I will never get to wear this dress again if I become a muslim.
The shock hit me like a ton of bricks. I won't wear this dress again. This gorgous, modest by American standards dress. This dress I love. I realized there were a few other skirts that come just below the knee and other dresses I also won't be able to wear because Islam does not consider tights to be proper lower leg covering. I realized that many of my gorgous, modest long semi-formal dresses will never be worn without a cardigan over them. That the beautiful details at the neck and shoulders, the parts that make the dress, will never be seen. My heart sank when I realized that my choice will be taken away from me. Right now, modesty is a choice. But as a muslim, its an obligation. And I wonder if, as an obligation, it will eventually become a burden. A bitter, unhappy burden. All because it is no longer my choice.
In "Even Angels Ask" Jeffery Lang talks about how much more difficult converting to Islam is for women mostly due to two factors: foreign cultural standards in the Islamic community and the drastic physical changes a muslim woman convert has to make. He mentions that the Islamic community should lighten up so to speak when involving female converts. That they should be sympathetic when she cannot wear the veil or feels the need to wear tights so she can put on her favorite skirt that is only a few inches too short. He emphasizes the need for understanding, support and balance all of which are not present for converts in the majority of muslim communities. THANK GOD the community I am in is so supportive. Insha'Allah I will get the opportunity to thank them when I give a speech in the coming months.
So what I wonder from any of you is: Did modesty become a burden once it became an obligation?
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I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, that modesty has not become a burden. Before I became a Muslim I dressed pretty modestly (long sleeves and long pants), and after becoming Muslim I just added a headscarf, loosened up my shirts, and added more skirts/jilbabs to my wardrobe. The change was definitely different, but in a good way. Sure, there are some occasions where it would be easier not to observe hijab, but these instances are few and far between. As I'm sure you know, there are definitely ways to wear seemingly non-hijab friendly clothes, even fancy dresses.
ReplyDeleteDressing modestly will still be your choice if you become Muslim. ALLAH says that "there is no compulsion in religion", meaning no one can be forced to do anything, otherwise the action is meaningless. Although there are modesty guidelines in Islam, they are still guidelines, and it is up to each individual whether they will follow them or not, and to what extent.
I guess what I'm trying to say is not to worry about it too much. I personally think that the clothing issue in Islam is waaaay too overrated/emphasized far too much when there are so many other important issues to tackle. After all, no matter which way you slice it, they're just clothes. They can never fully represent what is in our hearts. You really can't judge a book by its cover.
I think that before converting to Islam and before starting to wear hijab, a lot of women think that if they'll start wearing hijab, they'll probably feel like "oh no I won't be wearing my pretty dresses anymore!" but after having fully understood the purpose of Islamic hijab, the importance of modesty and the high status of women in Islam, they actually want to cover up their entire bodies and wear hijab.
ReplyDeleteWearing hijab doesn't mean saying goodbye to all the glamorous princess like dresses, Muslim women just don't wear those to outside so that everyone can look at them, but instead we wear those at home for our own husbands. Come on why would any woman want some strange man looking at her and enjoying her beauty? That's something for the husband only :) So, my advice would be, don't worry about it too much, but focus on studying the purpose of hijab and inshallah you'll feel much better about it :) And remember that a Muslim woman can also get dressed up and glamorous, for their own husbands or ladies only events.
I feel that for a Muslim, modesty is a choice. She can choose to fulfil the obligation or choose not to! Right now, I choose to dress modestly, but I choose to not wear the headscarf... I choose to slowly add more skirts and wider pants, along with wider tops to my wardrobe, and all this while Muslim. There is no reason for things to stop being chosen.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think there is one standard for modesty. If Saudi had it their way, then a niqab means modesty. If Holland had it their way, then modesty would mean something else. There are 6 billion different versions of modesty, so why can't we all follow our own intuition?
ReplyDeleteSo many Muslim women are so hard on themselves when it comes to what they wear, and this is especially the case amongst converts. In Egypt it was rare to see my Muslim girl friends worrying about not wearing a dress to their knees or a sleeveless top - and yes, they were religious. We just all have different ideas. I've never heard of the tights thing before either...
Of course with hijab it is different. But if you don't wear hijab, then I don't think it so clear cut what is modest and what isn't.
What I would do with that dress is wear trousers underneath it. Probably ones that taper at the ankle and are not TOO wide, but still wide enough not to show the shape of my legs. A pair of not too tight churidars, for example.
