What Do I Say...

I go home in a little over a week for Christmas. I am already anxious about having another talk with my parents. I know that I most likely will, and should, speak to at least my mother again on the subject. I want to take a different approach than what it seems most people did. I want to keep my parents in the loop on my progress. I so badly just want to be honest with them. I feel that giving them information a little at a time is going to be much better in the long run then coming home one day and going "hi I'm a muslim now!". Yes, giving them information over time and having multiple discussions is harder on me but in the end I think it will help to preserve our relationship.

Did I ever speak about how I told them of my interest initially? They had just met My Love, he came to a wedding with us and then my parents stayed in the city for a few days to visit. It had been their anniversary and I wrote them a letter thanking them for being so kind to My Love and for not shunning him because of his religion. For being accepting and for allowing me to explore. Yes, this did result in my mother freaking out but it opened up a dialogue. It also lead to me meeting his parents (not having met his parents was the one thing both my parents had issues with).

This has lead to a couple uncomfortable discussions with my mother but I truly feel honesty is the best policy. I want to sit her down and say:

"Mom, I know you are unhappy with my interest in being muslim. I'm sorry it hurts you. This truly does not have anything to do with me getting married. I just want what is best for me and this might be it. This does not mean I have anything against Christianity, Christianity is great. Its just not for me. I have more studying to do and I am working on that. I have a few things I still need to figure out but I want to be honest with you and say I am considering converting. This has nothing to do with being against you or Christianity, its just about me and God. I don't want to hurt you or Dad, I don't want to make things difficult for you. I will do my best to find a way to make things as easy for you as possible. I am sorry, I wish this could only be hard on me. Please just try to accept this and work with me on it instead of against me. I don't want to loose you over this."

I don't know what to do. I so desperately want it out in the open. I'm so tired of lying, both to my parents and his. I have to be one person with my parents, another with his parents. One person with my non muslim friends, and another with my muslim friends. I want to be myself, always. Not just when it is convenient for everyone else. Right now, the main thing holding me back is a fear that I could loose my parents. If I can lessen that fear I will be able to think more clearly.

My God help me. May God make it easy for me. I thank God for the ease he has given me. May God lessen the burden on my parents and help them find a way to understand. May God accept my plea to be closer to him and to find my way.

May God help us all in our journey.

Amen

Happy Hannukkah!

Happy first night of Hannukkah!


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanukkah

Sura Al-'Ankabut

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Raheem

29: 41

The parable of those who
take protectors other than God
is that of the spider
who buids
a house: but truly
the flimsiest of houses
is the spider's house
if they but knew

29:46

And dispute ye not
with the People of the book, except
with means better
unless
it be with those of them
who inflict wrong (and injury)
but say "We believe
in the revelation which has
come down to us and in that which
came down to you:

our God is is your God
is One: and it is to Him
we bow

29:63

And if needed thou ask them

who it is that sends down

rain from the sky

and gives life therewith

to the earth after its death

They will certainly reply

"God" Say "praise be to God!" But most

of them understand not

In Your Element

When I was a teen I went to these things called anime conventions. Yes I was one of those people they call cosplayers (dress up as anime characters in costume). When I got older I began to work the artist alley. I would go to a convention once a year and I spent that entire year preparing for it. I used all my extra money to make my costumes or gather supplies for my art work, paying great attention to every detail. My friend and I spent hours discussing what we would do, planning skits with our group, and even having meetings with the group online.

All this effort for three days of greatness. For 72 hours I had a place where I totally fit and could be completely myself. These people enjoyed the same things I enjoyed, thought the same way I thought, were all about the same things as me. For three days I was in my element, feeling complete bliss like I could take over the world. It was such a joy to spend time with these people. A happiness high so to speak. But after 72 hours I would go home. Then I would plan, wait, and pine for next year's convention.

I am getting the exact same feeling from school. I now spend all week yurning to go and spend time with the people at the school. I spend a lot of time thinking about what we will do next week, what I can learn, observing prayer etc. I go through my scarf collection trying to decide what one I want to wear and check out my abayas to make an outfit. I only get to wear my scarf once a week and I get very excited about being able to do so. Same with the abaya. Part of the reason I really want to learn to pray is so I can go to the school's mosque during the week just to be in that environment more than once a week.

Only difference is I should feel horribly out of place at school and I don't. I feel in place, comfortable. I feel like I am with a group of people that get me. I am way more comfortable there than with most other persons who want to go drinking or clubbing or talk all day about boys. I should be out of place and I am not. I don't know what to do with that. But I do know I am very happy.

Insha'Allah my prayer cheat sheets will work fine and I can start learning to pray soon so I can go to the mosque more often. My Love does not know what he is getting him self into with me. I'm going to wake him for fajr, drag him to the mosque on all the holy days and lectures, and most likely make him come with me to the mosque for evening prayer. I warned him that the danger of marrying a convert is they want to do EVERYTHING.

We shall see.

