Closing Time

This blog is now closed. It details the last year of my 2 year adventure with Islam and the man I loved. Feel free to read it.

To continue following my story please visit and follow Wheel of Samsara. My email will remain inkblotsblueabayas (at) gmail.com

Thank you to those who followed inkblotsblueabayas. For all your support and love. I hope you will continue on this journey with me.

Salaam.

What Happened

I am going to tell the tale because I feel it needs to be told. I have seen too many bright young women end up in my shoes. I want this blog to be an example. Learn the lesson I learned. Some relationships between people of different religions and different cultures work. But if you are expected to change your religion, to change yourself that relationship is going to fall apart. You may love them, but love alone does not a marriage make.

I realized it when My Former Love and I were having another discussion about hijab. This was probably two months ago. We've had this conversation a thousand times in the last 1.5 years. I told him flat out I did not want to wear the scarf. He said a wife of his must wear the scarf otherwise she will not be properly respected. She will not be seen as a good Muslim. The fury began to boil in me and I as I stared at him I realized why: He had no right to ask me of that.

If he were orthodox in his behavior, I could understand the request. But he is not. He wants to date just like any other American, interact with women, wear tight shirts, go to haram events, avoid going to the mosque, and listen to music. He bends rules when its convienent for him. Doesn't make him a disbeliever, but it sure makes him unorthodox. Yet he wants to marry an orthodox woman who wears traditional hijab, goes to the mosque, looks good in front of the community and his family and is an overall pious Muslim lady.

See the problem? He didn't want to change, but he expected me to change everything. He also expected me to do a 180 once married which is basically impossible.

Problem two was his family. They want him to only marry a Pakistani. He never once in 1.5 years told them about me as his girlfriend. He is too afraid of them. He would have backed off in a second if they had said no to the white American. He did not want to stand up for me. Fear of parents and in laws who hate you for your race does not a good marriage make. Plus they never would have even looked at me as a non Muslim. They would have kicked me out the door. They don't trust convert women, his family says they always let you down. Due to one experience they had. Hold grudges hard his family does.

Add the legal problems and the possibility of leaving the country and you get the whole picture in a nutshell. Now, when we started he told me all I had to do was be Muslim. Didn't say what kind and that his family could care less what my ethnicity is. I didn't have any idea about his legal status. Turned out I had to be a orthodox Shia Muslim, his family did care A LOT, and there were major legal issues a foot that I didn't learn about till over a year into the relationship. Ladies, these things should have been red flags. I was so engrossed in Islam I barely noticed them at all. He was my source of information, my hook up into the community. These issues didn't come to light until I realized there was a slim chance of me being an orthodox Muslim (or one at all). Once I knew that wasn't going to happen, I saw all the problems we were about to face. Most I was not willing to face. And I knew he would chicken out once it came to play his part with his family. It was a lost cause from the beginning.

Ladies take care. If he is of another religion proceed with caution. If his family is directly from a Muslim country or any other country with strict cultural ties proceed with caution. Ask about his family. If they are super orthodox or seem to only stick to their ethnicity be concerned. Ask if they have had any experiences with converts or Non-Muslims. Ask questions, pay attention. Ask how they got their citizenship. Ask what he expects from a wife and hope he tells you the truth right away and doesn't withhold information. Try not to let your hormones and your heart cloud your good judgement.

This is all coming from a girl who knows. Salaam everyone, this is the last real post of inkblotsblueabayas.

End of an Era

I bet you all have noticed the changes in my posts in the past 2 months. I've noticed them too.

I really thought I could just change this blog up a bit and keep going. But its like trying to continue a book after its obviously ended. You can't. That is why there are sequels instead of books that are 5 thousand pages long. Because sometimes the story has to end and get picked up again somewhere else. Same characters, different situation, different time, different place.

That is kinda what my life is like now. When I started inkblotsblueabayas I started it to showcase RTV and you can see how well that worked out. So well, RTV ended up needing its own blog because it got pushed so far out by my exploration of Islam. And my battle with my love for well, My Love.

But now, My Love is not my love anymore. That dream of us being a happily married Muslim couple is no more. I'm leaving the Big City, and starting a new life in the midwest. I'm still studying Islam, but I get to sit back more. I don't need to read constantly, think constantly, force myself to do things. I don't feel that push to choose anymore. I feel I can take my time, take forever if I need, I no longer have to choose. I no longer have a deadline. Thank God.

