I've been having a rough month. Let's just say I've taken a break from a lot of things to reassess my current situation. And although good the frustration is making some things difficult.
Like modest dress. I don't know why because I hate wearing tight clothes, short skirts, and low cut tops but lately I am getting the urge to dress like the rest of the women at work. Partially its because I'm going into all the stores, seeing the summer fashion, and realizing I can't wear any of it. All it does is remind me of how hot I will have to be in the summer and how much I don't want to wear a scarf in 90 degree heat. How I want to wear short sleeves, no scarf, so I don't pass out (I get heat stroke easily) while walking through the city. I am horribly annoyed at my clothes, mostly because I am bored with them. Its winter outside, its 80 degrees inside my office. So I can't dress in winter fashion because I will boil in my office. Yet, its too cold outside to use spring fashion or wear a skirt. Its also too icy for heels. So I'm stuck with my basic long sleeve T, cardigan, and jeans. SO BORED.
Also, I never get compliments on my clothes anymore. Yes that is ridiculous and self centered but I don't. One of the girls will walk into work in her tiny dress and heels and everyone will be all "Oh you look so good! I love that outfit!" but that never happens to me anymore. I use to be the main fashionista of my old office, everyone asked me for fashion advice. Not anymore. My previous boss in my current office use to compliment my outfits all the time, but she too dressed modestly. Now I only get compliments if I'm around muslimahs. Why this frustrates me I don't know, I'm a bit ashamed to admit to it myself.
I think it boils down to the fact that I sometimes feel its unnecessary in the US to dress as modestly as hijab requires, especially in the summer. Women run around half naked in the summer. And its ok. They wear bikini tops and shorts on the train for crying out loud! Tiny shorts, tanks, etc. So I feel rather modest in my t-shirt and linen pants, my maxi dress and short sleeved cardigan, and overly modest in my ubber wide leg jeans, shirt, and cardigan with a scarf. It seems unnecessary and attracts so much attention simply because the norm in the summer is so far away from hijab. Now is this a good reason to not do hijab: not really. But it does make some sense. I think I will always be on the side of modesty needing to be relative to your culture.
I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis. Maybe a mid-religion crisis. The scarf and I no longer have a good relationship, my feelings about how necessary it is have changed. I still think its pretty, I love what it stands for, but I am having issues with it being necessary for my everyday life. Modesty is relative to where you live. Of course, My Love wants me to wear it and is not happy that I'm leaning toward not doing so anymore. But he doesn't understand: Hijab and scarf are two different things. Then again, a lot of women will say it is. I don't know like I said mid-religion crisis.
Once the maxi dresses hit the shelves I'll feel better.
Maybe this is just the beginning of the end.
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I love your honestly, LK. I think you sound like a very modest person regardless of whether or not you wear the scarf. As you said hijab is so much more than something that covers your hair. You sound as if you have the modesty of the heart already. Ultimately it's between you and God so don't let others sway you. He knows your heart.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I think when I used to dress more immodestly, I saw some benefits in modesty and thought, aha, this is the way forward! But after a while of thinking modesty was really important, I've started to see that it's not *that* important - as you say, women run around half-naked in the summer (well maybe not in Scotland lol) and nothing really bad usually happens. I think this is just the nature of life - we go through seasons, phases, our perspective shifts again and again, back and forward.
ReplyDeleteNo offense to your Love, but I HATE it when men think they can have a say in a woman's religious observances! What's it got to do with them?!
I agree with Susanne; you definitely seem like you have hijab of the heart. Yes, I have felt the same as you; sometimes I do get hot and wish that I could just wear short sleeves. Sometimes I'm in a hurry and wish that I didn't have to fuss with a headscarf. However, I feel that ALLAH wants me to observe sartorial hijab, and by not doing so I would be putting my earthly desires over ALLAH, Whose Laws are eternal and Perfect. I just regard these thoughts and desires as a test of my devotion and patience, like ALLAH is testing me to confirm whether I will choose Him or my own self.
ReplyDeleteALLAH tells us in the Qur'an that He will surely test us and our faith; "Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss of goods or lives or the fruits, but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere" (2:155). Perhaps this is one of those tests. Insha'Allah, make du'a that ALLAH relieves your stress and despair.
