion.

So it seems odd to me despite my issues with Islam, which are currently major ones, I am feeling grounded by the religion. I am feeling a foundation under my feet that i have never had before. Its like the tree is taking root but its still winter so the tree may die before it can truly take hold.

Maybe its because through Islam I have fulfilled so many needs, even beyond religion. Yes it agrees with a lot of my personal views on religion which is what attracted me to it in the first place. Its given me a form of prayer I love. But its also given me a group of women I actually get along with. Its given me the chance to maybe have that female group of friends most have in their lifetime (I never did). Its given me a community to belong to, a place where I feel like I belong. It feeds my need for philosophical study and knowledge. It allows me to have a man who is both wonderful and religious. It allows me to be myself and not struggle so hard to fit in. Yes, I struggle more to fit in with everyday American society than I do the muslims.

But can you base a religious choice on these things? Not really because you still need to agree with the main parts of the religion. And right now, I have a few things to figure out.

But I think of what my life would be like if I said no to Islam and I shutter. It would be pretty bleak. The only good part is I would be able to continue to live my life without people being prejudice against me and my parents won't get mad at me. That is about it. I loose my foundation, my footing. It all goes away and I return to square one floating around trying to find something that fits. Let me tell you that is not a pretty existence.

I never ask this but a can I get a little prayer over here? A little du'a for me? I'm so confused and I'm so tired of being confused. I keep saying "Please, please God just tell me the answer. I can't do this forever." But God has not yet chosen to give me an answer. I just hope that i can hang on until He does.

Patience, Patience....

Prayer Rug :)

My Love said he had a surprise for me so he dropped by today. And guess what it was?

PRAYER RUG!

I had been praying on a fleece blanket. Which is comfy sure but a little slippery when you try to get up from sitting or sujood. I almost fell once O_O. His family happened to have an extra one so he gave it to me along with a turbah

Interjection:

A turbah is piece of clay from Karbala that Shias prostrate on. It is to remind one that as we came from the earth, we shall return to it. Also, it is to make sure one is prostrating on pure, clean earth and to a Shia no earth can be purer than that of battlefield of Karbala. It is also in remembrance of Muhammad and the Ahlul Bayt and Imam Husayn. For more info please visit: Why Do Shias Prostrate on Turbah?

Anywho I am so happy!!!!! It will be so nice to be able to use a rug. And its blue my fav color wooo! Too bad I have to wait 4 more days to use it. I just learned the Adhan too. Figures....

Salaam

Selection From : The Messenger

Tariq Ramadan's "The Messenger" pg 65 paragraph 2

The Prophet of course knew that God alone has the power to guide hearts. For some individuals, conversion was a long process that required years of questioning, doubt, and steps forward and backward, while for others conversion was instantaneous, immediately following the reading of a text or responding to a particular gesture or behavior. This cannot be explained. The conversions that took longest were not necessarily the most solid, and the reverse was not true either:

when it comes to conversion, the heart's dispositions, faith, and love, there is no logic, and all that remains is the extraordinary power of the divine.

Sorry for The Crazy

Hi all.

Sorry I've been a bit a snippy. And those that posted on the deleted post didn't really say anything wrong, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I was more upset with people in my non-blog life :)

I've been using my blog to heavily vent the last week or so. Parcially in an effort to not lash out at a certain young man I love. Partcially in an effort to not kill my friends for saying "Well he should be willing to do xyz because you are doing all this for him." (IM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM!) Things are really tough right now because I am dealing with some make it or break it issues both for my religion and my relationship.

And I'm terrified of ever having to go back to square one. Both on the religion point and the relationship. And every time I run into something that could make me do that, I get horribly frustrated and a little depressed.

Thank God I now have a blog to take it out on and not him. Just know that I'm not being angry with all of YOU , I'm just venting on the blog. Perhaps I should label them as venting so you all know I'm not mad at ya :)

Thank you for the support.

