Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

There have been a lot of break ups around me recently. I find the end of a relationship to be an interesting thing. Its not usually so much an end but a change. Perhaps the end of an era. Your relationship doesn't necessarily end, it just changes. It becomes something different. On occasions where a relationship ends badly (such as over adultery, abuse etc) the relationship itself often does come to an end. Especially if the "love" you had for that person wasn't really love at all.

But when a relationship ends due to outside sources such as religion, family, or culture its different. You still have love for that person even though you can't marry them due to too many outside conflicts. Its frustrating, disappointing, but I actually find it easier to deal with. I have had two relationships end this way, and one like the former. I am still friends with these two men because we did not end our relationship due to internal issues, more to external issues. The first it was because we were too young, 16 at the time, and I could not make a life long commitment at that age. We also wanted to live in different places and wanted different things for our lives. But after 10 years of knowing each other we are still friends. The second, and most current, was over religion, culture, family, and legal issues. In this case too many outside sources to balance. We were great between each other but once you started adding in what we needed for marriage the relationship did not add up. If you need to drastically change yourself to make a relationship work then the relationship will never work as well as needed. It won't be you in the relationship, it will be a fabrication of yourself. And that is not good for you, nor is it good for your partner.

Do I still love him? Of course. You never stop loving someone. But love does not a marriage make. Marriage is built on Love, Friendship, and Compatibility. Compatibility can include culture, religion, family, and the like. You do need to have a way to balance interior and exterior influences in a marriage. If you can't find a balance, most likely it is not the marriage for you.

Not Obviously Muslim Headwraps

Ok ladies I need your help.

Due to my current state of confusion I'm feeling really self conscious when I wear a scarf in an obviously Muslim way. I do so because frankly its the easiest way to fulfill the requirements needed for me to enter a mosque. However, it is making me uncomfortable because I don't feel very Muslim right now; I feel like a poser.

Anyone have a suggestion on what I can do? I know I can do a spanish wrap but then I have to wear a turtleneck and its getting awfully hot. Or I can wear 2 scarves, one on my head one around my neck.

Eh, its just so much easier to throw on a square scarf and be done. Maybe I can just deal with being uncomfortable.

New Header

The blog changed, if you can't already tell :).

I thought I'd tell you what the painting is in my new header.

EDIT: The name of the painting is "All That Is Seen and Unseen" (if you can tell me where the title comes from you get ...a cookie LOL Your clue is: I will be shocked if Amber doesn't know the answer ;) )

The painting represents the paradox of Faith. Faith is suppose to light your way through life but often blinds you to the rest of the world and other religions. The background is an overlapping of many different religious symbols. She is searching for her way, but is having trouble seeing through her faith. You have to caste off the blindfold to see the truth.

I felt this piece is very appropriate for the the blog. And I do love it so :).

For you artsy people its : MDF board mounted at 52" by 18" acrylic airbrush with pastels and watercolor pencils over a charcoal underdrawing. An absurd amount of hours, definitely my fav of the series (there is also hope, truth, and love.)

Awwww

A friend posted this on my facebook wall. Its from givesmehope.com

I recently rung up a young boy and his mother. When he saw me at the register, wearing a hijab, he grinned broadly at me. As they were walking away afterwards, he tugged on his mom's sleeve and said,
"Did you see her, ma? She's gorgeous! I bet that's why she's all covered up."
He GMH.

SO CUTE.

Article: Mos(que) Hysteria

Villager

This I just can't understand. Thousands of people are up in arms because a group of Muslims want to build a center near the World Trade Center that promotes unity, understanding, and peace. And somehow, because it is attached to Islam, it doesn't belong there. Because apparently thousands of people think all Muslims are terrorists and don't belong within reach of WTC. They are trying to counteract and condemn the people who bombed the WTC but does anyone hear that? No. All they hear is Islam and Islam equals Terrorism. I am well aware of what happened on 9/11. I live here, I get it. But they want to fix what these people did and better the community. What is wrong with that?

This kind of thing I will never understand.

I'm Being Interviewed?

I logged into DA today to find out that my Unity drawing won the Unity Contest at Muslim-Manga. You can see the drawing HERE. Now, I entered this contest almost 2 months ago so I figured I didn't win. The interview will be on Islamunity.net. I have informed them that I am not Muslim as that may affect what questions they ask me. No clue what the interview will be about.

We shall see how it goes.

The Artist and the Ambulance

I am irrationally terrified of driving. If there is a phobia of driving I have it. The thought of getting behind the wheel of a car after 2.5 years of not driving makes my chest hurt and hands shake with fear. I have always been convinced that my life will end in a car accident. Or worse, I will be paralyzed for life. Every time I get into a car I pray that God will let me live to my destination. I even had an angel figure and a blessed rosary in my old car in college. Pretty sure I had Buddhist prayer beads too.

The fear of driving is so overwhelming and right now I am overcome by the fact that I will have to learn to drive everywhere again. In a few short months I will have to drive. And I really don't like that idea. The Big City has allowed me to only take public transportation. No worries of injury or death. You've seen how people drive, its terrifying! Honestly, their should be better assessments for driver's licenses....and for procreation but that's another subject all together.

So how does one get over their fear of driving? By driving of course. I had gotten to the point in college where I never drove. I made my boyfriend drive all the time. I was so paranoid of everything. I had a major anxiety disorder. Now, that anxiety only surfaces in the face of driving a car. I gotta go back to the country, get behind the wheel, and drive.