And, if it helps at all, I think that almost everyone has felt these feelings of uncertainty or not wanting to do certain things. I know I have, and I will probably have them again. You're not alone. *hugs*
I think the key to staying cool while wearing hijab in summer is to not wear layers. Linen pants and a long-sleeved linen tunic with a cotton or linen hijab will keep you covered completely with only one layer. You could also wear an abaya with nothing under it, or shorts and a tank top underneath; from what I've heard, abayas are actually quite cool in summer because they allow for a lot of air flow. Jeans and cardigans and long sleeved-shirts might not be the best idea when it's really hot out.
Also, long linen skirts (especially white ones) are a modest girl's best friend; they are definitely my favorite article of clothing in summer because they are so cool (and twirly!).
ReplyDeleteSusanne: Thanks :) I agree with you its just so hard and I HATE being hot lol
ReplyDeleteWrestling: You totally get it. That is what I mean by modesty being relative to your culture. Its really hard to find a wrist length summer weight shirt, best you can do is 3 quarters. Now in my opinion, thats fine. Seems to be a large concensus of that in the US for muslimahs. Most in my neck of the woods do not wear full length sleeves in the summer. Has to do with making some of the modest requirements relative to our culture. Part of being modest is not sticking out. hard to do dressed head to toe.
I live in the US, in a big city. They are half naked in the summer LOL
Yeah men agrivate me sometimes. Don't tell me to wear a scarf while you are sitting there in a tight long sleeved designer shirt. You know? LOL
Anne: You are so cute :) Thanks for the suggestions. And yes abayas are comfortable in the summer. I hope to get a light weight one for when I go to school and the mosque. Silk is really nice too. Have a silk Shalwar Kameez that I cant wait to wear! Im saving it for Eid Insha Allah I go to Eid this year.
"I use to be the main fashionista of my old office, everyone asked me for fashion advice."
ReplyDeleteAwwww :)
I definitely think modesty is relative to culture. I think the Qur'an says we should be modest (women AND men) but that always depends on the context. In fact, wearing an abaya on the beach in the States will get you looked at more. So it really depends on the context.
You know what. I know how you feel. In the end it's absolutely your choice to do whatever you want, but here's what i got..
ReplyDeleteBefore i started observing hijab, i wasn't an immodest dresser too. AND i was the popular fashionista who ALWAYS got compliments for my dressing sense! But as you said, it stands for something more great, more noble. And that was what moved me most and i decided to wear it. I don't know where you live, but here where i am (Mumbai, India) it is super hot all thru the year.. One of my first hijab experiences was in a fashion district when i went out shopping wit a non-hijabi friend.. And as it was super hot (and i wasn't even wearing a cotton hijab) the moment i was out in the sun, i felt drops of sweat trickling down my back and it really was quite hot.. but my reaction to that was just... a smile with the word "Alhamdolillah!" sounding thru my head.. As crappy the place was and as fashionable the people around were, i could not help feel so much better about myself! cuz at that moment, i was not sure how other ppl saw me or how i looked, but i WAS sure that Allah SWT at that moment was really pleased with me... and THAT experience was PHENOMENAL to me..and i would not trade that for anything in this world! I also felt good cuz i felt good to be different, to be *bold*! And thats what i always had been...
Also because when i was 100% sure that the Message to cover was one from my Lord, i was 100% sure of its validity, no matter where i would be...
I'm not sure where you are right now, but u sound confused..but what i personally think (i cld be super wrong)is that your urge to cover when you're uncovered will be greater than ur present urge to uncover when you are covered...
Regarding the thing about not being able to wear all that cool stuff...i guess thats there with all of us..but we are just SELECTIVE with what you wanna wear in front of whom. And to me, the BEST and most stylish clothing wld be saved for the BEST person only...ie- My future hubby! But more importantly, when i'm out looking at all those cool designs that are out, my brain focuses more on "how i can make this look hijab friendly! How can i covert this into Modest!" and honestly, thats exciting for me..cuz it exercises my creativity, and fashion sense plus it keeps intact a symbol which i deeply respect and cherish...
