Parental Awkwardness

My mother is now mad at me and I have no idea why. She found the books I left for her which might have something to do with it. We were so busy I didn't even get to mention them. I left her Remember Me? By Sophie Kinsella, Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity, and Daughters of Another Path. I take it she is mad about Daughters. She asked me about the books this morning on the phone and I said I left them for her. She sounded so hurt and angry but I have no idea why. Later, she found an unopened present in my stocking and said that maybe I forgot it because it was too much Christmas for me. I just don't understand this kind of behavior. My choice my life. I now completely understand why a lot of people never tell their parents they have converted. Its too much strain on the parents and the convert. Maybe it is better if they never know for sure. I'm starting to lean toward that view. My mom is going through so much right now. My grandmother is sick and won't see a doctor. She lives 3 hours from my parents and my mom has to go back and forth because my grandmother refuses to move in with them even though she can't take care of herself. My mother's brother died half a year ago so now mom is the soul caretaker of my grandmother plus she is dealing with no longer having her brother. She feels all her family has died (once my grandmother passes she will have no living blood relatives outside of me, my brother, and my dad). Add also that my mother is ill with an odd kidney disease that the doctors don't know how to treat. She is dealing with her own mortality for the first time in her life, she can't handle me wanting to be a different religion. She needs Christianity more now than ever she can't cope with the fact that her daughter wants something else. I have to keep my mouth shut for her sanity. Although she needs to see a psychologist. I will pray that God lessen her pain and stress.

I think I need to see a psychologist myself. I can't handle the strain on my own anymore. Its too much. But I don't think their are psychologists that specialize in identity crisis and religion. Le Sigh.

May God help me.

Will There Be Another Prophet?

This is something I have thought about for a long time. Sadly, it has been really difficult to research the idea so its rather poorly developed but I thought I would open it up for discussion.

I find it difficult to believe that God won't eventually send another prophet to clean up our mess. And when I say prophet I mean a major one as there do seem to be smaller figures also sent to us by God to guide us but they are not as significant as say Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammad (Peace be upon them). An example of someone that I think was aided by God to teach us but wasn't on the "level" of these men would be Ghandi, Buddha, Martin Luther King. People who made a significant impact in the improvement of man, but not to the same level as the prophets mentioned above.

Its rather easy to accept that another Ghandi might show himself. Ghandi did not bring with him a religion or words from God or even ask for a following of people. He tried to save the people and teach the world about being a good person. I guess this is sort of like the concept of a Saint or the family of the prophet. But what if God eventually decided we've screwed up so significantly that he needs to send another prophet to show us the way? Think of it this way:

The Jews start having issues with practice. They were doing their duties but weren't living the teachings of God. Thusly, in comes Jesus to show them the way to being good people and following the path of God.

Few hundred years later the Christians start doing all sorts of things and loose sight of the teachings of Jesus, just like the Jews. In comes Muhammad to re-iterate the path that God wants for the world.

We seem to need a constant reminder of how to be good people. So for me, its rather easy to think that God may eventually send someone else to remind us before the end of the world. Could be Jesus returning at that point or it could be someone else if that person came before the final moments of our world.

But here is the other issue for me personally: Do I have to believe that Muhammad will be FOREVER the last prophet? Right now I can say yes he is but I can't with conviction say no one else will ever show up. That is putting a limit on God which I do not have the right to do.

What do you all think? Do you think eventually another prophet may come to remind us of God's message for us?

I'm Back!

Salutations and a Merry Christmas Happy New Year to all!

I survived a week at home YAY! Not much happened but I did learn a bit about myself and all the cultural/traditional blending I will have to do if I want to be muslim. And church is indeed awkward. But more on that later.

I'm a little annoyed that none of my muslim friends took the time to wish me Merry Christmas even though I took the time to email my teachers and leave notes on facebook for Eid ul Adha. I'm a little offended to be honest. Where's the return love?

I'm exhausted so I will not post about my trip at the moment. I wrote in my diary while I was away so I have some material for you all. I apologize but I simply cannot go back and read a weeks worth of new posts from everyone I watch. I may try to but if I skip yours don't feel bad :(. I also have a HUGE load of lectures to watch before school on Sunday including one that talks about the Crucifixion and another that actually says its ok for Muslims to celebrate Christmas. Within appropriate boundaries of course :).

Also, a moment of silence in remembrance of Ashura. May Allah's blessings be upon Imam Hussayn and his family, the family of the prophet and those that followed them on the day of Ashura. Ashura, btw, was Dec 27.

I'm glad to be back!

Muharram Lecture 12/20/09

I made it to the lecture tonight thanks to My Love's family giving me a ride. I ended up riding over with just him, his father, and brother. His mother went over early for the women's lecture (that I didn't know about!) and his sister was at work. Only one thing can discribe sitting in the car with My Love and his dad waiting for his brother.

awkward

I get really shy in front of My Love when his family is present. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever (It was probably 5 minutes) waiting for his brother. His brother hopped in the car and said

"Oh hi, how you doing?"

To which his father lectured him on how I got in the car and said "salaam aleikum" and he said "how you doing" and how he could learn from me to greet more properly. His dad cracks me up :)

We get there and they are in formation about to start Maghrib and Isha. I don't want to interupt so I sit to the side instead of joining in. Everyone was in prayer garments and I didn't understand why until prayer ended and I saw what people were wearing. What is up with this mosque!? Most of the women did not have scarves on, many of the young ones in fitted clothing. I don't know why this bothers me but it does. You know you are going to go to the mosque at least put a scarf on and leave it there! Oh well, Insha'Allah they will learn proper mosque edicate eventually.