I want to explore other religions again. I want to get a well rounded picture of God. I want to see Him in the eyes of many others. I want to branch out and understand the world. I want to go among the Jews, the Buddhists, the Christians, and see what they do. Just like I went among the Muslims.

I won't close Inkblotsblueabayas. I feel that it needs to stay open. I feel that it is a good tool for women who are in my past position. There are many of us who fall for a Muslim man and go through all the trials I have been through. For some it works, others it does not. But I wish there had been a resource for me to look at, so I could see what some people went through. So I could have known that his parents might be against me, he couldn't do this or that, and that the likelihood of me fulfilling his expectations were slim to none. I wish I would have had a story to read. Well, here is that story.

Before it closes I will write a post that explains what happened. What ended this era. Then, a new blog will open. And a new era will begin.

Namaste.

Ok, Its Hot Modest Ladies

Ok Ladies. I just have to say this to all my hijabi/modest sisters. Dears, lovlies....

Its hot. Stop wearing a skin tight long sleeve shirt under a maxi dress. Or a two layered scarf look with long sleeved T under a short dress over jeans. You will overheat. You will pass out.

Couple weeks ago I went to circle to see my lovely Sisters. They were all hanging out in front of the fan saying how horribly hot it was. And I looked at all of them. Each had 2-3 layers on, the bottom layer being a tight T. All of them had scarf styles that wrapped tightly around the head with an underscarf. I was in a maxi dress, square scarf in a triangle, slip and loose cardigan. I was fine. They were not in the 90 degree heat. And then they wanted to know why they were so hot!

Ladies, I love you. I don't want to see you pass out. Please be smart about what you wear in this heat. I know that some of you follow the 2 layer rule and that can be achieved without being hot. I have a few tips for the modest in this heat:

Scarf Style: I know some of you feel this is only for the aunties but a square folded in half and pinned under the chin seems to be the coolest way to go.

Maxi dress: Pair it with a loose cardigan and you are good to go. Need two layers? use a slip as well. You will stay super cool.

Light weight Abaya: They are indeed cool. Wear a light weight sheath cotton dress underneath and you will be staying cool. Avoid dark colors if possible.

Tunic shirts: these are made for heat, as in made in India. I love them. Shirt a little see through? Use a skin toned bra. No one will be able to tell. Also a tip for white: NEVER wear a white bra under a white garment. It will show right through. Always use skin tone.

Wide leg linen pants: way cooler than those tight jeans and adorable with short dresses, linen pants are the way to go. You can get them at H&M and Forever 21.

Natural fabrics: Use cotton and other natural fabrics. They let your skin breathe and allow the air to circulate.

Wide Sleeves: One of your cooling points oddly enough is your armpit. Make sure the arm hole of your shirts are wide and the sleeves are a little wide. This will allow for air flow and keep you cool.

Anyone have any other suggestions?

To The Brides...

Brides: Do not mandate a dress code for your bachelorette party. Especially if that dress code is a little black dress.

My friend is getting married. For her party we are heading to a place where these bands she likes play. Not fancy at all. I assumed that the dress code would be jeans and a t-shirt.

I was wrong.

She turns to me today and says "Do you own a little black dress?"

I, assuming she wanted to borrow it, said, "Yeah I do. Its really little and I only wore it once a long while ago for a wedding. I bet you'd like it." (My friend loves tiny clothing. Sexy, but usually somewhat sophisticated. With massive high heels.)

Then she grinned like the Cheshire Cat, "Well, you'll need it for my bachelorette party. You all are required to wear little black dresses. My girls are going to look sexy."

I starred at her, kinda like in a cartoon when the character's jaw drops and the eyes bug out. Then I laughed at her. "You know I don't wear that stuff. Besides I don't own one that I would wear in public."

She smiled. "Well then you need to get one." I saw that mischievous twinkle in her eye that let me know she knew she was getting under my skin, in a playful way.

We bantered back and forth. I asking for a little more fabric, she taking it away. I fighting for a knee length hemline, she pulling for a lower neckline. We settled on the idea of me finding a black dress that was Mad Men Style. Sexy, but sophisticated. Covered in the right places.