I wish we still road horses everywhere....they are much easier than cars. At least a horse won't crash into another horse. Though he might throw you over a fence, but that is a story for another day.

NOTE: Artist and the Ambulance is actually a title of a song by Brandnew. I think of its video every time I get into a car. Couple, doing fine, driving in a storm, BAM. End of happiness.

A few changes

Well here is the big news:

I'm moving. To the big city near where my parents live and my birth place.

And you wonder: how did you come to that conclusion?

Well, I'm tired of this city, not doing too much. I don't have a lot of friends here and if I want to continue to study religions I can easily do so in this new city. Plus my family needs some help and I miss my friends.

And then of course the obvious: My Love and I have decided not to marry. All is still good Thank God but we have realized we would not make the best pair. I cannot be the type of Muslim he needs. I'm not even sure if I can be a Muslim, that will take years to know. And due to some circumstances, he does not have years to get married. Its now or never. So I choose friendship and God Willing that is the right choice for both of us.

I will continue to study, the blog will continue but it may evolve and change as I change. RTV will still go on as well. Visit the RTV blog to read about its changes HERE.

I pray for the best for both of us. And that I can learn how to drive again. I'm so terrified of driving. Really, its ridiculous. But that is another post.

Salaam.

I'm Back

Hi everyone,

I'm back!

I have some more things to sort out so no actual thought provoking posts for awhile. Unless you want me to post on all the young adult novels I've been reading :).

Uglies by Scott Westerfeld is fantastic BTW

Hope everyone is well.

Leave of Absence

Hi everyone.

I'm going to be gone for about a week. If I don't reply to your comments please don't be offended. If I don't have anything to say on your blog its because I'm currently taking a break from all blogs, not just my own.

Some big things are happening. I am at a crossroads looking down over the edge. Gotta wait to see which way the wind blows. See which way to fall.

Peace to you all. Salaam, Shalom.

Article: Violence and the Qur'an, Bible actually has more

Fascinating article about the amount of violence in both the Qur'an and the Bible. Christians need to look at their book before saying the Qur'an only promotes violence. For those that don't know, the Bible, especially the Old Testiment, is horribly violent. Especially to the unbelievers.

BOSTON GLOBE

Injury During Prayer

Warning: If your abaya has large buttons down the front be careful not to kneel on them when you go into sujood. You will in fact get a large, button sized bruise on your knee. And it will HURT!

Ouch.

Article: All Pakistanis Are Terrorists

Amazing Article at Al Jazeera HERE. About the racial profiling of Pakistanis in Western countries especially since the recent botched attach on Time Square. (Thank God)

I'm really having enough of this. The freaking Arizona Immigration Law aka legal racial profiling and this too?! Are we back to the slave days? Are we back to the 40s and 50 were african americans were instantly no good because of their skin color and Jews were still not considered nearly as good as Christians? Have we reverted that far back to now blindly discriminating for no reason against all Pakistanis, Middle Easterners, and Muslims?

It seems so. God help this world we live in.

Hallelujah

I was walking home from Sunday School yesterday in probably the worst heat wave we've had in awhile. I spent most of my walk fighting with my scarf as the tail kept threatening to wrap itself around my head. As I was walking I pasted a huge Korean church and outside of that church hobbled a little old Asian man with a cane. The little man raised up his hand and yelled "Hallelujah!" at me as we passed each other in opposite directions. I didn't know what to do so I waved back at him and smiled. In retrospect, I probably should have said "Hallelujah" back to him but I was too stunned. I'm use to "Salaam" but not "Hallelujah".

Any idea what that was about?

Note: "Hallelujah" means "Praise the Lord."

Circle: An Islamic Culture

Sorry I've been a bit quiet, I haven't had much to say. But I thought I'd mention what was talked about in Circle since so many have been talking about culture. We discussed how to develop a new culture for our generation that combines the culture of the parents (or Eastern Culture), American Culture, and Islam. All of the youth present were very interested in finding a way to break down some of the un-Islamic practices of the Aunties and Uncles and to find a way to start emphasizing what Islam really says. All were interested in trying to stop the backbiting that is heavily present in the mosque. What I gathered from them was that in the Desi (Indo-Pakistani) community gossip is a huge problem. Its all people do at the mosque. And of course their was an interest in loosening some of the separation rules between the men and women that didn't exist in the prophet's time (complete separation, no conversations with opposite sex, not knowing your spouse at all before marriage etc). These are very cultural practices that history clearly states were not the only way to do things while Muhammad (as) was alive (everyone prayed together, he had conversations with women, the Prophet was friends with his wife first etc). There was also a great interest in breaking down the racism and prejudices present in different ethnic communities so the first generation could be more free to befriend and/or marry whomever they please. Yes, there are even some parents who won't let their kids have friends outside of their ethnicity much less outside of their school or religion. Its a big problem when trying to create unity and spreading a good image of Islam.

But how do you change the behavior of your elders when you are told to respect them? One young man brought up the verse about how you should obey your parents unless they are asking you to do something which is against your religion. Many of these elders are asking just that of the youth (backbiting, limits on marriage due to prejudice, barring the women from the mosque etc). Another suggested that you need to befriend someone who is more influential at the mosque and when you have a good idea respectfully suggest it to that person and then let that person suggest it to the community. They all agreed that we can't change the elders but we can slowly change the behavior so by the time we are the elders changes will have been made for the better of the second generation.

And we kinda had to stop there because it got really late.

What do you think, as first generation and converts and students/friends of Islam, we can do to improve the condition of the ummah and wipe out some of the un-Islamic things present in our communities today?