Found My Issue

We all run into an issue at some point that could make or break a choice. I think I found mine and its a doosey.

I'm not sure I will be able to believe that the Qur'an we have today is 100% the word of God.

Now, its not that I have any big issues with the Qur'an. I really don't, I find it beautiful and moving. But I come from a Christian background. The Bible has been severely messed with over time, the Torah got messed with a bit too. Its hard for me to believe that someone didn't sneak something in their while it was being written down. I know a lot of procausions were made to make sure the Qur'an stayed as authentic as possible (such as Muhammad having multiple scribes who would write down the same passage and cross check). But people are corrupt, its that simple. If what has happened over time to the Bible could happen, I can see easily how something could have gotten slipped into the Qur'an while it was being written down the first time. Bad part is I expect there to be something that does not belong.

Obviously this is a HUGE issue. Muslims have to believe the Qur'an is 100% the word of God. It might as well be one of the fundamentals. I do believe it is a Holy Book inspired by God, just don't know if every word is God's word. Maybe my issue is I can only read translations. Maybe if I could read and understand Arabic I would feel differently. But I'm stuck with translations who's writers add their own two cents every line or so in parenthesis that drive me crazy.

So I have no idea what to do now except keep reading it and hope for the best. 2 years of studying may be lost all to my simple inability to believe in perfection. My peace and joy found in Islam will have to be lost because I cannot convert with this issue over my head.

Time to end this post before I start thinking of all the things and the person I would loose.

Edit: I have been reading Tariq Ramadan's "Messenger" and he too states that the prophet had scribes who wrote down the Qur'an as he revealed it. On top of that he had his companions memorize it in case there were any discrepancy. This means Muhammad was directly involved in the order of the Qur'an and the written word. I have to marvel at the effort put in by Muhammad (as) to keep the book in tact.

The School Issue

I just read another post bashing Shias, calling Shiism shirk. I know you all are sick of seeing a post on this whenever I read a bashing but I have to get it out or it bothers me all day and then I drive My Love crazy with it later. I'm just getting out my thoughts. Everytime I read one it reminds me that I have yet another problem if I choose to be muslim: I will not only have issues with non muslims but with muslims as well. Double the prejudice YAY!

People ask me all the time why Shia, why not Sunni? of course I'll be honest: My Love is Shia so that is what I grew to know. However, a lot of it is a feeling and personally I'd love to be neither and just be muslim. But it really doesn't work that way. I can't fully explain why it makes sense to me, it just does. I do think Imam Ali would have been the appropriate successor. Abu Bakr was like a politician, I do not have an understanding as to what made him qualified to continue the religion. The caliphs actually remind me of Popes (I have a huge issue with the concept of a Pope). And the mess that came after him due to his sucessors was quite difficult to repair. Perhaps it is because I come from a Catholic background. The Imams work exactly like saints, they can interceed for you with God. Now I'm not a big fan of this but at least I understand it. Jesus also had 12 apostles, there are 12 Imams. Jesus left successors to take over his teachings so why wouldn't Muhammad? It just makes sense to me. Also, some of the things I identify with, sayings that have truly touched me, have come from the Imams. So much wonderful knowledge in Najhul Balagha (dispite its couple issues of fabrication) and the Pslams of Islam by Imam Zayn ul Abedeen. Beautiful books so full of knowledge.

Of course I have issues with it too. Some Shia scholars advocate for the return of temporary marriage which I highly disagree with. Some get too into Imam Ali and Imam Husayn, forgetting who the prophet actually is. And I'm not 100% how I feel about Imam Madhi being the one who comes on the Day of Judgement. I need to learn more about him.

I'm no scholar, I don't know the inner workings of either school. All I know is that when I run into an issue its usually from a hadith out of Sahih Muslim. Not that Sahih Muslim is all around a bad book, I plan on reading it myself. It has lots of great hadiths too, I just don't understand how these hadiths work. Hadiths from so many different people. But I don't understand hadith in general so I guess that doesn't help either.