So I sat down before they started the first cycle of Muharram prayers (I know they have an actual name but I don't remember what it is) and accidentally sat right next to My Love's mother. She was actually pretty excited to see me, even hugged me. Mash'Allah My Love has such a lovely mother. Isha'Allah she will still like me when he proposes.

Our speaker came from Britan and first talked about the importance of knowledge and how we must strive to gain it. How Islam is based on aquiring knowledge and about rational thought. That we as human beings have the gift of being able to comtemplate and we should use it frequently. He then told the story of Yusuf (Joseph) and how Yusuf strove against harsh oppositions to serve God. Especially how Yusuf was able to resist the temptations of Zaliha and the women, holding true to his beliefs.

He then segwayed to the story of Muhammad's journey into Hell with Jibreel. I wasn't entirely sure how this fit since he quite abruptly began to talk about punishment. I sort of got turned off by his talk when he mentioned the hadith of the women being hung by their hair and the people by their ears. The hair represents those who do not wear hijab and the ears those who listen to music. Um yeah, don't agree. Aparently a lot shared my sentiment for their were many women rolling their eyes at his interpretation. I always thought they meant the women who do not observe hijab (Modesty and self respect) and those who do not listen to the teachings of the prophets. But hey, I'm no Sheikh what do I know.

He turned it around by going back to knowledge and talking of the strives of the people at Karbala. How Hoor struggled to do the right thing and join Imam Hussein, knowing he would die in the process. And about br. Abbas who went to great lengths to get water for the thirsting children.

Then we went into the recitations for this day of Muharram. They did the recitations first in arabic then in english. However, I have learned that you do not necessarily need to be able to understand arabic to understand what is being said. I knew what was going on, what they were talking about because I knew the story of Karbala. And I stood, taping my chest as they do, and watched the women. These women, all silent even the littlest ones, moved by the speeches given by these brothers. Some moved to tears, I was almost moved to tears but feel I do not have the right to cry since I am not muslim. These women felt so deeply for their brother in Islam, so saddened for the horrible trial he and his family faced. Imam Hussein isn't even a prophet but because he saved Islam from corruption and suffered greatly they morn for him. It was so beautiful. Its what Good Friday and all of Lent should be like for Christians, yet I've never seen a Christian cry in the church. I've gotten a little teary but that is not the norm. Here, it is normal to cry and these women truly feel such sorrow. This devotion, this belief, is so intensely moving and beautiful. I understand now why My Love says that Ashura would be too much for me.

Something else happened tonight. I'm not sure what it was. I was listening to the prayers, can't remember exactly what recitation, and I began to thank God for how easy he has made this for me. That I have the resources I have, a man who loves me, and he has a kind family. And I felt like something hit me in the head so to speak. Like a light bulb going off. A moment of clarity. Something clicked and in my head I went "I think this is it. Islam may be exactly what I need." And a peace rolled over me for a few minutes. I wanted to cry but I didn't. It was over very quickly I have no idea what that was. I had a migraine all night and it was the only moment when it stopped. I don't know what to do with this, but I do know i need to speak to my mother when I am home. It may be my last chance before I make up my mind.

Islam 101: Class Cancelled :(

No classes this Sunday....sadness. But I may attend a lecture tomorrow on Muharram if it doesn't get cancelled too.

Stupid snow.

On another note I started reading "Jesus: Prophet of Islam" today. Fascinating, I already recommend it and I'm only a chapter in. The author spent most of his career gathering research so he could right this book. Its amazing, recommended for both Muslims and Christians.

Guess I will try to finish more of the Qur'an....and work on developing my post using the data from my previous post "What Makes A Religion Right For Someone?" But I need more data so I'll probably just leave it for now.

Sad face I wanted to go to class.

What Makes a Religion Right For Someone?

This is essentially what I am trying to figure out: What makes a religion the "right" religion for an individual?

I honestly don't know but I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm rather puzzled on the subject myself. I can't even begin to answer this. I will explain what my issue is once I've heard your thoughts. I don't want to sway opinions because I am really interested in reading what you think.

After collecting the "data" I'll make a post about it. Could be interesting :)

Salaam

Women and Recitation

I've been thinking a lot about why you rarely hear a woman recite. I personally think its a shame because a woman reciting is truly beautiful. I'm not a big fan of the lack of support for female participation in congressional prayer which is probably most of it. I totally get why we can lead a mixed group in prayer because we'd be wiggling our bums in front of all the men and that is just not quite kosher :). But I'm not sure I see the issue with being heard reciting from the Qur'an or doing Du'a. I can kinda see an issue with the adhan because it is very loud and to be frank female voices don't carry quite as well as male voices. But du'a, even in congressional prayer, is done at a normal speaking level and I really see no issue with allowing a women to read it. Many will say its because the men will be attracted to her voice and I want to say "What do you think the men will do, storm the partition?". We need to give the men a little credit, they aren't barbaric brainless animals. They 're human, they have some self control after all. Plus I think a MAN sounding like he is singing is much more attractive to a woman than a woman's voice to man. One of the sexiest things a man can do is sing for a woman. But because we inherently have more self control we do not deserve the same treatment to lessen our burden of being attracted to men? Yeah that doesn't seem quite fair either, but its also my issue with male hijab. We may not act on our hormones like men do but that does not mean we don't want to do so.