But she is still determined to get me into a truly little black dress.

Ladies, don't do this to your friends. Its just not cool.

My Mate List

Sarah at Climbing the Ivory Tower put up a rather fun list about what she would like in a partner. I thought this was fun and would make one myself.

1) We need to have things in common so we can actually go out and enjoy stuff together. I don't want to be like my parents who don't do anything because they have nothing in common.

2) Friendship. This is incredibly important to me because after about a year that crazy chemical attraction wears off and you are left with compatibility. One of the best ways to ensure a long relationship is friendship. It means you have more interest in each other outside of a dating relationship.

3) Kindness and understanding. I can get a little overly emotional. I need my man to be able to sit back, take it in, then calmly deal with me. Usually takes a kind and understanding person to do that.

4) Must be a geek. Its a requirement. Only a geek will ever truly understand me. Doesn't need to be full on geek, but has to understand geek-ness.

5) Someone who is independent. I don't want to have to take care of them all the time. They also can't be constantly indecisive...that drives me crazy. I want him to take initiative sometimes.

6) He can't be orthodox in any religion. Its too hard to blend orthodox and reformed. In fact, anyone too into one particular religion might not work well for me. But he does need to believe in God.

7) Intelligence. I like men I can have an actual conversation with who are interested in books and philosophy and the world, not just football.

8) He needs to have drive. I can't stand unmotivated men. If life isn't working for you do something about it. Go toward a goal.

9) Someone who's family understands the customs of the country they live in. Also, a family who is not too into their religion and can accept people from outside their culture/ethnicity.

10) Someone who will talk to me when something is bothering them. I hate when partners avoid confrontation because they don't want to upset you. Avoidance just makes things worse.

11) Someone who is an American citizen.

12) I would do well with a left brainer. As I am 100% artsy right brained, I tend to not get along well with people who are also right brained. That is because I am right brained but practical/realistic. Many right brainers are not. I prefer mathematicians, scientists, philosophers, physicologists, IT, or technicians. Maybe a graphic designer. Absolutely no actors...EVER. That mistake I will not make again.

13) Someone who does not get drunk. I really don't think I could date someone who likes to get drunk.

14) Someone who can go out on the town, but be just as ok staying in and watching TV.

15) I'd love a man who would set up romantic surprises. I've never had one of those and I think they'd be fun lol.

What do you want in man/woman?

Review: Peeps by Scott Westerfeld

Title: Peeps *****

Author: Scott Westerfeld

Genre: Fiction, Young Adult, Sci Fi/Horror

Audience: For those who love a book that will constantly keep you guessing. A fast paced thrill that may make your skin crawl. Lovers of dark, horror fantasy will enjoy this novel. And those who love science.

Content:

Ok let's clear some myths about vampires.

First of all, you won't see me using the V-word much. In the Night Watch, we prefer the term parasite positive, or peeps, for short.

The main thing to remember is there's no magic involved. No flying. Humans don't have hollow bones or wings - the disease doesn't change that. No transforming into bas or rats either. It's impossible to turn into something much smaller than yourself - where would the extra mass go?

Follow Cal on a scientific adventure through the underbelly of New York City. Cal, a freshman in college, learns very quickly after a one night stand in New York City that there is something quite special about him. Unfortunately for Cal, loosing his virginity changed his life. Cal is now a carrier of the parasite which changes people into vampire-like creatures or Peeps. Luckily for Cal, he is a carrier; All the super human abilities but none of the flesh eating madness. Cal's job is to find these crazed Peeps and bring them in to the special organization known as the Night Watch. But what does Cal do when a young journalism student stumbles onto his work? How can Cal find his progenitor, his source, to stop the parasite? And what is that horrible smell lurking in the basement of Lace's apartment building?

Opinion:

I don't normally review the young adult novels I read but this one was so good I needed to tell you all about it. Honestly, if you wave away young adult novels, saying they are too young for you, then you are missing out on a lot of amazing literature. Scott Westerfeld is better known for the Uglies series. I have so far read two books in that series, Uglies and Pretties, but found myself rather bored with Pretties. However, I love his writing. His characters are so real and his dialogue is so well crafted you think you are listening in on an actual conversation. So I wanted to give one of his other books a try. My friend, the young adult enthusiast, suggested Peeps.