Although I do think all Shias should read at least an abridged version of Sahih Muslim and all Sunnis should read the Pslams of Islam. Maybe we'd gain a little more respect for each other.

Sigh, just one more thing to worry about.

That Hazy Cloud

Do you ever get the feeling your brain is stuck in a confused, hazy cloud? This happens to me a lot. Funny enough, I didn't have it when I was home for a week. Things were very clear to me. I felt grounded and at peace pretty sure of what I needed to do. Now the fog is back. Now I am questioning what I need to be closer to God, questioning what Islam asks of me, and not feeling a whole lot like doing my prayers. Why you may ask does this happen? I have a theory:

Reading too much stuff ends up causing too much confusion.

I didn't get to read any of my religious books while I was home nor did I get to read blogs. All I read was Sophie Kinsella and some young adult literature. I simply was left alone with my personal thoughts and feelings toward religion. I was aware of my couple issues but I did not dwell on them nor did I create new ones. I was at peace with my spiritual identity and my relationship with God. Going to church even solidified it when I couldn't agree with most of what the priest was praying, since Jesus was always God. It was like I was being told "You know what you believe, now claim it". Things were so right in my face, so very clear. Now, only fog.

This may be because I had no new knowledge coming in to create a conflict. And I was also constantly busy so I didn't have time to think about religion, only time to feel. It Then makes me wonder what is best: Stop looking for new information everywhere or continue to obtain more knowledge even if it causes great confusion. Its a hard pill to swallow. My brain right now is stuck in that fog, I know I still haven't done Dhur and Asr but I can't get myself up to do it yet even though I know its good for me. I know praying makes me feel better but my brain feels like its being tugged in two directions and I can't focus enough to get started. I'm really tired of this constant struggling with what I need for myself in religion. Every time I get close to making a choice I stumble upon new information that makes me unsure. So then I regress. I go back to the confused, somewhat depressing fog until I've come up with a satisfying solution.

Religious Limbo sucks. I want out and every time I see a light at the end of the tunnel something stops me from going toward it.

The conclusion to the post "What Makes A Religion Right For Someone" should be up soon...even though I still don't have an answer for myself.

The Halal Meat Only Train

Its about time that I begin looking into hopping on the halal meat train. Problem is that significantly hurts my food availability. You see, I have an opposite problem of most : I weigh too little (dodges random objects being thrown at her). In fact I have to gain weight (Hides in a fox hole). When I try to eat halal I tend to turn to vegetarian food. Vegetarian food is really low in fat and consequentially I have lost weight. This issue is also the other reason I can't fast. I would loose too much weight during Ramadan.

I need to find a balance between eating halal and staying at an appropriate weight but I'm not sure how to do it. I have thought about adopting the protein shake again but there is a good chance that those may not be vegetarian, I'd have to read the ingredients. However, they work like a charm to keep my weight where it needs to be. That extra protein is all I need!

Other issue is I eat too much cheese and pasta now which isn't getting me what I need. I no longer can eat frozen chicken strips and other frozen food items because they are not halal. I don't want to cook a full meal when I get home so I end up with cheese pizza. Not very filling or nutritional. I try to cook enough on the weekends to last the week but it doesn't always work out.

Any suggestions? I'd like to start this full time but I just don't know the best way to do so.