I think communities need to encourage their girls to be more active and to learn recitation. As I mentioned before, boys get rewarded often for their recitation skills and often have whole competitions dedicated to recitation. Why not have that for the girls too? Why not let them participate. I think if one of the girls at my school asked Br. S to let them recite he would probably say yes. But out of 3 recitation classes there are only two girls both of which are very shy. Such a shame. Maybe someday I will be decent enough to give it a try Insha'Allah. I know that recitation should be done because it is inherently good but its hard to be motivated when no one is giving you encouragement.

They need to know Allah wants to hear their voices as well.

How does your community treat women reciting?

Macom X - Letter from Mecca

Sent to me by a very kind Anon. This is really beautiful. Its very short but so inspiring. Definitely in the true spirit of Islam and all religions dedicated to one God.

Subhannallah

Happy Thoughts: Things I would do if I were Muslim

I've been a Negetive Nancy recently so I'm going to post some good things I'd like to do if I were muslim or from my experience. I actually feel in the long run I could probably do a lot of good for the muslim community and strengthen a positive image of muslims. And yes, some of these are kinda silly :)

1) Write a book. I plan to do this regardless of my decision. I want to write about my experience to show people what Islam is really like. In the end, it should be a positive influence regardless of my decision. This blog is actually my notes for the book along with a diary for the more personal notes.

2) An all girl's prom. Muslimah's deserve to go to prom and I would like to give them one. So far, they do not really do these in the US. I plan to change that. It is a rite of passage in the west, American muslimahs should get to have it.

4) Recitation "concert" for girls. Girls rarely get to show off their recitation talents because a lot of mosques will not allow them to recite during prayer (some think this is inappropriate. I say "what do you think will happen? The men will hear a female voice and storm the partition?) Instead, I would like to have a recitation competition or concert to showcase their talents for their parents. I think it would be lovely and encourage the girls to learn recitation. The recitation classes (3 of them) only have 2 girls total at my school. Not acceptable in my book.

5) Hijab fashion class. The women at my school and the girls are quite taken with my hijab appropriate fashion. I would love to show the teens that they can have fun with hijab, wear clothes similar to all their friends, and still be appropriate. I think this would boost morale in the teens, as it is hard enough to be a teenager let alone one that has to wear a scarf.

6) Convert counselor/marriage counselor. I would love to help other converts in their struggle with Islam both people trying to figure out if Islam is right for them and those who have chosen it but are having issues. I'd also like to help converts and their husbands/wives blend their cultural differences and families together.

7) Do a "giving tree" during Ramadan: like during Christmas, I would love to organize a "giving tree" of sorts where each person can pick a child or adult from a shelter and buy the things they need on their list. Definately in the spirit of Ramadan.

8) Teach. Eventually I would like to teach something at the school. What exactly, Im not sure.

That's all for now. If I think of anything else I'll add it. Looking at this makes me happy and makes me want to be muslim. Feeling better now :) Masha'Allah

Gifts

*Looks at credit card bill* I am so glad Eid ul Fitr does not require gift buying like Christmas. If I had to do two holidays like Christmas I would be in the poor house.

O_O

Article: Wearing the Muslim veil in America: What it's like Wearing the Muslim veil in America

Wearing the Muslim veil in America: What it's like

Wearing the Muslim veil in America may cause awkward moments, but this hijabi finds more positive than negative in her choice. Read the rest here

Mash'Allah

Masjid Issues

Ok so I don't know how to say this is any other way so I will just say it bluntly: Why is the ummah so racist?

When I was talking to Sister N we got on the subject of all the local masjids. I mentioned that everyone was telling me to visit the big mosque a few miles away but that I wasn't really interested because the ladies section is not very nice and they don't do anything in English. I told her I really liked the masjid that is down the street from the school and she gave me this puzzled look. She said (apologies for spelling Koja wrong if I have indeed spelled it wrong):

"That masjid is Koja, they won't really want you there. They only allow Koja's in. I'm glad you had a good experience but I'm pretty sure they will give you a hard time if you go there alone."

I just starred at her and wanted to yell "Then where am I suppose to go!? Its the only mosque that does anything in English in the area!"

I then began to learn I can't go to this other mosque because its Iranian, and the Pakistani mosque probably won't want me either. Supposively, there is a convert mosque that's quite far away. Oh and the spanish mosque, they don't want me either and only do services in Spanish. Don't get me started on how all the Sunni mosques won't want me because I pray with my hands at my sides and use a little piece of earth.

So this is what I want to say to the ummah: This behavior is EXACTLY what will drive away potential converts. Churches do not have this issue for the most part. This makes me not want to be muslim. If I cannot participate without be discriminated against by my OWN RELIGION then I do not want to participate at all. I then do not want to be muslim if even muslims are going to treat me like crap. I get enough predjudice from non muslims, I do not need it from the ummah.

You all are driving people away from Islam. Stop being so stuck on your home cultures and realize that the ummah can only grow if people start to join it. This behavior is against Islam and against the wishes of Allah. May Allah guide the ummah to see the truth of their behavior.

Islam 101: Day 3

I am having a "bad religion" day. You know, those days where you only see negative and everything seems hopeless not to mention too difficult. Not a good day for school.

I had tafseer first, and as I explained in the previous post we covered verses 1-7 of Surah Bin'Israel. I was so glad I brought my Qur'an that has the transliteration. They do everything in Arabic. But what is odd about that is I'm pretty sure the two boys (who were sitting in because there teacher did not show) really didn't understand the surah in arabic, even though they could read it. Luckily, Sister A had me read it in English out loud after they read it in Arabic which seemed to help the discussion. I also got to hear Sister A recite. So beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. What a blessed talent she has. But it made me wonder: Are women not allowed to recite? The girls never read the Du'as, only the boys.