And I am so glad she did.

Peeps is by far one of the best books I have read. Even if you don't like sci fi I would highly suggest this book. Honestly, its more science based then sci fi. The book centers around the idea of this ancient parasite that makes people appear like vampires (And was actually the source of the myth of the vampire). They don't run around sucking blood or anything but they do kill anything they can for meat. The parasite loves meat. We see the underbelly of New York City through the eyes of 19 year old Cal who found out after his first week in New York City that condoms really are your best friend. Contracting the parasite from a lover, he later learns that he too spread the parasite to girlfriends he had after this woman (It transfers through saliva as well). The story picks up when Cal meets Lace, a journalism student, who figures out pretty quickly that something is not right. The interaction between these two characters is priceless. They are hilarious together and so real. Cal himself is rather charming and you feel for him right away. You want to be his friend and you definitely care what happens to him.

One of the charming parts of this book is that before every chapter there is a page about a parasite. You get to learn what all different kinds of parasites can do. If you are squeamish I suggest skipping these pages. They can be a bit graphic. Not for the faint of heart.

Pick it up, give it a try. Its an amazing book.

If you like this you may like: - Tithe - Holly Black, Brave New World - Adolph Huxley, 1984 - Orwell, Uglies - Scott Westerfeld, AIr - G. Willow Wilson

END OF AUGUST!

As you know, I'm moving out of my apartment end of August. Now, my original lease date is Oct 1 but due to when my friends need to get an apartment I need to leave a month early. I called the building, who transfered me to a broker (Brokers are like realistate agents for apartments but shadier). The broker and I agreed that if we could find someone to rent the place by September 1st I could get my security deposit back. Seemed fair. He then asked me if he could start showing the place this weekend.

Of course I said NO. My place is a disaster. Its a horrible mess. Plus I haven't solved the mold problem in the bathroom (never take an apt that doesn't have ventilation in the bathroom) and my kitchen frightens even me. I stumbled with shock saying there was no way my apartment was in any condition to show. That I needed at least 2 weeks to get it going, even though he wants to show it next weekend. He said fine and to call him when its ready. Seemed fair so I thanked him and hung up.

5pm today I get a call. Its the broker. He wants to show someone the apartment.

>_<

'WTF? Did I call you!?' I wanted to shout. I was so shocked, he didn't even give me a chance to say no. He showed up 1 minute later with a young man. My place: tornado might as well hit it it looks so bad. Everything is out of the closets because I'm reorganizing. The young man looks pleased though. Then the broker turns to me and asks:

"When are you moving?"

O_O

"September 1st. Not till September 1st."

The young man looks at me wide-eyed, then at the broker. "Dude that doesn't work. I need an apartment August 1st, not September. I don't think I can wait that long."

Broker, "I'm just showing you this place because its similar to the apartment that is open August 1st that is just below this one. That's all."

Found out later from my super's wife, who finds the broker to be an appalling man, that the apartment below me is nothing remotely like mine. At all. Its a one bedroom and isn't even set up like mine. Nor does it have the awesome view of the skyline.

This broker, who funny enough was the one who got me the apartment in the first place, was trying to trick this man. This broker probably would have made me leave early if it had benefited him.

And I am putting my security deposit in the hands of this guy?

....Wish me luck.

PARTY DRESS!

I JUST WON THIS ON EBAY!

I'm very excited :) ebay is evil btw. It will suck in your soul because you will want to win stuff. Then it makes you spend way more than you wanted to because you want to win. Luckily, this was very inexpensive.

Ladies, learn your clothing measurements. You can get really nice clothes for really cheap. This is a shift dress from the 1960s. This was $25 including the shipping. $25!!!! The vintage store up the block from my office would have easily charged $125 for the same dress. It pays to play ebay.

I love ebay. But its still evil.

Hijab is Not Relative

I have thought about this a lot and have come to the conclusion that although I wanted terribly for it to be so, hijab is not relative to culture. Modesty is but hijab is not. Hijab is not another word for modesty. It is a strict dress code for Muslim men and women. It is not about modesty but rather about privacy. The word hijab (as referenced HERE) actually translates to curtain or more specifically a curtain used for privacy. Hijab, if you really look at it, is way more about privacy then modesty. Its about keeping men at an arms distance and protecting women from the sight of others. If we are covered head to toe, no one can see us and our privacy cannot be invaded. The hijab "dress code" amplifies this with the requirements of covering everything with loose fabric other than the face and hands. No one can see anything, the woman's body is only known to herself. Her privacy is secured.