Parental Awkwardness

My mother is now mad at me and I have no idea why. She found the books I left for her which might have something to do with it. We were so busy I didn't even get to mention them. I left her Remember Me? By Sophie Kinsella, Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity, and Daughters of Another Path. I take it she is mad about Daughters. She asked me about the books this morning on the phone and I said I left them for her. She sounded so hurt and angry but I have no idea why. Later, she found an unopened present in my stocking and said that maybe I forgot it because it was too much Christmas for me. I just don't understand this kind of behavior. My choice my life. I now completely understand why a lot of people never tell their parents they have converted. Its too much strain on the parents and the convert. Maybe it is better if they never know for sure. I'm starting to lean toward that view. My mom is going through so much right now. My grandmother is sick and won't see a doctor. She lives 3 hours from my parents and my mom has to go back and forth because my grandmother refuses to move in with them even though she can't take care of herself. My mother's brother died half a year ago so now mom is the soul caretaker of my grandmother plus she is dealing with no longer having her brother. She feels all her family has died (once my grandmother passes she will have no living blood relatives outside of me, my brother, and my dad). Add also that my mother is ill with an odd kidney disease that the doctors don't know how to treat. She is dealing with her own mortality for the first time in her life, she can't handle me wanting to be a different religion. She needs Christianity more now than ever she can't cope with the fact that her daughter wants something else. I have to keep my mouth shut for her sanity. Although she needs to see a psychologist. I will pray that God lessen her pain and stress.

I think I need to see a psychologist myself. I can't handle the strain on my own anymore. Its too much. But I don't think their are psychologists that specialize in identity crisis and religion. Le Sigh.

May God help me.

Muharram Lecture 12/20/09

I made it to the lecture tonight thanks to My Love's family giving me a ride. I ended up riding over with just him, his father, and brother. His mother went over early for the women's lecture (that I didn't know about!) and his sister was at work. Only one thing can discribe sitting in the car with My Love and his dad waiting for his brother.

awkward

I get really shy in front of My Love when his family is present. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever (It was probably 5 minutes) waiting for his brother. His brother hopped in the car and said

"Oh hi, how you doing?"

To which his father lectured him on how I got in the car and said "salaam aleikum" and he said "how you doing" and how he could learn from me to greet more properly. His dad cracks me up :)

We get there and they are in formation about to start Maghrib and Isha. I don't want to interupt so I sit to the side instead of joining in. Everyone was in prayer garments and I didn't understand why until prayer ended and I saw what people were wearing. What is up with this mosque!? Most of the women did not have scarves on, many of the young ones in fitted clothing. I don't know why this bothers me but it does. You know you are going to go to the mosque at least put a scarf on and leave it there! Oh well, Insha'Allah they will learn proper mosque edicate eventually.

So I sat down before they started the first cycle of Muharram prayers (I know they have an actual name but I don't remember what it is) and accidentally sat right next to My Love's mother. She was actually pretty excited to see me, even hugged me. Mash'Allah My Love has such a lovely mother. Isha'Allah she will still like me when he proposes.

Our speaker came from Britan and first talked about the importance of knowledge and how we must strive to gain it. How Islam is based on aquiring knowledge and about rational thought. That we as human beings have the gift of being able to comtemplate and we should use it frequently. He then told the story of Yusuf (Joseph) and how Yusuf strove against harsh oppositions to serve God. Especially how Yusuf was able to resist the temptations of Zaliha and the women, holding true to his beliefs.

He then segwayed to the story of Muhammad's journey into Hell with Jibreel. I wasn't entirely sure how this fit since he quite abruptly began to talk about punishment. I sort of got turned off by his talk when he mentioned the hadith of the women being hung by their hair and the people by their ears. The hair represents those who do not wear hijab and the ears those who listen to music. Um yeah, don't agree. Aparently a lot shared my sentiment for their were many women rolling their eyes at his interpretation. I always thought they meant the women who do not observe hijab (Modesty and self respect) and those who do not listen to the teachings of the prophets. But hey, I'm no Sheikh what do I know.

He turned it around by going back to knowledge and talking of the strives of the people at Karbala. How Hoor struggled to do the right thing and join Imam Hussein, knowing he would die in the process. And about br. Abbas who went to great lengths to get water for the thirsting children.