Then we had prayer. I now have prayer directions written out line by line so I can follow along. They worked great for Dhur but not so good for Asr. In Asr, instead of saying "Subhannallah, Subhannallah, Subhannallah" they said something that went "Subhannallah something something Muhammad". I was so confused. And then there were extra du'as and they didn't end either prayer with the 3 Allahu Akbars. I was so lost and frustrated. They also go REALLY fast. I can't even read the page that fast! It makes prayer look so hard, I'm not sure I will be able to get it.

After prayer, we congratulated a seven year old boy for completeing the Qur'an for the first time. Mash'Allah how wonderful for him at such a young age. Alhumdillah, he read the du'a for completing the Qur'an in arabic so beautifully. Then he recited in english just as well. It moved me to see this little boy so enthralled and dedicated to his religion. At seven, he has read his holy book. I don't even know any other Christians besides myself who have read their holy book. And at seven this young boy has completed such an amazing task. May Allah bless him and his efforts.

Br. S's class consisted of a test which I could not take. It was so embarrassing I knew nothing! I was amazed by the students during the test. They take their classes so seriously. You would not see students taking CCD classes so seriously. These kids studied and actually care if they get the answers right. Its amazing to see how important their faith is to them even in their teens when it is usually the most unstable. I want faith to be that important to my child. I want being religious to be encouraged, not discouraged.

I then met up with Sister N at lunch. We talked about all sorts of things. I have come to learn a few things:

Many find art being haram absurd

Many find not all music to be haram. It being haram has to do with context and content which I 100% agree with. If the music promotes haram actions or makes you want to booty shake with a man on a dance floor, it is most likely haram.

Many agree that hijab is a process or trial and error. You will not be perfect at it right away and that it would be really difficult to try to wear hijab in a office if you had previously been working there. Allah appreciates your efforts and good intentions.

She told me a story of her friend who was Hindu but converted to Islam. She didn't tell her parents till she converted and the results were terrible. They teased her, shunned her, were awful to her. She worked at a family business and they were always trying to get her to take off her hat (she used hats so they wouldn't suspect her) or to dress less modest. Finally, because she could not take it, she quit her job. Later, her family called, apologized, and hired her back. Sister N told me this story to show she agreed that allowing your parents to get use to the concept of converting gradually is much better than dumping on them all at once. Insha'Allah she is right.

I'm not feeling as much of an Iman high right now. I'm feeling really unsure at the moment. I dunno what to do. I also think I'm worrying about whether or not I can do this if I don't get married. I think a friend's situation is making me worry about this and its clouding the good stuff. I just don't know if I could do this without his constant support. With his support gone, it could be nearly impossible. And there is always a chance his parents will freak and he will not stand up for me. Nothing I can do then but hope I definitely made the right decision; because in an event like that, I'm totally on my own.

I just have to wait. There was a lot of talk today about Allah being the best of planners. How we need to do our part, work our hardest, try our hardest, and leave the rest up to Allah. Now, you know I believe a lot happens at random but I do think there are some things that are ultimately up to Allah. My choice is up to Allah, I must wait for Him to tell me what to do. I must continue to study, to try hard, and hopefully soon Allah will reward me with an answer. Insha'Allah it will be one that allows me to be happy, full-filled in religion, and marry my My Love.

Islam 101: Ascension of Muhammad (PBUH)

I'm splitting it into 2 posts because we just had such a fascinating story in Tafseer I wanted to post it seperately. If there are blanks, please feel free to fill them in. I found this story absolutely fascinating.

I had Tafseer, we will be studying Surah Bin'Israel (Children of Israel). For 2 hours we talked about what the first 7 verses meant. Yes, she is that thorough. The first verse is about the Ascension of the prophet, the 7 layers of Heaven and 7 layers of Hell. The first verse specifically talks about Muhammad's (PBUH) Ascension from the Masjid in Mecca to the Masjid in Jerusalem. Some say Muhammad (PBUH) moved physically, some say he moved spiritually.

The story roughly goes like this:

Gabriel came on a big horse and took Muhammad (PBUH) to Heaven. On the way there Gabriel said "As we go, ask no questions. You will see a great many things."

Muhammad (PBUH) arrives to see all the past prophets praying and Gabriel says "You must lead them in prayer" and the prophet says "But I cannot." After some convincing he leads them all.

Gabriel then takes him through the layers of Heaven and when they arrive at the layer which would be that of Allah Gabriel tells Muhammad (PBUH) that he must continue from here by himself and that he will be able to ask Allah about the fate of him and his people. So Muhammad goes to Allah and asks what he can tell his people to do. Allah tells Muhammad to have them pray 100 prayers a day.

Muhammad finds this unreasonable but complies with Allah's wishes. He then runs into Musa and Ibrahim and they tell him to go back to Allah and ask for less. The people cannot do 100.

So he goes back and Allah says "Ok then 50 prayers a day"

Muhammad goes back to Musa and Musa tells him "Surely that is unreasonable. Your people were once my people, I know they cannot do that. Ask for less."

So Muhammad goes back and forth a total of five times before Allah says "Muhammad I love you and I see the love you have for your people. In my love I ask for 17 prayers a day" which equals the 5 times muslims pray today.

I really enjoyed learning about this and want to know more. How extraordinary.

Hijab Update 12/12/09

Ive lost track so this is how I will title these from now on :)

I now wear a scarf pretty much where ever I go on the weekends. I'm finally use to seeing myself in it which is great.