Hijab also deals with giving women their rights as far as treatment but I have not see that work as well as it should. Yes, it keeps men from making advances in a country like America but go to some "Muslim" countries and they will be all over the hijabis or harassing them. I love the intention of hijab but hijab on its own will not gain you respect. The culture has to respect hijab for a hijabi to be respected. Sadly, a lot of Islamic cultures do not respect hijab or hijab is so common they look right past what it means. And the men take hijab as a license to behave badly, like they have no self control. But what hijab does achieve in the west is a sense of modesty which does gain a woman a certain amount of respect she would not have in a mini skirt and tube top. So at least that is progress.

Factor in the social edicate portion and you have a full behavioral code. Hijab tells us to lower our gaze and cover our selves. Many a hadith will be interpreted to mean that we must also avoid speaking to men, befriending men, and working/interacting with them. Now yes this has some good points but in a non Muslim society that can be quite difficult. I personally find it unnecessary and could not get use to the way I had to interact with my male friends in the presence of other Muslims. I especially could not get over the fact that my one friend had to wait at the end of the block after circle so he could ride the train home with me late at night. This was for my safety but the sheikh would have disapproved so he hid the kind intention. How does that make sense? I think, in the case of male/female interaction, there are good intentions that are often taken quite too far.

As much as many of us would like, we can't really bend the rules and call it hijab. They are all encompassing and involve every aspect of our lives as women. One can't really say that a knee length skirt with a half sleeve top and no scarf is hijab. Is it modest by American standards? Yes. But hijab? No. This was my biggest struggle. I wanted hijab and modesty to mean the same thing but they just don't. Hijab is a dress code and a way of being. It affects the way you speak, interact, and move. Its all encompassing. Modesty is not all encompassing, modesty does not have a strict set of rules. Modesty is relative to what your culture dictates is modest. If you accept an orthodox approach to Islam then you have to accept the orthodox definition of hijab. I could not accept it and it tourchered me. Especially the scarf. I see no reason why I should ever have to wear a scarf. I do not see men falling over themselves at the sight of my hair. Sometimes I think if God wanted us covered head to toe we would have been born with fur. This does not mean, however, that I find no value in modesty. I find a tremendous value in modesty and choose to dress modest myself. But I do not see why one must wear a scarf. I do not see how not wearing a scarf gets me sent to Hell as many speakers would have you believe. That means that the majority of the female population is heading straight to Hell because they do not wear a scarf. This concept just baffles me.

I applaud women who choose to follow hijab, but I also think it should be ok to be Muslim and not wear the stated requirements. However, I do think that if you choose not to wear or follow hijab, you will have a very difficult time being an orthodox Muslim. Which is how hijab became one of the main reasons I had to break off my relationship. Without hijab, the scarf in particular, I could never have been "Muslim" enough. I would like people to stop and think before they attack each other over something so simple as a scarf or a specific dress code. Because people attack by what they see on the outside, not the inner hijab. A dress code does not make you a good Muslim; your belief in Allah and the teachings of Muhammad are what make you a good Muslim. Scarf or no scarf.

Back from the Party and a T length Dress

I'm back from the party! It was fun, nice to see my extended family. I very rarely ever see them. Especially great to see my cousin who would probably be one of my best friends if I lived closer. But fortunately she and I will live quite close to each other real soon YAY!

I wore what I call a "Mad Men" dress to the reception. It is a t length (calf length) full skirt dress with short sleeves and a boat neck. I got it on ebay for a great price and its from the early 1960s. I love it. And I realized something that night.

