I have not, until now, been able to understand why a husband would want his wife to wear a scarf in America. Let's face it. America does not like the scarf. It makes it hard to get a job, people stare at you constantly, and often you feel as though you might be in danger. At least, this is how I feel. And I couldn't understand why My Love was perfectly ok with me feeling this way. Why was the scarf so important to him that he could dismiss how I feel? How I feel scared and in danger?
I could only think of three reasonings:
1) Because Shariah says so
2)Because he wants to make sure his wife is for his eyes only (possession)
3)Because his family will think less of me/community will think less of me if I don't
So I asked him. Up until now I only got "Because you are suppose to". Which, in my opinion, is not a good enough reason to do anything. So asked him to really, fully tell me why he wants me to wear a scarf so badly. Why is it so important that it can make or break a marriage.
So he told me. And it was fascinating. So fascinating I wanted to share it will all of you because now I understand the scarf so much better than I did before.
1) To protect the wife from the eyes of men. Men will look and he does not want his wife disrespected in such a way. The scarf hides a lot of the natural beauty of a woman removing a lot of unwanted sexual attention. It can protect the wife from unwanted advances.
2) It covers the hair which is one of the most sexual parts of a woman's body. It excentuates all her features and makes her more alluring. By wearing the scarf it tones down the woman's natural beauty and prevents unwanted advances. (I think a bun achieves a similar effect)
3) He wants his wife to get the respect she deserves. Now I don't think the scarf commands respect in this country but I understand where he is coming from. At least I would be well respected in the muslim community. And most men would leave me alone or at least speak respectfully to me.
4) He feels it is a major part of the religion. Now this I am not so sure of (No you do not need to quote hadiths at me) but I can see where he is coming from. From his perspective, the most important part of hijab is the scarf. I think the most important part is how you conduct yourself. But we all have differences of opinion.
I'm sure it also has to do with how his parents and community would see me. But it seems to be a small part since he is willing to allow me to go to work and see my family without it. But its made me realize again why its important and why I need to give it a second chance.
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That's great that he gave you the actual reasons why he thinks it's best for you to wear the scarf. Masha'Allah, they seem like pretty noble intentions, i.e. he wants you to be respected.
ReplyDeleteAside from number #4, (and I disagree with #2) I think all of these can be achieved just by dressing modestly. There seems to be this weird either/or situation that arises in the Muslims community: either you wear abaya and hijab, or you go prancing about in bikini. Either you are a slave to fashion to you don the niqab. Either you cover completely, or men mob you in the streets. It's such a false dichotomy. There are a lot of women out there that wear what they think is pretty and comfortable, and are completely within the bounds of modesty within Amercan society.
ReplyDeleteIn the US, the hijab doesn't necessarily offer any extra respect or protection. It does, however, instantly identify you as a Muslim.
OumAmir: I agree with you. I think most of these things can be achieved with modest dress but at least I understand some people's reasonings behind the scarf now.
ReplyDeleteYeah in the US it really doesn't give you any extra respect or protection, it sometimes puts you in danger.
I too think the scarf has limited effect in the west because western men are generally quite respectful anyway. Maybe men in Muslim cultures need the scarf to remind them to have respect, but western men generally don't. Besides, for most women it's not the end of the world if you get a look from a guy or even an advance which you can politely refuse ;-)
ReplyDeleteSarah: Thats all true too...I think it ultimately has to do with identifying yourself as a muslim...yet the men don't do anything to be identified. Its like a double standard. But has good points...I'll write a post on that later.
ReplyDeleteIf I was in the middle east or even Malaysia Id wear it. Maybe even some parts of England. But its NORMAL there. Its hard here. I am glad I live in a muslim neighborhood though it gives me a chance to try it out without much worry. Since its normal wear I live, just not normal where I work and play.
And yes you can always politely refuse a polite advance...its the agressive ones that are tricky. But since I started dressing modestly I have not had to deal with a single agressive advance Alhumdilliah!
ReplyDeletei don't know about a bun...I think I have seen one too many movies were the librarian becomes a dominatrix. lol. That maybe an exception though.
ReplyDeleteTuttie: ROTFL
ReplyDeleteI really don't think a piece of cloth covering my head makes me much less alluring to be honest. I think lips, for example, are much more sexual. Like OumAmir said, you can be modest without covering your hair so I don't get the obsession with the veil to be honest. And if men can't look at me properly /respect me because I don't cover my hair - too bad. Why should I change? I think they should.
ReplyDeleteIf it was something clearly stated in the Qur'an, that's one thing. But it's not.
Cairo: Yeah that is one of my issues. Its not clearly stated at all. And if it was that important wouldn't God have specifically mentioned it?
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what to do about it to be honest.