A little Confusion

I've been a bit confused lately and it seems to be confusing all of you as well. I've been getting quite a few messages asking me if I've become muslim. The answer is I have not. I did go back and look at my last few posts and can totally see where everyone is getting this. They sure sound like I have become muslim. I am stuck in this weird middle ground at the moment. Not Christian, not a muslim. I more often say "we do this" in reference to Islam and "They do this" in reference to Christianity. I have also been doing a lot of "if I am muslim" senrios. I've just been thinking a lot about it and all has been going so well. Allah has made this so far easy for me. I have been able to have a dialogue with my family who says they won't disown me, I have a loving man to teach me and support me, a school to learn from with wonderful helpful people, and many mosques nearby. Halaal food is easily accessable, muslims are common in my area, and modest clothing can be found. My studies have been mostly productive in a good sense, with very few disagreements. I am actually waiting for something terrible to happen. It seems so off balance, all these good things.

I finally feel like after 10 years of looking I am on the right track. I am so excited about that. I have looked so long for peace and understanding in religion. I now stand on the brink of finding an answer which is both exciting and terrifying. I never expected to find anything. Now every day I get closer to Allah and my answers.

Isha'Allah Allah will make it easy for me. I am waiting for a revelation so to speak. I just know that one day, I will know without a doubt what to do. Then I will make plans for what to do next. I just know that right now is not the right time. Not for me, My Love, or my family. There is much still to do. I have to finish the Qur'an, learn to pray, and learn to at least pronounce Arabic. I can't even say the Shahada properly. I'm pretty sure I should wait till I can say it! My family also has to have more time to get use to the idea and My Love needs a little time to figure out what he wants to do if I do become muslim. We need to be careful about the engagement so people do not think I became muslim just to marry him. All needs to be handled in a delicate manner.

I want to thank everyone for all the support you have given me and continue to give me.

Salaam

Keeping Christmas

Yes you heard me right, I’m keeping Christmas. Christmas will not mean the same thing to me as a muslim but I need to keep it for a few reasons.

As a muslim, Christmas is about celebrating your family and friends. By giving gifts you show the other person you appreciate them and care for them. It’s a lovely guesture of good will. It can also still be Jesus’ birthday. Nothing wrong with saying “Happy Birthday Jesus” even if its totally at the wrong time of year. I just won’t be celebrating the birth of God’s son/God born on earth. I also will not be attending mass unless I can sit in the back and just watch.

I have to come home to celebrate Christmas. My refusal to come home or acknowledge Christmas would be grounds for disownment by my parents. They would say I am denying my upbringing and my culture. They would also take it as a deep person insult. Obivously, none of these things are worth taking a stand against Christmas.

Also, I just love Christmas. It’s happy and colorful. I get to see all my extended family that I never see otherwise. I get to buy gifts for people which I LOVE. It’s a beautiful time of year about peace and joy.

I worry about when I have children with Christian grandparents. Eid will never be as cool as Christmas and my parents might want to do Santa Claus. I suppose I would tackle that when it came.

There are a few things I will have to cut out though. The decorations that cannot be considered winter will have to go. Luckily, I don’t have religious decorations or Santas. The hardest will be the tree. I’m use to having it and I have so many beautiful ornaments including a 20+ year collection of Peanuts ornaments. I love my tree. Its warm and beautiful and reminds me of my childhood. I asked my Love about it and although he likes the tree he thinks it would be inappropriate. I warned him that I will have to replace Christmas with something and that something will be Eid ul Fitr. He said that was fine as long as I didn’t try to put up an Eid Tree. I will have to keep a tree around though just in case my parents visit during December. They will still expect me to have a tree. The reaction to not having one could be horribly damaging.

So the question is: How can you adopt some Christmas traditions into Eid and what do you do with all that Christmas stuff? Here are a few suggestions:

1) Ramadan Calendar – Many of us had those awesome Advent calendars with the chocolate. For Eid ul Fitr 2010, I plan to make a cloth Ramadan calendar with pockets. I know that Ramadan can vary in how long it is so I will make the max number of pockets and pin a little moon with a star to the day for Eid. That allows the day to change. I will have some sort of marker to move pocket to pocket and fill the pockets with dates to break the fast. I think it will be super cute. A great idea if you have children.

2) Donation Box – Want something to decorate? Make a donation box. Decorate the box however you like. You can then do the following: Add the money into it you would normally spend on lunch, put all your change to accumulate through Ramadan into the box etc. It will be fun and then you can donate the money to a good cause. Another great idea if you have children.

3) Ornaments – what to do with them. Well you could use them as Eid decorations if they are just colored balls. Otherwise, if you have a collection like I do get a cabinet with a glass door and display them all year round. Or you could give them to family members or a good cause.

4) The tree – There isn’t much you can do with a tree. My tree is only 1.5 feet tall so I am going to turn it into a cute all year round decoration with some birds and cloth to hide the base.

5) Decorations that are more winter themed should be permissible. Just make sure they aren’t too christmasy.

6) I know it is not traditional to give gifts for Eid. I will, however, be doing so. I love giving presents, I figure no one will object.

7) I will still give gifts to my family. Christmas will be about celebrating them and my friends. I will no longer expect to get gifts though which makes me sad. I look forward to my Christmas check. I could see my mother withholding that from me after my conversion.

8) Many churches have something called a giving tree which has names of people in need and a list of what they need. Ask your mosque or local center to contact a shelter and see if they can get a list of people who need. People need help more than once a year after all.

So those are some suggestions and things I would do.

Any more suggestions? Anyone have any advice about dealing with Christian family members and Christmas as a muslim?

Eid ul Ghadir

Is Eid ul Ghadir tomorrow, Dec 8? I think it is.

Anyone know?