What Happened

I am going to tell the tale because I feel it needs to be told. I have seen too many bright young women end up in my shoes. I want this blog to be an example. Learn the lesson I learned. Some relationships between people of different religions and different cultures work. But if you are expected to change your religion, to change yourself that relationship is going to fall apart. You may love them, but love alone does not a marriage make.

I realized it when My Former Love and I were having another discussion about hijab. This was probably two months ago. We've had this conversation a thousand times in the last 1.5 years. I told him flat out I did not want to wear the scarf. He said a wife of his must wear the scarf otherwise she will not be properly respected. She will not be seen as a good Muslim. The fury began to boil in me and I as I stared at him I realized why: He had no right to ask me of that.

If he were orthodox in his behavior, I could understand the request. But he is not. He wants to date just like any other American, interact with women, wear tight shirts, go to haram events, avoid going to the mosque, and listen to music. He bends rules when its convienent for him. Doesn't make him a disbeliever, but it sure makes him unorthodox. Yet he wants to marry an orthodox woman who wears traditional hijab, goes to the mosque, looks good in front of the community and his family and is an overall pious Muslim lady.

See the problem? He didn't want to change, but he expected me to change everything. He also expected me to do a 180 once married which is basically impossible.

Problem two was his family. They want him to only marry a Pakistani. He never once in 1.5 years told them about me as his girlfriend. He is too afraid of them. He would have backed off in a second if they had said no to the white American. He did not want to stand up for me. Fear of parents and in laws who hate you for your race does not a good marriage make. Plus they never would have even looked at me as a non Muslim. They would have kicked me out the door. They don't trust convert women, his family says they always let you down. Due to one experience they had. Hold grudges hard his family does.

Add the legal problems and the possibility of leaving the country and you get the whole picture in a nutshell. Now, when we started he told me all I had to do was be Muslim. Didn't say what kind and that his family could care less what my ethnicity is. I didn't have any idea about his legal status. Turned out I had to be a orthodox Shia Muslim, his family did care A LOT, and there were major legal issues a foot that I didn't learn about till over a year into the relationship. Ladies, these things should have been red flags. I was so engrossed in Islam I barely noticed them at all. He was my source of information, my hook up into the community. These issues didn't come to light until I realized there was a slim chance of me being an orthodox Muslim (or one at all). Once I knew that wasn't going to happen, I saw all the problems we were about to face. Most I was not willing to face. And I knew he would chicken out once it came to play his part with his family. It was a lost cause from the beginning.

Ladies take care. If he is of another religion proceed with caution. If his family is directly from a Muslim country or any other country with strict cultural ties proceed with caution. Ask about his family. If they are super orthodox or seem to only stick to their ethnicity be concerned. Ask if they have had any experiences with converts or Non-Muslims. Ask questions, pay attention. Ask how they got their citizenship. Ask what he expects from a wife and hope he tells you the truth right away and doesn't withhold information. Try not to let your hormones and your heart cloud your good judgement.

This is all coming from a girl who knows. Salaam everyone, this is the last real post of inkblotsblueabayas.