But what i decipher most is that... YOU JUST NEED A GOOD DAY OF SHOPPING!! GET OUT AND GET SOMETHING REALLY FAB FOR YOURSELF which goes along well with hijab..and Inshallah you'll be a happy person! cuz you knw whenever i'v had hijab cribby days, it was ALWAYS cuz i didn't have something stylish to wear...and THEN that got translated into, "Whats the need of it anyway.."
I'm really sorry if i've dissected you :( i don't mean to over-simplify your problems.. i really kinda understand ur rant here.. cuz its somewhere i've been..
But u wanna know a secret?-- It REALLY gets better! And making it better is alll in your hands! :)
Love,
Splendid! :)
Cairo: I'm just in a fashion rut. Which is funny because I have TONS of stuff for my fashion blog LOL.
ReplyDeleteAn abaya on the beach would look ridiculous. My one friend has a really good solution for beachwear. She wears an oversized t-shirt and boys swim shorts. The shorts come mid calf, sleeves to teh elbow. She still wears her scarf but she doesn't stick out because there are other people on the beach dressed the same way. And yes haram police I know that is NOT "proper" hijab.
Splendid: I think a shopping day is in order LOL. Im just in a rut. Ive had a really hard month and right now everything looks too hard. And the scarf and I are just not getting along. It would probably help if I believed the scarf was obligatory but right now i dont. That is probably the issue.
Im glad you find it so fabulous! And I am glad it does get better.
This was a very honest post. You obviously know that you have this desire to be seen as the fashionista you once were, and that this is not the best reason to dress a certain way, but considering you aren't Muslim, I see no reason that makes it important for you to continue wearing hijab. Even if you drop hijab and dress modestly (which I agree is relative to where you live) you are doing nothing that goes against what you believe in. You would still be true to yourself by being modest.
ReplyDeleteWow! I'm blown away by your honesty. I wish I was like that when I was your age. I wasn't so honest :(
ReplyDeleteI published something on my old blog once. I'll reproduce the last few lines for you:
"Over the years Muslim writers and historians started confusing Islamic injunctions regarding clothing with traditional norms associated with garments for men and women...It is important for Muslim women to wear modest clothes so that they do not attract undue attention. That is an Islamic obligation.But now that Islam is no more confined to Arabia, that modest garment does not have to Arabic and certainly does not have to be monolithic." (http://achelois.wordpress.com/2009/02/04/uniforming-the-muslim-women/)
I think a headscarf in the West does exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to do in the first place. In the Muslim countries it takes attention away from you by making you merge with others like you, but in the West it causes people to pay more attention to a woman who is dressed differently.
I agree with Achelois. When I see a hijabi (head scarf wearer), I am immediately drawn to her because they are rare in my area. (Maybe not yours so much.) I think you can be modest without drawing attention to yourself if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteCandice: Just because you can doesn't mean you should :) I rarely wear the scarf, I mostly just follow clothing obligations. Dont get me wrong I like dressing modestly but the hijab rules can be a little confining. Yet if you look at countries like Malaysia or England you'd think their Muslims have different rules than the middle eastern muslims...and that is partially because they do have different rules because modesty has a different definition.
ReplyDeleteAchelois: I can agree with that statement 100% I do think it works opposite in the West and the problem is the hirer ups of the religion live in the East, are men, and thus don't see the problem.
Susanne: Yeah people totally stare, especially when you are white and blue eyed like myself. It attracts a lot of unwanted attention. Its working against me a lot of time. I can wear my hair in a bun every day and achieve the same modesty effect that you can get with a scarf in the East.
Problem is I like the scarf LOL, I like how it looks. But it causes so much trouble :( I could loose my job, it can keep me from getting a job, cause issues with my parents, make me loose friends, etc. Im not sure a scarf is worth all that. But that is the problem: right now its "just a scarf" to me. if it meant more to me Im sure Id want to fight for it.
BTW a lot of muslim countries won't let you wear a scarf/ women just don't wear a scarf. Turkey and Pakistan are two of them. Turkey banned it and barely anyone wears one in Pakistan. Indian muslims rarely wear one. My Love's mother didn't wear it till she moved here. Same with Sr. A. She didn't wear it till she left Iran (1990s)
ReplyDeleteFar as I know, my friends, customers and even my parents all like my scarf and think it looks pretty. And I'm talking even about people who are really anti-hijab and anti-religion. Now, if I believed it was obligatory, if I weren't doing it voluntarily, that would change a lot... But it is voluntary for me. My biggest problem is that the scarf (or at least the underscarf) gets yucky so quickly unless you wash your hair just about every day - and I have A LOT of hair... I admit to having become lazy about the form, and even about wearing it at all when I'm home alone (as is typical for Christians who cover).