Then we went into the recitations for this day of Muharram. They did the recitations first in arabic then in english. However, I have learned that you do not necessarily need to be able to understand arabic to understand what is being said. I knew what was going on, what they were talking about because I knew the story of Karbala. And I stood, taping my chest as they do, and watched the women. These women, all silent even the littlest ones, moved by the speeches given by these brothers. Some moved to tears, I was almost moved to tears but feel I do not have the right to cry since I am not muslim. These women felt so deeply for their brother in Islam, so saddened for the horrible trial he and his family faced. Imam Hussein isn't even a prophet but because he saved Islam from corruption and suffered greatly they morn for him. It was so beautiful. Its what Good Friday and all of Lent should be like for Christians, yet I've never seen a Christian cry in the church. I've gotten a little teary but that is not the norm. Here, it is normal to cry and these women truly feel such sorrow. This devotion, this belief, is so intensely moving and beautiful. I understand now why My Love says that Ashura would be too much for me.

Something else happened tonight. I'm not sure what it was. I was listening to the prayers, can't remember exactly what recitation, and I began to thank God for how easy he has made this for me. That I have the resources I have, a man who loves me, and he has a kind family. And I felt like something hit me in the head so to speak. Like a light bulb going off. A moment of clarity. Something clicked and in my head I went "I think this is it. Islam may be exactly what I need." And a peace rolled over me for a few minutes. I wanted to cry but I didn't. It was over very quickly I have no idea what that was. I had a migraine all night and it was the only moment when it stopped. I don't know what to do with this, but I do know i need to speak to my mother when I am home. It may be my last chance before I make up my mind.

Happy Thoughts: Things I would do if I were Muslim

I've been a Negetive Nancy recently so I'm going to post some good things I'd like to do if I were muslim or from my experience. I actually feel in the long run I could probably do a lot of good for the muslim community and strengthen a positive image of muslims. And yes, some of these are kinda silly :)

1) Write a book. I plan to do this regardless of my decision. I want to write about my experience to show people what Islam is really like. In the end, it should be a positive influence regardless of my decision. This blog is actually my notes for the book along with a diary for the more personal notes.

2) An all girl's prom. Muslimah's deserve to go to prom and I would like to give them one. So far, they do not really do these in the US. I plan to change that. It is a rite of passage in the west, American muslimahs should get to have it.

4) Recitation "concert" for girls. Girls rarely get to show off their recitation talents because a lot of mosques will not allow them to recite during prayer (some think this is inappropriate. I say "what do you think will happen? The men will hear a female voice and storm the partition?) Instead, I would like to have a recitation competition or concert to showcase their talents for their parents. I think it would be lovely and encourage the girls to learn recitation. The recitation classes (3 of them) only have 2 girls total at my school. Not acceptable in my book.

5) Hijab fashion class. The women at my school and the girls are quite taken with my hijab appropriate fashion. I would love to show the teens that they can have fun with hijab, wear clothes similar to all their friends, and still be appropriate. I think this would boost morale in the teens, as it is hard enough to be a teenager let alone one that has to wear a scarf.

6) Convert counselor/marriage counselor. I would love to help other converts in their struggle with Islam both people trying to figure out if Islam is right for them and those who have chosen it but are having issues. I'd also like to help converts and their husbands/wives blend their cultural differences and families together.

7) Do a "giving tree" during Ramadan: like during Christmas, I would love to organize a "giving tree" of sorts where each person can pick a child or adult from a shelter and buy the things they need on their list. Definately in the spirit of Ramadan.

8) Teach. Eventually I would like to teach something at the school. What exactly, Im not sure.

That's all for now. If I think of anything else I'll add it. Looking at this makes me happy and makes me want to be muslim. Feeling better now :) Masha'Allah

What Do I Say...

I go home in a little over a week for Christmas. I am already anxious about having another talk with my parents. I know that I most likely will, and should, speak to at least my mother again on the subject. I want to take a different approach than what it seems most people did. I want to keep my parents in the loop on my progress. I so badly just want to be honest with them. I feel that giving them information a little at a time is going to be much better in the long run then coming home one day and going "hi I'm a muslim now!". Yes, giving them information over time and having multiple discussions is harder on me but in the end I think it will help to preserve our relationship.