Somehow I was the only hijabi in the grocery store today. That was weird. I mean its freezing here so that could have something to do with it. I always feel a little more comfortable if I spot another hijabi. When I don't I feel a little out of place.

Hijab does not keep your head as warm as you think. I thought my regular scarf would be enough to battle the 20 degree cold. It was not. However, berets over a scarf are super cute and keep you toasty warm.

Headbands hurt. They have about a 4 hour limit. Even after you have stretched them, they hurt. I'm going to have to invest in some hijab caps. The one I have does not hurt my ears. I will, however, still use headbands because they look super cute on top of the scarf if you wrap it similar to the way my character Elle wraps her scarf.

I got the death glare for the first time from a 50+ year old white man. I have never seen so much hate in a person's eyes for absolutely no reason. It aggravated me. I wanted to follow him around and ask him what his problem was. Usually when I get stared at its more of a double take, a shock from seeing a blue eyed white girl in hijab. I only seem to get mean looks from white men in their 50s. Not sure why. Maybe they feel I betrayed my kind by becoming something they are against. I feel like a Cylon (watching much BSG), I look human and I have feelings like a human but they don't want to treat me like I'm human. I'm wondering if Islam is one of the parallels Battlestar is addressing....

I wear more makeup in hijab than out. I think I am overcompensating for the fact that you cannot see my eyebrows. They are way too light and I have to put color in them when I cover my hair or I look bald. I also HAVE to wear mascara since my eyelashes are clear. If I don't I look super bald. Not good in my book.

I am less nervous about running into people I know in hijab. I have become ok with the possibility that I will run into my neighbors. But I like my hijab, I want to wear it, and if they don't like it too bad. I only get to wear it twice a week and I am going to enjoy it whether they like it or not. I'm pretty sure it won't cause any problems though.

What Do I Say...

I go home in a little over a week for Christmas. I am already anxious about having another talk with my parents. I know that I most likely will, and should, speak to at least my mother again on the subject. I want to take a different approach than what it seems most people did. I want to keep my parents in the loop on my progress. I so badly just want to be honest with them. I feel that giving them information a little at a time is going to be much better in the long run then coming home one day and going "hi I'm a muslim now!". Yes, giving them information over time and having multiple discussions is harder on me but in the end I think it will help to preserve our relationship.

Did I ever speak about how I told them of my interest initially? They had just met My Love, he came to a wedding with us and then my parents stayed in the city for a few days to visit. It had been their anniversary and I wrote them a letter thanking them for being so kind to My Love and for not shunning him because of his religion. For being accepting and for allowing me to explore. Yes, this did result in my mother freaking out but it opened up a dialogue. It also lead to me meeting his parents (not having met his parents was the one thing both my parents had issues with).

This has lead to a couple uncomfortable discussions with my mother but I truly feel honesty is the best policy. I want to sit her down and say:

"Mom, I know you are unhappy with my interest in being muslim. I'm sorry it hurts you. This truly does not have anything to do with me getting married. I just want what is best for me and this might be it. This does not mean I have anything against Christianity, Christianity is great. Its just not for me. I have more studying to do and I am working on that. I have a few things I still need to figure out but I want to be honest with you and say I am considering converting. This has nothing to do with being against you or Christianity, its just about me and God. I don't want to hurt you or Dad, I don't want to make things difficult for you. I will do my best to find a way to make things as easy for you as possible. I am sorry, I wish this could only be hard on me. Please just try to accept this and work with me on it instead of against me. I don't want to loose you over this."

I don't know what to do. I so desperately want it out in the open. I'm so tired of lying, both to my parents and his. I have to be one person with my parents, another with his parents. One person with my non muslim friends, and another with my muslim friends. I want to be myself, always. Not just when it is convenient for everyone else. Right now, the main thing holding me back is a fear that I could loose my parents. If I can lessen that fear I will be able to think more clearly.

My God help me. May God make it easy for me. I thank God for the ease he has given me. May God lessen the burden on my parents and help them find a way to understand. May God accept my plea to be closer to him and to find my way.

May God help us all in our journey.

Amen

Happy Hannukkah!

Happy first night of Hannukkah!


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanukkah

Sura Al-'Ankabut

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Raheem

29: 41

The parable of those who
take protectors other than God
is that of the spider
who buids
a house: but truly
the flimsiest of houses
is the spider's house
if they but knew

29:46

And dispute ye not
with the People of the book, except
with means better
unless
it be with those of them
who inflict wrong (and injury)
but say "We believe
in the revelation which has
come down to us and in that which
came down to you:

our God is is your God
is One: and it is to Him
we bow

29:63

And if needed thou ask them

who it is that sends down

rain from the sky

and gives life therewith

to the earth after its death

They will certainly reply

"God" Say "praise be to God!" But most

of them understand not

In Your Element

When I was a teen I went to these things called anime conventions. Yes I was one of those people they call cosplayers (dress up as anime characters in costume). When I got older I began to work the artist alley. I would go to a convention once a year and I spent that entire year preparing for it. I used all my extra money to make my costumes or gather supplies for my art work, paying great attention to every detail. My friend and I spent hours discussing what we would do, planning skits with our group, and even having meetings with the group online.

All this effort for three days of greatness. For 72 hours I had a place where I totally fit and could be completely myself. These people enjoyed the same things I enjoyed, thought the same way I thought, were all about the same things as me. For three days I was in my element, feeling complete bliss like I could take over the world. It was such a joy to spend time with these people. A happiness high so to speak. But after 72 hours I would go home. Then I would plan, wait, and pine for next year's convention.