ReplyDeleteActually a lot of women are wearing scarves in Pakistan. The situation is a lot different because Pakistan has well-arranged social strata. The poor always cover their heads; it is a sign of respect for the rich. They will not even know the five pillars or will actually be Christian but will cover their heads with duppatta or shawl.
ReplyDeleteThe middle class often wore burka at one time, but now they wear a loose scarf AND a duppatta across the chest.
The elite never covered their heads but they are doing that now because of Wahabi influence from the US.
In India the middle and upper class Muslims don’t cover their heads but the poor wear a burka.
Most people who migrated to the Western countries got stuck in a time capsule and didn’t integrate with the local population (not assimilate but integrate) hence they had a different notion of national identity. While they want to be American or British nationals, they also want a link to their roots which is exhibited in the form of visual representation of the women in scarves.
I still insist that every woman who decides to wear a scarf at least in the West must consider the history of hijab. It is fascinating and offers an insight into the reason why hijab became necessary. For those same reasons, they should not wear scarves in the West.
Also wanted to add that I wore scarf for some six years. Apart from the fact that it caused a severe rash, I was really put off by it when I found out that the awrah of a slave woman was different from that of a free woman. It really upset me to learn that Muslim men didn't treat all women with respect. I hate division and class system and while there is a lot of lip service about how everyone is treated the same in Islam, this difference in the awrah of slave and free women is a major proof that there is strict hierarchy in Islam. That is when I took it off for good.
ReplyDeleteAchelois: Well if you looked at picks from my friends' family members in Pakistan you'd think they never wear scarves. And the ones I have seen wear them dont wear them in an "Islamic" way. They wear it like indian women with the front of the hair showing and it loosely draped on the head.
ReplyDeleteIts hard because islam comes from a culture HEAVILY embedded in a class system. So something is bound to have gotten wrapped into the religion. Luckily, we dont have slaves anymore, in the US at least. I understand what you mean though, that topic is part of one or two of the verses in the Qur'an that bug me. Like they had to respect them but not as much as free women. But I dont get slavery so....
You did say you felt it was necessary at one time. May I ask why? I think I knew why once, but I just can't find it anymore. I feel that right now in the West, the scarf has the opposite effect. It makes you immodest because it makes you stand out so much.
All depends how you wear it. Being quite as tall as I am, I will turn heads pretty much wherever I go. The only question is whether I will turn heads for looking good or looking 'plain'.
ReplyDeleteI didn't feel it was required, or maybe I didn't know about hijab and didn't care. It was like wearing a bra - you see a friend wearing one and want a bra too!
ReplyDeleteI began attending a Sunday class with a Palestinian girl who became my best friend. She wore a scarf and I began wearing one too but didn't like it much. However, I wore it only when I went to Sunday school :) After about 5-6 years I began researching why I was wearing it and stopped because nothing was making sense.
Achelois: Ah yeah I totally understand that. Part of my need to wear it is so I can remain in good standing with my muslim friends. They all wear it. So does My Love's family...although sometimes i think his sis doesn't want to. Its really important to his mom.
ReplyDeleteFirst- I love your blog. It is so honest and realistic!