Stick to your guns, and don't wear it until you're convinced otherwised. And even if you're convinced, give it two full months before you don the veil 'cause it seems that once you do, you won't be able to stop wearing it quite as easily.
ReplyDeleteYeah I dunno I wear it for things I need to wear it for now but Im not sure how I feel about it yet. Especially since I dont have to wear it (not muslim). But I get what you are saying.
ReplyDeleteA lot of Muslim women (including me) feel immense social and peer pressure to wear it, which blurs the lines between thinking it is not required and convincing yourself it must be if 95% of women do it. But the majority doing something doesn't make it right. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
ReplyDeleteI wear hijab because it is 'clothing that befits a woman who professes to worship only one God'. I feel it's more dignified somehow, if one is wearing dignified clothing not just on one's head. It does impose a certain standard of dress.
ReplyDeleteThis week I was returning home from a meeting with a Muslim friend in town. Was wearing my favorite, very ornately embellished headscarf, and as I neared my apartment building, there were a bunch of young males hanging around talking (and perhaps also smoking - by the sandbox, I kid you not).
One of them spied me walking by and said in an amazed tone, '[Mild swear word], a Muslim lady!' I walked by, drawing my 6'1" frame up to full height (she walks with queenly bearing), slowly looked over my shoulder, ever so subtly displayed my fangs (I'll be having you for dinner tonight), and in a voice dripping with both honey and vinegar (the calm before the storm) informed him, 'Christian lady'.
Now that took the cake - 'Christian lady????' You could hear his eyes popping out. I then sauntered away. Didn't feel like hanging around to chat because there were half a dozen of them and only one of me. Discretion is the better part of valor. And no (ostentatious display of fangs), no one made even the slightest move to follow me...
Caraboska: You go girl!
ReplyDeleteHuh I never thought of it that way "Clothin that befits a woman who profess to worship only one God" I really like that. A lot. Thank you
Sorry Caraboska, but I just don't think that your statement holds up, because you've completely ignored the role that culture plays into modesty. What is modest in the California is not the same as what is modest in Botswana which is not the same as what is modest in Papua New Guinea. Walking around bare breasted in Chicago would be me arrested, while the tribes in Papua New Guinea would seriously doubt if I was a woman at all because I'd be wearing a shirt, and going bare breasted is completely normal.
ReplyDeleteOumAmir, First of all, since I am a Christian my garments are more prayer garments than modesty garments. For another thing, my concept of modesty has basically nothing to do with culture - very purposely. In other words, I think that it is a good thing to ignore culture, except insofar as to meet some bare minimum. I live in a country where girls are practically falling out of their blouses and their skirts are often slit ALL THE WAY up the leg. I sure do meet that bare minimum - but I go far beyond it, because I don't want to look 'just modest'. For that reason, I would go beyond the bare minimum even in a place like Saudi. No doubt that would mean wearing niqab, perhaps even of the three-piece variety. Although given my size, even that would not REALLY help. I would still turn a lot of heads no matter what I did. Indeed, probably in a place like that which places a premium on not turning heads, it's better for me not to even set foot there...
ReplyDeletePS I did not say that this is the only variant that is 'clothing befitting a woman who professes to worship God'. There are varying opinions in what measure that concept is defined in the Bible. But somewhere in every monotheistic religion there is some concept of women covering their heads. If anything I hesitated to cover my head full-time precisely because I didn't know if it was appropriate. I did not do so until I could view it as 'exercising my right to do so' (rather than 'fulfilling some obligation').
ReplyDeleteLK I applaud you for hearing him out :) It can be hard, especially when his views don't really gel with yours.
ReplyDeleteI honestly think if you don't want to wear it, don't wear it. Wearing it for the wrong reasons will only make you hate it.
For my own self (and hair hahah), I like the headscarf in a religious sense (religious meaning all faiths)... because it improves my actions in public (I'm always remembering God). But that's just me - there are heaps of other women out there not wearing the scarf who are waaaaay more religious than I am.
Ellen: I do admit it makes me more aware of what I am doing. But yes, I can't just do it because he wants me to. And I already know that I will never be able to wear it full time anyway. Can't around my family, can't at work. So 75% of the time I can't wear it.
ReplyDeleteI do love not having to do my hair though LOL And that it doesnt fly in my face when its windy. I HATE when that happens and your bangs are in your eyes and you can't see lol
I just wore it today. It was fine. No issues, no ear pain, wasn't even hot. Was quite comfortable. But its so weird to be in a huge metropolitan area and be the only hijabi you see. And I know there are a lot of muslims where I live....so it makes me wonder how many muslim women I am seeing who simply don't wear a scarf.
I want to give it a chance before I say no. And he is really reasonable. So insha'Allah it can be worked out.