I am getting the exact same feeling from school. I now spend all week yurning to go and spend time with the people at the school. I spend a lot of time thinking about what we will do next week, what I can learn, observing prayer etc. I go through my scarf collection trying to decide what one I want to wear and check out my abayas to make an outfit. I only get to wear my scarf once a week and I get very excited about being able to do so. Same with the abaya. Part of the reason I really want to learn to pray is so I can go to the school's mosque during the week just to be in that environment more than once a week.

Only difference is I should feel horribly out of place at school and I don't. I feel in place, comfortable. I feel like I am with a group of people that get me. I am way more comfortable there than with most other persons who want to go drinking or clubbing or talk all day about boys. I should be out of place and I am not. I don't know what to do with that. But I do know I am very happy.

Insha'Allah my prayer cheat sheets will work fine and I can start learning to pray soon so I can go to the mosque more often. My Love does not know what he is getting him self into with me. I'm going to wake him for fajr, drag him to the mosque on all the holy days and lectures, and most likely make him come with me to the mosque for evening prayer. I warned him that the danger of marrying a convert is they want to do EVERYTHING.

We shall see.

A little Confusion

I've been a bit confused lately and it seems to be confusing all of you as well. I've been getting quite a few messages asking me if I've become muslim. The answer is I have not. I did go back and look at my last few posts and can totally see where everyone is getting this. They sure sound like I have become muslim. I am stuck in this weird middle ground at the moment. Not Christian, not a muslim. I more often say "we do this" in reference to Islam and "They do this" in reference to Christianity. I have also been doing a lot of "if I am muslim" senrios. I've just been thinking a lot about it and all has been going so well. Allah has made this so far easy for me. I have been able to have a dialogue with my family who says they won't disown me, I have a loving man to teach me and support me, a school to learn from with wonderful helpful people, and many mosques nearby. Halaal food is easily accessable, muslims are common in my area, and modest clothing can be found. My studies have been mostly productive in a good sense, with very few disagreements. I am actually waiting for something terrible to happen. It seems so off balance, all these good things.

I finally feel like after 10 years of looking I am on the right track. I am so excited about that. I have looked so long for peace and understanding in religion. I now stand on the brink of finding an answer which is both exciting and terrifying. I never expected to find anything. Now every day I get closer to Allah and my answers.

Isha'Allah Allah will make it easy for me. I am waiting for a revelation so to speak. I just know that one day, I will know without a doubt what to do. Then I will make plans for what to do next. I just know that right now is not the right time. Not for me, My Love, or my family. There is much still to do. I have to finish the Qur'an, learn to pray, and learn to at least pronounce Arabic. I can't even say the Shahada properly. I'm pretty sure I should wait till I can say it! My family also has to have more time to get use to the idea and My Love needs a little time to figure out what he wants to do if I do become muslim. We need to be careful about the engagement so people do not think I became muslim just to marry him. All needs to be handled in a delicate manner.

I want to thank everyone for all the support you have given me and continue to give me.

Salaam

Keeping Christmas

Yes you heard me right, I’m keeping Christmas. Christmas will not mean the same thing to me as a muslim but I need to keep it for a few reasons.

As a muslim, Christmas is about celebrating your family and friends. By giving gifts you show the other person you appreciate them and care for them. It’s a lovely guesture of good will. It can also still be Jesus’ birthday. Nothing wrong with saying “Happy Birthday Jesus” even if its totally at the wrong time of year. I just won’t be celebrating the birth of God’s son/God born on earth. I also will not be attending mass unless I can sit in the back and just watch.

I have to come home to celebrate Christmas. My refusal to come home or acknowledge Christmas would be grounds for disownment by my parents. They would say I am denying my upbringing and my culture. They would also take it as a deep person insult. Obivously, none of these things are worth taking a stand against Christmas.

Also, I just love Christmas. It’s happy and colorful. I get to see all my extended family that I never see otherwise. I get to buy gifts for people which I LOVE. It’s a beautiful time of year about peace and joy.

I worry about when I have children with Christian grandparents. Eid will never be as cool as Christmas and my parents might want to do Santa Claus. I suppose I would tackle that when it came.

There are a few things I will have to cut out though. The decorations that cannot be considered winter will have to go. Luckily, I don’t have religious decorations or Santas. The hardest will be the tree. I’m use to having it and I have so many beautiful ornaments including a 20+ year collection of Peanuts ornaments. I love my tree. Its warm and beautiful and reminds me of my childhood. I asked my Love about it and although he likes the tree he thinks it would be inappropriate. I warned him that I will have to replace Christmas with something and that something will be Eid ul Fitr. He said that was fine as long as I didn’t try to put up an Eid Tree. I will have to keep a tree around though just in case my parents visit during December. They will still expect me to have a tree. The reaction to not having one could be horribly damaging.

So the question is: How can you adopt some Christmas traditions into Eid and what do you do with all that Christmas stuff? Here are a few suggestions:

1) Ramadan Calendar – Many of us had those awesome Advent calendars with the chocolate. For Eid ul Fitr 2010, I plan to make a cloth Ramadan calendar with pockets. I know that Ramadan can vary in how long it is so I will make the max number of pockets and pin a little moon with a star to the day for Eid. That allows the day to change. I will have some sort of marker to move pocket to pocket and fill the pockets with dates to break the fast. I think it will be super cute. A great idea if you have children.

2) Donation Box – Want something to decorate? Make a donation box. Decorate the box however you like. You can then do the following: Add the money into it you would normally spend on lunch, put all your change to accumulate through Ramadan into the box etc. It will be fun and then you can donate the money to a good cause. Another great idea if you have children.