Did I ever speak about how I told them of my interest initially? They had just met My Love, he came to a wedding with us and then my parents stayed in the city for a few days to visit. It had been their anniversary and I wrote them a letter thanking them for being so kind to My Love and for not shunning him because of his religion. For being accepting and for allowing me to explore. Yes, this did result in my mother freaking out but it opened up a dialogue. It also lead to me meeting his parents (not having met his parents was the one thing both my parents had issues with).

This has lead to a couple uncomfortable discussions with my mother but I truly feel honesty is the best policy. I want to sit her down and say:

"Mom, I know you are unhappy with my interest in being muslim. I'm sorry it hurts you. This truly does not have anything to do with me getting married. I just want what is best for me and this might be it. This does not mean I have anything against Christianity, Christianity is great. Its just not for me. I have more studying to do and I am working on that. I have a few things I still need to figure out but I want to be honest with you and say I am considering converting. This has nothing to do with being against you or Christianity, its just about me and God. I don't want to hurt you or Dad, I don't want to make things difficult for you. I will do my best to find a way to make things as easy for you as possible. I am sorry, I wish this could only be hard on me. Please just try to accept this and work with me on it instead of against me. I don't want to loose you over this."

I don't know what to do. I so desperately want it out in the open. I'm so tired of lying, both to my parents and his. I have to be one person with my parents, another with his parents. One person with my non muslim friends, and another with my muslim friends. I want to be myself, always. Not just when it is convenient for everyone else. Right now, the main thing holding me back is a fear that I could loose my parents. If I can lessen that fear I will be able to think more clearly.

My God help me. May God make it easy for me. I thank God for the ease he has given me. May God lessen the burden on my parents and help them find a way to understand. May God accept my plea to be closer to him and to find my way.

May God help us all in our journey.

Amen

A little Confusion

I've been a bit confused lately and it seems to be confusing all of you as well. I've been getting quite a few messages asking me if I've become muslim. The answer is I have not. I did go back and look at my last few posts and can totally see where everyone is getting this. They sure sound like I have become muslim. I am stuck in this weird middle ground at the moment. Not Christian, not a muslim. I more often say "we do this" in reference to Islam and "They do this" in reference to Christianity. I have also been doing a lot of "if I am muslim" senrios. I've just been thinking a lot about it and all has been going so well. Allah has made this so far easy for me. I have been able to have a dialogue with my family who says they won't disown me, I have a loving man to teach me and support me, a school to learn from with wonderful helpful people, and many mosques nearby. Halaal food is easily accessable, muslims are common in my area, and modest clothing can be found. My studies have been mostly productive in a good sense, with very few disagreements. I am actually waiting for something terrible to happen. It seems so off balance, all these good things.

I finally feel like after 10 years of looking I am on the right track. I am so excited about that. I have looked so long for peace and understanding in religion. I now stand on the brink of finding an answer which is both exciting and terrifying. I never expected to find anything. Now every day I get closer to Allah and my answers.

Isha'Allah Allah will make it easy for me. I am waiting for a revelation so to speak. I just know that one day, I will know without a doubt what to do. Then I will make plans for what to do next. I just know that right now is not the right time. Not for me, My Love, or my family. There is much still to do. I have to finish the Qur'an, learn to pray, and learn to at least pronounce Arabic. I can't even say the Shahada properly. I'm pretty sure I should wait till I can say it! My family also has to have more time to get use to the idea and My Love needs a little time to figure out what he wants to do if I do become muslim. We need to be careful about the engagement so people do not think I became muslim just to marry him. All needs to be handled in a delicate manner.

I want to thank everyone for all the support you have given me and continue to give me.

Salaam