ReplyDeleteIf the dress were fitted, I'd wear a jacket over it - one long enough obviously to cover the details of the figure that are exposed, but proportionate to the length of the dress. In view of the neckline details, I would wear a jacket that covers the bust, but leaves space in the middle to display the details.
This might entail a creative closure to keep the jacket from flying open at an inopportune time - perhaps a loose-fitting wide belt that 'keeps it together' but conceals the shape of the waistline.
Then I'd put an amira on *under* the dress, and perhaps a nice hat over the amira. Alternatively, I could put a long-sleeved item under the dress (if it is short-sleeved) and drape a hijab over all this in such a way as to reveal the neckline details but cover the bustline.
Or, if the dress is loose enough, put that shirt underneath (perhaps sleeveless should the dress be long-sleeved) and treat it as part of a multi-piece jilbab.
So as you can see, there are a lot of possible solutions. I think any of these would be suitable for indoor wear, as they would cover everything.
Indeed, if you did it right and the dress wasn't form-fitting, you could even probably cover all parts with two layers of fabric, without covering up the dress basically at all. Failing that, I would no doubt wear a jilbab over it outside.
So there you have it - don't feel you need to get rid of the dress to be modest.
Another thing, while I think of it: it is one thing to 'push the envelope' while remaining as you are at the core, and quite another to pressure yourself to convert. Please please please do not pressure yourself.
Remember: there is no compulsion in religion. That goes for how you treat yourself as well as how others treat you. Everything you do has to come out of your relationship with God - be done for Him and no other reason.
Looking back at old photos, and going through my wardrobe, I notice that I became a lot more modest over time. I used to wear things - even in Algeria! - that I would now feel self-conscious in. Changing slowly and naturally over time makes it pretty much painless. Don't force yourself to do it overnight (or at all).
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies for your comments. It is not that I force my self to dress modestly. It is my preference, has been since high school . What bothers me is I will no longer have the choice to wear the dress the way it is meant to be worn if I please. Its a control thing LOL because most likely I wouldn't wear it since its short and sleeveless but I want to hold on to the OPINION. Crazy I know :)
ReplyDeleteCaraboska: I'm actually feeling no pressure to convert from anyone at this time. Its more of pressure of what I would have to do if I converted. Rules I would have to follow because of the insane pressure from the community (hijab, music, relationships with male friends etc). But pressure to covert: None there. :) I'm really quite at peace with my position on that at the moment. I, like Jeffery Lang discribes, think and feel just like most who get interested in Islam. We have ups, we have downs, and its ok. There are thousands of us and I am certainly not alone.
Brilliant book btw everyone read it!
Yep, I think it's making the commitment that is difficult. I like being able to choose to dress modest most of the time and occasionally wear something different if I feel like it. I feel that people will still view me as a modest person overall.
ReplyDeleteSarah: Yeah that's probably it. Like, I know i would never wear it unless it was a family event (which is when I wore it last) or a girl's party...but I still want the option. LOL that doesn't make much sense does it?
ReplyDeleteI can probably do what Caraboska suggested and turn it into a top.
When one gets nervous, one starts to get REALLY nit-picky you know?
I understand. My bridal shower is this Sunday and prior to Islam I would have bought a cute new dress to wear to it. Now that I'm Muslim, cute dresses that are appropriate are very hard to come by. I put together an outfit that's almost hijab friendly (the skirt shows more of my ankles than I would normally show) and it's -alright.- But it is a women only event and I'd like to wear something "cuter," you know? I can't, though, because we rented a local church hall and we have no idea who will be there to let us in (man or woman) as well as who might be walking through or stopping by to pick up their mom, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc....
ReplyDeleteIf I was "out" as a Muslim, I could just wear my abaya over it and then take it off when the area was "secure." (lol, meaning free of non-mahrams) I'm not, though, and the sight of me in an abaya would cause quite an uproar. :/
Getting dressed in the morning is MUCH harder than it used to be. I am honestly uncomfortable in my old clothes, though. Although my wardrobe has been cut in half, which is an inconvenience, I would no longer choose to wear those clothes anyway in public. Where I used to feel modest in a knee length skirt, now I feel almost naked!
I do still wear 3/4 sleeves to teach. The only two men I ever encounter (besides students) are the janitor and the principal, and to be honest I don't think they've ever even noticed what I was or was not wearing. I went to the university in 3/4 sleeves the other day, and since it was an environment with more men (especially more men my age ) I felt incredibly exposed, just because my forearms and hair were showing! A Muslim woman in full hijab walked by and instead of thinking as I used to "oh, she must be so hot," instead I was jealous that she was free to cover herself without judgment from her family.
