But when a relationship ends due to outside sources such as religion, family, or culture its different. You still have love for that person even though you can't marry them due to too many outside conflicts. Its frustrating, disappointing, but I actually find it easier to deal with. I have had two relationships end this way, and one like the former. I am still friends with these two men because we did not end our relationship due to internal issues, more to external issues. The first it was because we were too young, 16 at the time, and I could not make a life long commitment at that age. We also wanted to live in different places and wanted different things for our lives. But after 10 years of knowing each other we are still friends. The second, and most current, was over religion, culture, family, and legal issues. In this case too many outside sources to balance. We were great between each other but once you started adding in what we needed for marriage the relationship did not add up. If you need to drastically change yourself to make a relationship work then the relationship will never work as well as needed. It won't be you in the relationship, it will be a fabrication of yourself. And that is not good for you, nor is it good for your partner.
Do I still love him? Of course. You never stop loving someone. But love does not a marriage make. Marriage is built on Love, Friendship, and Compatibility. Compatibility can include culture, religion, family, and the like. You do need to have a way to balance interior and exterior influences in a marriage. If you can't find a balance, most likely it is not the marriage for you.
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". If you need to drastically change yourself to make a relationship work then the relationship will never work as well as needed. It won't be you in the relationship, it will be a fabrication of yourself."
ReplyDeleteLoved this! Great post. You are so wise!
You know, I think that much more important than being compatible with someone is being able to work together to a) acknowledge the differences and b) come to a common agreement on how you as a couple will address them. Maybe that is compatibility too come to think of it, but I definitely think that marriage needs two people who are aware of cultural differences (and how to get through them) as opposed to not agreeing to marriage only because of those issues if that makes sense? I'm not talking specifically about your situation (completely different) but just something that came into my head. Hm.
ReplyDeleteI mean being able to work together is part of compatibilty. If your personalities are compatable, you will be able to work together well. I've known a lot of people who have been crazy "in love" but could not work together to save their lives. But I've known people to be compatable but not in love. Again, you need both. You can be of two different cultures and be compatable. But sometimes, your families aren't. Sometimes they are, its all by each person's individual situation. In mine we worked together extrodinarily well, but were not compatable on a slew of other levels mainly family and religion. You can only make compromises to a point but when those compromises start to affect what you believe as a person you have to look hard at how much you are willing to change and/or give up.
ReplyDeleteBad part is, people get sucked in by love and they make bad choices.
"Bad part is, people get sucked in by love and they make bad choices."
ReplyDeleteYou are so wise. My mother was older than you when she met my dad and they got married after being sucked in by love. They remained married until my father's death but it was one unhappy marriage. One person always, always has to sacrifice all the time in such marriages to work, and the day that person realises how much they have sacrificed, it is a long and dry road to self-pity. In the end love dissolves too.
I'm pleased you are still friends and like each other. That is how it should be, shouldn't it?
You are a beautiful person, God bless you!
PS: LOVE your new theme and banner!
Suroor: Aw your sweet haha. Yeah love is a dangerous thing. Its hard to see through it. But after being in an emotionally abusive relationship you learn more easily how to see if something is or is not working...providing you recognize and admit that you were being emotionally abused. Just because you feel you love someone does not mean you should get married. There is way more to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad he and I are friends too. He is my best friend, it would be a shame to say goodbye to that just because there is no marriage in our future. We were friends before we talked of marriage, we can be friends after. That is why I truly believe one should have a relatonship with someone you were friends with first. It makes all the difference in the world.
I really admire you for being able to come to this decision, it can't have been easy. I'm glad you sound like you are coming to terms with it too. It's not so bad on the other side... I feel like I should be more upset over my marriage ending, and I certainly was at first but then I guess if it really wasn't meant to be, you start to feel good about it and relieved, almost. I get the impression it's a bit like that for you. I hope we both have good things to look forward to in our lives!
ReplyDeleteSarah: *hugs* praying for you dear. Yes there is relief that comes with knowing you made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteThat's true -- you can't compromise who you are in order to be with someone. That's a recipe for disaster, because eventually you (or they) will be resentful of the fact that you/they had to change to make it work in the first place. *hugs* I know it's hard. I actually had to end a friendship with a guy I was engaged to back in high school. We dated off-on-off for about a year and a half. Just last month I sent him an email and told him that I needed to move on with my life and find someone who loves me, and that I couldn't even begin to do that as long as we were friends because I still love him and was tired of his endless parade of girlfriends being shoved in my face. I didn't hear back from him, so I assume that he doesn't feel the same way and is respecting my wishes. I know God has someone better waiting for me; He just goes about things in His own time, even if I get impatient. *grin*
ReplyDeleteBesides, single life is great. No relationship stress, just friends, family, and kittens. I do what I want, when I want, and I like it like that.
Heather: I agree, its good to be single sometimes. And I look forward to having kittens :) My new roomie has 2.
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