ReplyDeleteSecond- I think all the thoughts that were on my mind after reading your post have be pre-commented by others. There's nothing much new that I can add. :) I just wanted to say I'd felt the exact same way sometime ago and wasn't too sure about hijab (I wear a scarf and Abaya) I was frustrated with my wardrobe and hated how I looked almost the same everyday when all my friends were sporting trendy and cool (yet modest) clothes.. (I had the whole no-one-compliments-me-anymore thing going on in my head with the oh-man-I-can-NEVER-wear-all-those-clothes) I'd stopped wearing Abaya&scarf for a while. After giving my break-from-hijab time 5 to 7 weeks I thought (A LOT) about why I donned hijab in the first place and (after giving it some MORE thinky time)decided I wanted to wear it. Boy was it hard to go back to my Abaya but I a tiny part of me somewhere deep inside liked it. I think it was and still is hard for me because no one in my family or friends cover their head nor do they support my choice for doing it (with a few exceptions). Banana Anne has stated all my reasons for wearing the hijab again!!! :D
I hope all goes well with you and you get out of the fashion rut/mid-religion crisis!! :) BTW, LOVE RTV!!!!!!!!! Please don't stop posting them! ^_^
Nafisa: WELCOME. Yes I actually wore it today and I started remembering why I liked it in the first place. Im very tired but tomorrow I will post on the lecture I attended. It had to do with Women as the catalylist of religious movement.
ReplyDeleteOh RTV wont stop. It WONT! I have a 5 pager coming and hopefully i can do a new one this weekend. I love Elle and Minnie too much to stop. Minnie gets in so much trouble LOL
heart and soul: Aw what a lovely story :) Yes you are right, if i felt it pleased Allah I would become pleased with it.
ReplyDeleteLK, I really appreciated your honesty in this post, and also reading the comments from other women who have struggled with hijab and come to different decisions.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't believe that hijab (or anything that is different for men than women) is obligatory. In fact, if I thought the Qur'an obligated women to wear it I would not have become Muslim, because I can't believe that Allah, who has no gender and created men and women equal, would single women out in this way.
However, at first I struggled with thinking that I might be this renegade Muslim just rejecting something because of my own feminist beliefs. So I kept doing research to find out what Muslim scholars have written about this issue. Among the many things I came across, the one I would most recommend is a lecture by UCLA law professor Khaled Abou el Fadl about hijab. He convinced me that it is a historical, culture-bound construct. He has a website called Scholar of the House where you can buy his audio lectures. (I can't seem to paste links here.) He is classically trained and follows very rigorous classical interpretive methods to demonstrate this.
Knowing now that modesty, not specifically hijab, is decreed for men and women has given me more flexibility in my approach. I live in LA where people run around half naked most of the year, so I can definitely buy the idea that modesty is location and culture-specific. Here I usually wear long sleeves, long shirts or dresses that cover my butt over jeans or loose pants. I will probably wear capris pants in the summer when it starts to get really hot; I don't believe my ankles are more risque than a Muslim man's ankles, and I know they will be wearing shorts. I usually do cover my hair, but with a scarf tied in a bun, not full hijab. If my top is too open at the neck I might wear another scarf draped around my neck. But I don't let myself be concerned about whether my wrists show or little details like that.
However, I spend part of each year in Zanzibar, where my husband is from, and there I dress more conservatively, never wearing pants or short sleeves, and sometimes wearing hijab. I do so in order to fit in, respect the local culture, and please my in-laws; and not to please Allah.
I appreciate the freedom of knowing that I can choose how to dress modestly in different situations, that there is no compulsion in Islam, and that Allah makes things easy for us. Allahu alim.
Zuhura: You dress like I do now lol. I have heard a great deal about this scholar I will certainly look up the lecture.
ReplyDeleteI agree, modesty is obligatory but if, in your culture, covering your hair is not part of modesty then it is hard for me to find the scarf to be obligatory as well. I do think a muslim woman shouldn't run around getting $200 hair cuts with fancy highlights and spend hours on her hair....because that is not modest. But I also don't think it necessarily needs to be completely covered. I have pretty much decided not to feel guilty when I can't wear it, its not worth it for me.
Although to be honest if the US didnt have such an issue with the scarf I'd probably feel more comfortable in it. Im already tired of the evil glares.
Move to Krakow. It's crawling with nuns, you'll fit right in! If you don't dress TOO plain, then people will think it's a fashion statement and that it looks pretty. So much of it is how you relate to your manner of clothing - if, for example, you decide to wear a hijab on your head. If you feel normal about it, that will show. And people will be more inclined to view it as normal. And it is also helpful to lower one's gaze so that one does not notice any 'evil glares' even if they are there.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe it's obligatory either. But I wear it anyway, because I like it and prefer it that way. It's a good way to create a sacred space for yourself that you can carry around even when you aren't in a building or other space that is normally used for sacred purposes.