Funny how our perceptions change. It takes time. A new skirt or tunic purchase usually cheers me up a bit when I'm getting down about my wardrobe. I wouldn't call it a burden, though. It's more a burden because my family doesn't want me to stand out as a MUSLIM, so I have to dress conservatively while "blending in" so to speak. That's hard to do, especially in the summer. I'd rather throw on a light abaya and call it a day...
Nikki: I think you hit the nail on the head. Its hard to balance both worlds. And I too would have a hard time walking out of the house in a knee length skirt...Im not sure I could do it either. I too wish it was acceptable to walk out in an abaya and call it a day lol.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, if more women tried them they might become all the rage. So comfy
It requires a certain daring to pull off an abaya in public, but I am 100% sure I can do it, so it's only a matter of actually acquiring one (or more :D ). Also, there are abayat and abayat. Obviously if you want a more 'closeted' effect, you aren't probably going to wear a black one unless it's ENCRUSTED with colorful embroidery (Swarovskis would probably look too Gulfy :D)
ReplyDeleteI have the additional problem of being Christian. While I like some of the black abayat, I'd worry about looking like someone I'm not, and consider wearing some sort of signal on my person to identify my religion. But on the other hand, I admit to wondering if that wouldn't make things worse...
All that having been said, abaya shaped caftans were all the rage a few decades ago, indeed I just found a wonderful abaya pattern by... Chado Ralph Rucci - in Vogue's latest collection, no less! The minute it goes on sale, I'm buying it insha'Allah!
Caraboska: The caftan is back, I noticed that too! I kinda want one lol.
ReplyDeleteIve seen a lot of abaya that dont look like abaya, they appear like dresses. Shukr has a lot of those (Shukr's fit like dresses too). Those are much less obvious than the traditional back abaya. And pretty lol
I got a couple of lovely abayas from East Essence which I wear like dresses with a coat on top. People have even said "I like your dress". I love wearing them for a day or two and then switch back to jeans. :)
ReplyDeleteSarah: There stuff is super cute! I keep thinking of getting an inexpensive one from there and doing some sewing to change it up. :)
ReplyDeleteJust came home from the market a little while ago, one of the sales ladies was fussing over my hijab because she thought it looked pretty :D I had thought she was looking a little doubtfully at me before, but then I was having trouble figuring out whether they had any caramel-filled chocolates in stock, so I asked for her help, and she was so nice... Alas there were no caramel-filled chocolates, so I contented myself with a Magnum white chocolate ice cream pop to occupy myself with on the way home. I had also bought some pasta and sauce, and some raspberry sherbet - which latter I consumed at least a pint of before digging into the new Uncle Ben's Thai Curry sauce (with some corn thrown in), which is surprisingly good btw...
ReplyDeleteTomorrow and the next day the city will be more or less closed to mourn our late president and his wife. Was going to go down to the Market Square (instead of watching online) because I wanted to see Barack Obama (and maybe Prince Charles too, why not?) in person, but in the end, I figured that spending the whole day standing up, with my circulation, just to see the man for something like 10 seconds... Nah. Hopefully God willing Barack Obama will come back to visit and give a speech on the Market Square, like Hillary Clinton did back when she was First Lady...
Caraboska: Random but I realized that one of the pics on Hijab High is you!!!! Fab outfit my dear :)
ReplyDeleteIBBA, Oh, my, I thought I'd announced that here! Yes, it is true there is a pic of me there. That skirt unfortunately wore out during my recent trip to the States. Right now its place is being taken by a black mid-calf length wool knit skirt a friend recently gave me because it was too big for her.
ReplyDeleteToday's look paired that with a brown 'smoking jacket' with a wide black belt at the waist to keep it from flying open, and my favorite giant cream tatted lace tablecloth as a hijab. Long necklace of giant brown beads peeking out from under the hijab. Huge (4"/10 cm) gold-colored 'windowpane' earrings matching the square tatted design on the hijab, inserted through the hijab and the amira into my earlobes. It was this latter detail in particular that caught the sales lady's attention...
And right this second, the look is completed with a huge, elegant brown and black striped cat with white socks and white 'tux shirt', curled up in my lap, trying to help me write this, and a spunky little brown and black striped and spotted kitty dozing contentedly on the couch to our left. The one with gold eyes, the other with gold-green eyes. Both with cute little pink noses. These elements, of course, are exclusively for indoors :D
That Vogue/Butterick/McCall's sale I've been waiting for is on - today only! Go for it - 4.50 USD/pattern (full list price up to 30 USD), even less if you join the BMV club :)
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