3) Ornaments – what to do with them. Well you could use them as Eid decorations if they are just colored balls. Otherwise, if you have a collection like I do get a cabinet with a glass door and display them all year round. Or you could give them to family members or a good cause.

4) The tree – There isn’t much you can do with a tree. My tree is only 1.5 feet tall so I am going to turn it into a cute all year round decoration with some birds and cloth to hide the base.

5) Decorations that are more winter themed should be permissible. Just make sure they aren’t too christmasy.

6) I know it is not traditional to give gifts for Eid. I will, however, be doing so. I love giving presents, I figure no one will object.

7) I will still give gifts to my family. Christmas will be about celebrating them and my friends. I will no longer expect to get gifts though which makes me sad. I look forward to my Christmas check. I could see my mother withholding that from me after my conversion.

8) Many churches have something called a giving tree which has names of people in need and a list of what they need. Ask your mosque or local center to contact a shelter and see if they can get a list of people who need. People need help more than once a year after all.

So those are some suggestions and things I would do.

Any more suggestions? Anyone have any advice about dealing with Christian family members and Christmas as a muslim?

Eid ul Ghadir

Is Eid ul Ghadir tomorrow, Dec 8? I think it is.

Anyone know?

Qur'an Widget

Qur'an Widget

Just in case anyone wants to add an electronic, reciting Qur'an to their dashboard :)

Islam 101: Day 2

Bowling is entertaining. Especially when no one really knows how to bowl. :)

We started off the day by doing both afternoon prayers. Today we had a lot of people who aren't students. It was kind of similar to church on a holiday. A bunch of people who are not use to the masjid being loud, coming in late, and allowing their cell phones to ring. TURN OFF YOUR PHONES. Ugh. The du'a was really pretty though. Br. S said it first in arabic then in English. It was all about there being only one God, no other God and no other object of worship. I filled my heart with a weird warmth that I am not use to. I also love watching the women pray. Its so peaceful. I can't wait to learn, but I have a long way to go.

Our lane for bowling kept malfunctioning so our scores were pretty much void. It was entertaining though to see how many times we would have to roll the ball before our turn ended. It was a really confused lane. It was amusing to watch all these women in hijab, especially some of the older teachers who also wore abaya and tried to bowl. Teehee. The little girls in their tiny scarfs with matching outfits were so cute!

I made a new friend. Sister N. She is my age, newly married and new to the city. She teaches the little kids at the school. We talked about all sorts of things while getting everything set up. She explained how courtship and marriage works...its a lot simpler than I thought. So no more worries about it. We spent the entire day talking. She seems just as excited to have a new friend as I am. She told me all about a group that meets on Fridays which discusses ethics and philosophy behind Islam. I may attend it, although its in an area that is not so good. I wish My Love didn't work late on Fridays so he could come with me. So I will wait and see if I go.

I get a high of wanting to pray a lot and read the Qur'an after I go to the school or the masjid. Not sure what that is yet. Its like I really want to pray, or read Qur'an, or study my Islamic vocabulary words (I'm making flash cards), or read one of my many books. I think some have referred to it as an "Iman high". Dunno what this feeling means but I feel really happy during this period of time. Insha'Allah it starts to last for longer periods.

All in all a good day. We shall see how next week goes. And I need to learn the Islamic word for goodbye lol.

Insha'Allah all will remain well.

Exert from Fire by Kristin Cashore

My fun book of the moment is "Fire" by Kristin Cashore which is about a woman "monster" who is also a soldier. In this book a monster looks like any other animal but is brightly colored and has the power to enchant and read minds. Women monsters are particularly dangerous because of their beauty. They drive men mad without trying. Fire attempts to make herself more human by wearing over-sized men's clothing and a head scarf to cover her scarlet hair. Here is a quote from Fire that I think illustrates the importance of hijab.

Why did hatred so often make men think of rape? And there was the flaw in her monster power. As often as the power of her beauty made one man easy to control, it made another man uncontrollable and mad.

A monster drew out all that was vile, especially a female monster, because of the desire, the endless perverted channels for the expression of malice. With all the weak men, the sight of her was a drug in their minds. What man could use hate and love well when he was drugged?

Just thought I would share. Its a really good book so far. "Graceling" is also a fun read.

Salaam

Focus

Any suggestions on how to stay focused? I don't mean on my studies in Islam, I mean staying focused in the rest of my life. Particularly at work. I've gotten so wrapped up in religion that I'm starting to make mistakes at work because I'm not thinking clearly. I'm not focused on the task at hand. This is obviously not good. Small mistakes, like forgetting to mail something, happen. But if little mistakes start happening a lot, and they have, its only a matter of time before I make a big mistake. And I can't make a big mistake and keep my job. My head is constantly filled with thinking about what I just read in a book, what I will do at school, or how I feel about this or that. So full, that it often pushes away new thoughts making my memory extra terrible at the moment.

Any advice?

Top 10 Transitional Items: Scarf

Scarves are not just for muslim women ladies. A scarf can be used for a variety of things to make an outfit more modest. Use it to cover a low neckline, drape it as a shawl to cover your shoulders, or wrap it around your neck and let it float. It is the most versatile accessory.

Of course, it can be used for hijab. Here are my favorite tutorials.



Amenkin summer Hijab




Stores:

H&M

Sensational Hijabs and Scarves

Middle Eastern Mall

Things I've Learned Since Studying Islam

I am now calmer than I use to be. I am able to handle stress without flying off the handle or having a panic attack because I know to stop, think, and ask God for help. And that you can’t do much while you are angry at the world. Anger and frustration get you no where fast.