It was so nice not to be concerned that my lower leg was showing. On top of that I realized I really didn't care if my lower leg was showing. I didn't feel like I was being immodest or inappropriate. I just felt pretty and comfortable. I'm not saying I'm going to start running around in mini skirts, but I think my opinion on what I need to wear is changing. Its becoming more of a high bred of hijab and American modesty which suits me just fine. I also cut quite a bit of hair off and now have chin length hair which means I wear my hair down all the time. This too does not make me feel immodest at all. I'm actually starting to wonder why there was a point in my life I made such a big deal over my hair being down in the first place. But I guess its just like another blogger friend said: You get the compulsion to cover, and then you get the compulsion to do something else. Doesn't make one better than the other but sometimes God tells us to do something for a period of time and once we gain the knowledge He saute for us we can somewhat return to what we were. I learned a lot from completely covering but I think God is telling me its time to find my happy medium :).

For The Moments I Feel Faint

Lovely song by Relient K. Check it out. My friend is using this for her wedding.

Prayer Books

I am looking for prayer books and I am wondering if you all have any suggestions. I currently have:

Psalms (David)

Sirach

Psalms of Islam

They can be of any religion as long as its about God, to God, thanking God, happiness, joy, good fortune etc. I'd love a Buddhist one :). Think happy thoughts.

If you have suggestions, leave them in the comment section. English books only please.

Excerpt from Pretties by Scott Westerfeld

pg 308-309

Maybe the barriers around Tally's pretty world weren't as obvious as the little men hanging in the trees, but they were just as hard to escape. She remembered how Peris had chickened out as he'd looked down on the wild from the balloon, suddenly unwilling to jump and leave behind everything he'd known. Everyone in the world was programmed by the place they were born, hemmed in by their beliefs, but you had to at least try to grown your own brain. Otherwise, you might as well be living on a reservation, worshipping a bunch of bogus gods.

Sisterhood

I'm going tomorrow to say goodbye one last time to all the ladies at the Sunday school. Its the last weekend I can attend before they close for the summer. And I will miss them terribly. Some of the most wonderful women I have met have been my Muslim girlfriends. It pains me so to leave them behind. One of the main reasons I go to circle is just to see them. Its nice to learn too, but I love to see my girls. It will be sad to see them no more.

Sisterhood is a beautiful thing: I have never seen it the way it is in Islam. They are just so loving, so welcoming. Its like belonging to a little club. Its extrodinary that no matter where you go if you have a scarf on you will find another sister who will say "salaam" or give you that little smile they give to each other. Its quite remarkable. Its probably my favorite part about Islam.

But we can have sisterhood outside of Islam too. I have only experienced this with anime fans. Anime fans have a similar way of interacting. If you are an Otaku (anime fan), you are part of a secret club. They will find you, and they will greet you in a special Otaku way. Otakus usually have an idenifying thing whether it be an anime keychain or necklace or a pin on their bag. And when you find them you smile. Because you know they are one of you. Konnichi-wa!

But its not quite like it is in Islam :)

Some Things You Can't Separate

You can't separate culture from Islam completely. You can try, but it won't work. I have come to this conclusion.

And you say " But yes you can! Lots of non-Arabs are Muslims!"

This is true. And yes they have found a way to combine cultures sure. But the reason you cannot separate culture from Islam completely is simple:

The culture is in the Qur'an. It is in the Hadith. It is Shariah.

Its there, in plain Arabic. Now, culture is in the Bible and Torah too but the difference is that the words of these books are not considered directly from God. They are inspired. Therefore, their words do not need to be followed exactly as they were thousands of years ago. But for the Muslims, the Qur'an does. A lot of the advancements in the Qur'an were based on the situation of the culture at the time. I feel that is mainly why there were polygamy rules, percentage rules for woman's inheritance, covering rules, etc. They all applied directly to the time the Qur'an was revealed. They were revolutionary for that small community. These words improved their society, made it way more just and practical then it ever had been.

But that was 1400+ years ago. Can we really expect rules and regulations, applied as they were 1400+ years ago, to function as well as they did back then? No, we cannot. These rules are so heavily based upon the issues and culture of that particular civilization that some do not even apply to our modern societies. But we try to do so, and its very difficult. I can't get use to them. To having to behave is such an odd fashion with men. To having to wear an overcoat in 90 degree heat or a scarf. To having to say many many Arabic terms. To getting use to the idea of arranged marriage and polygamy as ok. I just can't do it.

Add on the fact that Shariah and other Islamic practices are 100% middle eastern and you get the whole package. From the clothing you are expected to wear, to the food you can get at Halal restaurants, to the holiday practices and languages spoke at the masjid. No music, its haram, no dogs they are haram, no interaction with the opposite sex they are haram. How can one expect to blend our Western culture with a culture that is its antithesis?