I feel closer to God. I haven’t felt this close to God since I had major surgery as a child. I feel more at peace with my relationship with God. I feel like it is growing and developing. My understanding of God is beginning to finally take shape. I am becoming at peace with my view of how God fits in my life.

I have only been with the women at the school for a short while but I feel like I may have found a group of people to which I can belong. I have never had that before in my entire life. Women and I don’t usually get along.

I love the Qur’an and it has answered so many questions that I could not have answered by anything else. It has also taught me to look again at the beauty of the Gospel.

Islam has allowed me to take another look at Christianity. I am able to see the beauty in Christianity now that I am on the outside. I may not believe Jesus is God, but I can appreciate the Christian religion. I am also more effectively able to appreciate the intricacies of Jewish tradition.

I am more sensitive to other faiths.

I have found a religion that sees Jesus as I see him. A great prophet sent to save humanity from itself by inspiring us with his teachings. He did suffer to save us just not in the way Christianity dictates. I’m not entirely sure about Islam’s view of the crucifixion though.

I have only begun the prayer ritual but so far I have found the seeds of the meditative serenity that I crave.

I love hijab. I feel much more feminine now than I did before. I feel more beautiful, confident, and comfortable in my body. I have learned how important it is to have respect for your self and to not sell yourself to men. Your body is for you, not for everyone else to eye.

I am able to see how important God is to one’s life. More important than a career or love or material things. If you have God, everything else seems less important.

Everything in Islam has a logical reason or purpose. If it does not, then it may not truly be a part of the religion. A religion that functions on logic amazes me and makes sense to me.

Hadiths are frustrating but they cannot be ignored. You do not need to believe in every hadith in existence to be a muslim.

I am excited about possibly being a part of an organized religion. This has never happened. It is not a chore, it is an adventure.

Being a muslim is more than following a bunch of rules, reading Arabic, and wearing hijab. Its about finding a connection with God and finding the best way to serve him. I think this is ultimately true for all three religions. However, because there are different types of people in this world, one religion may not work for all. Perhaps there are three to choose from because one religion would not work perfectly for everyone. Different people need different things. It is up to you to figure out what you need to best serve God. Its only a theory.

You must choose religion. Until you choose your religion, you cannot serve God and know God to the best of your ability.

I have more respect and see more value in my parents than I did before. Partly, because I have been faced with the possibility of loosing them. It’s also because of all the focus put on parents in Islam. It is also because even when I presented them with a concept they did not like, they still agreed to not disown me.

I feel I can do a lot of good as a muslim.

I clearly see the issues with Western society and the things that should not be acceptable. I no longer find skimpy clothing, using sex or flirting to get what you want, drinking etc to be acceptable behavior.

So what I need to figure out is this: What makes a religion right for someone? Is it how much you agree with the book, the rules, and the practices. Or is it how the religion brings you closer to God, allows you to serve God. Yes you need to believe in the core aspects (Ex: Muhammad is a prophet) but can you disagree with portions of a religion and still have it be the one for you?

I’m not sure. But I move toward the later.

Review: When Bad Things Happen To Good People

Title: When Bad Things Happen To Good People *****

Author: Harold Kushner

Genre: Non-Fiction, Theology

Audience: Those interested in Theology. Not really recommended for someone who has just gone through a tragedy. Maybe later on, after they have had time to heal.

Content:

"When Bad Things Happen To Good People" discusses the journey of a rabbi named Harold Kushner as he struggles with trying to help people through tragedy and ultimately faces the great loss of his young son. Kushner bravely discusses the concepts of why bad things must happen in this world, what we must do with them, and God's role in it all.

Opinion:

This book should be read by everyone at least once in their life. "Bad Things" discusses an uncommon viewpoint: that there is randomness in the universe and God does not cause everything to happen for a specific reason. God does not inflict pain so you may learn something or to punish you; pain is a product of nature and free will. What God does do, is help those who choose to learn from their pain.

This book is the best example of how I feel the world works and God's place in our lives. I cannot do the book justice so I will let it speak for itself:

"The dictate of practical wisdom for people in our situation might be to remain mindful of the possibility that our lives continue in some form after death, perhaps in a form our earthly imaginations cannot conceive of. But at the same time, since we cannot know for sure, we would be well advised to take this world as seriously as we can, in case it turns out to be the only one we will ever have , and to look for meaning and justice here" - pg 29.

" Suppose that Creation, the process of replacing chaos with order, were still going on. What would that mean?" - pg 52

"I do not know why one person gets sick and another does not, but I can only assume that some natural laws which we don't understand are at work. I cannot believe that God "sends" illness to a specific person for a specific reason. I don't believe in a God who has a weekly quota of malignant tumors to distribute, and consults His computer to find out who deserves one more or who could handle it best. "what did I do to deserve this?" is an understandable outcry from a sick and suffering person, but it is really the wrong question. Being sick or being healthy is not a matter of what God decided that we deserve. The better question is" If this has happened to me, what do I do now, and who is there to help me do it." - pg 60.

"The candles in the churches are out

The stars have gone out in the sky.

Blow on the coal of the heart

And we'll see by and by..." - JB by Archibald MacLeish on pg 145 (also an amazing work)

Check it out or Buy it: BUY IT. You will most likely read this again or reference it. I read it the first time almost 7 years ago and I still reference this book.

If you like this you may like: Anger - Thich Naht Hanh, Blankets -Craig Thompson, Living Buddha, Living Christ - Thich Naht Hanh, No God But God - Reza Aslan