I couldn't figure it out. But I'd love to hear from anyone who did.

Note: This is part of a series entitled "Islam Revisited"

Apartment Tips and Horror Stories

Many of you are probably graduating college (Praise God) and are looking for your first apartment. You can't contain your excitement. You finally get your own place. You pick the first place you find. It looks amazing, the price is great, you are stoked.

And you find out soon enough...its a dud. Apartments can be deceiving, especially in big cities. They have this amazing talent of hiding even huge problems. I am going to give you a few tips that I've learned in three years of living in the Big City.

1) Make sure the shower doesn't leak. If you live in an old building you will end up with rust in your bathtub. You will be cleaning it twice a week. Turn the shower on when you go look at the place then turn it off. If it keeps dripping, you will probably have this problem.

2) Ventilation in the bathroom - this is important not for why you think. No ventilation means mold. And it sucks to try and clean away the mold all the time. Leaving the bathroom door open while you shower doesn't help either.

3) Watch for holes in the walls - Holes in the walls mean mice. If there are a lot of them there is a good chance you will get little critters visiting you. My first apartment was picked by my roommate before I moved out here. Due to the massive amount of holes we ended up with centipedes and mice. LOTS of mice. So many that you saw them during the day! Pull a box off a shelf, out pops a mouse. Not a pretty picture.

4) Make sure your windows have screens. Yep. Some big city apartments don't have screens. Go figure.

5) Make sure the fridge is super cold. My fridge doesn't get cold which means I have to push everything to the back of it and can't put anything on the door. Its very annoying.

6) Make sure your Super actually fixes stuff. This is hard to do but you can always ask another tenant. I actually love my Super, he fixes everything that he can anyway. Some of my apt issues need a real plumber...and brand new pipes.

7) Pay attention to the neighborhood - again, my old roommate did not do this. We ended up with a cheap apt alright, but a crappy neighborhood. You should not hear gunshots at night. You can usually tell by how the area is presented. If its run down, there is a good chance its not so good yet. Also pay attention to the people around you. If you are uncomfortable in that area then its not the place for you. This is especially important for women.

8) Make sure you have laundry near by - again, first apt did not. I had to walk over half a mile to do my laundry. Not cool. If you can get a place with laundry in the building its so worth it.

9) If you are not going to have a car then make sure you live somewhere that does not need one - haha again first apt. We lived in a place where you need a car which was fine when my friends with a car lived down the block. But once we had a falling out I was left walking almost 2 miles to the grocery store. I really hated that first apt.....

10) Get roommates - you may not want them but they will make things a lot cheaper. I love having my own apt but the cost is astronomical. I simply can't afford it but I do since I had a bad roommate experience. Second roomie was cool though so its possible. I highly recommend it. But don't live with people you work with, it gets too complicated. And for all that is good and holy do NOT live with your boyfriend....trust me.

11) Keep a gallon of water on you at all times - you never know when they will randomly shut off your water. And they will do this.

12) If you don't have central air - a lot of places in big cities do not due to the age of the buildings. This means a wall unit. Most likely, you will need to buy one yourself. This is a good thing because then you can buy an energy efficent model. Get one that has an "energy saver" option which shuts the air conditioner off once the room reaches the desired temperature. Also, only run your air conditioner when absolutely necessary. Running the air conditioner, even if you only run it from when you get home from work to when you leave the next morning, will double your electric bill.

13) Don't go furniture crazy - You will not live here the rest of your life. Do not buy all matching items to fit the place and get all fancy. Its a waste of money because most likely those items will not fit just right into the next place you move. Get that fancy kitchen table when you get married :).

14) Storage space - this is a must. Look for a place with at least 3 closets: one for clothes, one for stuff, one for a pantry. It will make your life so much easier. Make sure you only take to your new place what you really need. My current apt is the same size as my bedroom at home. Except now I live in that small space. You gotta consolidate. Take things to Good Will or sell them on ebay. I know that is my plan.

So hopefully this helps a few. You can learn from my Big City mistakes. Pray to God that my third apartment is better....and has a dish washer. God please give me a dish washer :)